Year Unknown

[alonso ramoran]

Year Unknown


Fading light please take my breath away
Can it be like falling asleep
I can't remember waking
All I have are words like empty vases
Unexplainable is the mauve of tender flesh
Nothing explains the last reaches of day discoloring and bruising clouds
Sometimes its cries are buried in the clouds
An infant suddenly without guidance like I was godless
My god revealed herself in the emptiness of reappearing vases
Sometimes they had hydrangeas or dust
But maybe it is the beliefs of shadows that obstruct the letting go
Maybe the weight is the strain that is mine
Maybe it is only matter in the shape of a prison
The halls connect in all the same directions
The halls are always cast cold gray
Someone tell me where to go
Please
Tell me where to go

[matsunosuperfan]

Year Unknown


Fading light please take my breath away
Can it be like falling asleep
I can't remember waking
All I have are words like empty vases  The first three lines didn't grab me, but the fourth is compelling


Unexplainable is the mauve of tender flesh  OK now we are goddamn talking!

Nothing explains the last reaches of day discoloring and bruising clouds
Sometimes its cries are buried in the clouds
An infant suddenly without guidance like I was godless
My god revealed herself in the emptiness of reappearing vases
Sometimes they had hydrangeas or dust I love this run, great associative figuration and good sound

But maybe it is the beliefs of shadows that obstruct the letting go This is a cool rumination but the syntax is a bit tortured, made it difficult for me to grok smoothly first time 

Maybe the weight is the strain that is mine Same here, can't decide if the slightly awkward grammar is more provocative or distracting 

Maybe it is only matter in the shape of a prison Fascinating poetic impulse that perhaps deserves more real estate in the poem 

The halls connect in all the same directions
The halls are always cast cold gray
Someone tell me where to go
Please
Tell me where to go I think the ending still needs to evolve, it feels a bit like bailing out to more vague, general metaphysical gesturing. 

Very strong draft IMO, a lot to enjoy here and it makes me want to read again. Keep pushing the voice can be stronger and stranger I think.

My impulse is to interweave more of the lines and take advantage of more enjambment, this will extend the line and encourage more depth of figuration, though the "string of pearls" formal approach is doing good things here already