Same Slop

[Bunx]

Same Slop

Hands land gently on her knees
a soldier squats down.
Her eyes gleem, tears shine
in the cameras reflection.

Background illustrates bystanders
as a movement of colors celebrating
the return of a friend.

Time slows down depicting 
a perfect moment
at a unknown airport. 

Then you see it,
sliding glass doors part.
Fur sheen glosses
in the cameras reflection.

A golden retriever runs
as fast as tile allows.
Sliding into the soldier
then jumping into a hug.

It's then you realized you've seen this before.
Same soldier different dog, AI slop strikes again.

You'd think Claude would know I prefer cats.

[matsunosuperfan]

Same Slop

Hands land gently on her knees
a solider squats down.
Her eyes gleem, tears shine
in the cameras reflection.

Background illustrates bystanders
as a movement of colors celebrating
the return of a friend.

Time slows down depicting 
a perfect moment
at a unknown airport. 

Then you see it,
sliding glass doors part.
Fur sheen glosses
in the cameras reflection.

A golden retriever runs
as fast as tile allows.
Sliding into the soiler
then jumping into a hug.

It's then you realized you've seen this before.
Same solider different dog, AI slop strikes again.

You'd think Claude would know I prefer cats.

Hey bunx, a very topical subject with a creative angle of attack. I like how the poem is ostensibly about AI slop but intersects with a passing comment on the simultaneous reification and commodification of soldiers' (I think that's the word your device hates to type?) lives.

Biggest points to address:

1) still writing as if someone has a gun to your head saying "MORE DECLARATIVE VERBS." again, "X verbs Y" over and over is droning. highly recommend you avoid this and vary your syntax so we can pay attention to the ideas and not be distracted by craft.

2) the tactic of describing a bunch of cliches gets the point across, but also robs the poem of real emotional heat. Speaker acts surprised that it turns out to be slop, but why? it all sounds fake and empty from the jump.

3) poem is fundamentally pedantic and telegraphs its own conclusion so directly that the arc is unsatisfying

people in background as "a movement of colors" was a highlight m.oment of language for me

[Bunx]

Hey msf-
I was playing with the idea of having the narrator POV being active duty or a veteran. Which might lend itself to a better tone shift at the end. Thanks for pointing out my terrible spelling error.

I do feel like the tone is flat, the intent was to create like a tone of predicability. You've obviously seen this type of reel before. Then have the shift being at the end creating a barrier between two tones. I also feel like the arc could be alot better and more emotional / personal. The goal of the poem is how AI monopolizes emotional content in a formulaic presentation / ideally adding a little humor at the end.

As far declarative language, where my train my thought is coming from is being taught
-use less words -condense ideas

Writing has been difficult to me lately so I'm trying my best to sketch out these ideas bare minimum as a jumping point to work on. Trying to stay creative and get the thought out before its gone. Maybe next time I write I'll make syntax variation an emphasis and break more rules. Thanks for the feedback

[matsunosuperfan]

---

Hey msf-
I was playing with the idea of having the narrator POV being active duty or a veteran. Which might lend itself to a better tone shift at the end. Thanks for pointing out my terrible spelling error.

I do feel like the tone is flat, the intent was to create like a tone of predicability. You've obviously seen this type of reel before. Then have the shift being at the end creating a barrier between two tones. I also feel like the arc could be alot better and more emotional / personal. The goal of the poem is how AI monopolizes emotional content in a formulaic presentation / ideally adding a little humor at the end.

As far declarative language, where my train my thought is coming from is being taught
-use less words -condense ideas

Writing has been difficult to me lately so I'm trying my best to sketch out these ideas bare minimum as a jumping point to work on. Trying to stay creative and get the thought out before its gone. Maybe next time I write I'll make syntax variation an emphasis and break more rules. Thanks for the feedback

even just rearranging/cutting in places could lend some more immediacy to some of these images, which are indeed already nicely compressed

e.g.

A soldier squats, her eyes gleam
hands land gently
on her knees.

In the camera's reflection shine
her tears...