Men and Women

[matsunosuperfan]

Men and Women

Men and women differ. We desire
differently: one wishes for the moon
to take them back, the other aims and fires
at the unexplained, mistakes a loon’s
elastic crooning in the dark for sirens
chasing death across a dotted line
and barrels naked, dazed and dripping, shining
through the sheets into a field of columbine
and dreams. Men I don’t pretend to know—
their mouths that always somehow taste of honeycomb
and razor burn, the alcoholic’s sting—
women understand a bird. I think
I’d like to be one for a life or two
and drink the night alone, alone, alone.

[wasellajam]

Hi, mat, contrary to the clear title I find myself in a constant state of gender confusion. Some notes:

Men and Women

Men and women differ. We desire I don't think we need this opener, even if you change the title at some point. Differences are rightfully assumed. Men desire... women crave... for clarity's sake instead of one and the other.
differently: one wishes for the moon
to take them back, the other aims and fires
at the unexplained, mistakes a loon’s
elastic crooning in the dark for sirens
chasing death across a dotted line
and barrels naked, dazed and dripping, shining
through the sheets into a field of columbine
and dreams. Has this sentence finally ended? All this for the other when the one got 8 words. I'm okay through "chasing death", the loon lines are lovely, but after that I'm alll wah-wah, even when I try.
Men I don’t pretend to know—
their mouths that always somehow taste of honeycomb
and razor burn, the alcoholic’s sting—
This vivid description is effective but thrown off by the N's claim not to know.
women understand a bird. Huh? I need more explanation. I think
I’d like to be one for a life or two
and drink the night alone, alone, alone.
Which one? One "alone" would be fine for me.

So, I hope you can use this to figure out where my inability to absorb this poem comes from. There are some beautiful bits worth working on. Good luck with it.

[busker]

Men and Women

Men and women differ. We desire
differently: one wishes for the moon
to take them back, the other aims and fires
at the unexplained, mistakes a loon’s
elastic crooning in the dark for sirens
chasing death across a dotted line
and barrels naked, dazed and dripping, shining
through the sheets into a field of columbine
and dreams. Men I don’t pretend to know—
their mouths that always somehow taste of honeycomb
and razor burn, the alcoholic’s sting—
women understand a bird. I think
I’d like to be one for a life or two
and drink the night alone, alone, alone.

The ending comes out of nowhere and knocks you over. It’s breathtaking.

It needs the three alones. That’s the song.

The section above these lines is nice, but not outstanding

Why? I’ll provide some more feedback time permitting but really, the last bit is the poem

[matsunosuperfan]

Men and Women

Men and women differ. We desire
differently: one wishes for the moon
to take them back, the other aims and fires
at the unexplained, mistakes a loon’s
elastic crooning in the dark for sirens
chasing death across a dotted line
and barrels naked, dazed and dripping, shining
through the sheets into a field of columbine
and dreams. Men I don’t pretend to know—
their mouths that always somehow taste of honeycomb
and razor burn, the alcoholic’s sting—
women understand a bird. I think
I’d like to be one for a life or two
and drink the night alone, alone, alone.

The ending comes out of nowhere and knocks you over. It’s breathtaking.

It needs the three alones. That’s the song.

The section above these lines is nice, but not outstanding

Why? I’ll provide some more feedback time permitting but really, the last bit is the poem

Thank you both! The top half of this one is indeed pretty muddled, I think. Didn't really start cooking until the end. What to do about it? Time will tell, or at least, a girl can dream...