On Bias

[matsunosuperfan]

On Bias

Whenever I see something good, I save it
for my ex. She likes the same things I do,
which is how we used to make it work, but
at a higher volume, which is how I knew
we wouldn't. I send her native people, or
whatever you should call them now,
discovering The Skateboard. I send her
braids of moths and children who know not
to touch them. I send her latke recipes and
mystic surfer music. I send her lovely
cockroaches, sometimes a naughty dog.
These are by far her favorite, with their
blatant clickbait titles: Husky Steals Ice Cream
from Sister, Tiny Pug Gets Mad. In this one,
Mom and Dad present the blind boy
with a puppy and he goes to hold it
in his arms and ends up clutching air.
Mom clearly wants to help, but thinks
it's maybe not her place; Dad just kind of stares 
at something moving on the lawn. Eventually 
he gets it and it's all extremely sweet: the beagle 
licks his face. He says his name is Cheez-It. 
There's nothing sad about it, nothing desperate 
or relentless. I think it's a nice video. Objectively, 
it's nice.

[dukealien]

On Bias      with the addition of "the" the title evokes a slant

Whenever I see something good, I save it  leaves the matter in question interestingly open (compare "good" with "nice" at the end, though)
for my ex. She likes the same things I do,  many implications, for example, that the N has less use for good things.  But then, a turn
which is how we used to make it work, but
at a higher volume, which is how I knew  "volume" is kind of a double metaphor - meaning "intensity" and, again, reflecting the N's lesser
we wouldn't. I send her native people, or
whatever you should call them now,  "you should" exposes the N's judgement/disapproval of current dogma - doesn't keep up with it
discovering The Skateboard. I send her  like the Coke bottle in "The Gods Must Be Crazy"
braids of moths and children who know not  unknown reference, the kind of thing that shows up on YouTube and you think it might be real
to touch them. I send her latke recipes and
mystic surfer music. I send her lovely
cockroaches, sometimes a naughty dog.
These are by far her favorite, with their
blatant clickbait titles: Husky Steals Ice Cream  "clickbait" is the first actual reveal that these are videos
from Sister, Tiny Pug Gets Mad. In this one,  all that, nicely painted, and then the turn!
Mom and Dad present the blind boy
with a puppy and he goes to hold it
in his arms and ends up clutching air.
Mom clearly wants to help, but thinks
it's maybe not her place; Dad just kind of stares 
at something moving on the lawn. Eventually  the Dad is mysterious, even sinister.  He's trying not to cry, but brush over that
he gets it and it's all extremely sweet: the beagle 
licks his face. He says his name is Cheez-It. 
There's nothing sad about it, nothing desperate 
or relentless. I think it's a nice video. Objectively, 
it's nice.  So nothing sad, desperate, relentless is  the (ex's) criterion for "nice."  (Except for the Dad)

In mild to moderate critique, this is a roller-coaster.  The narrator involves the reader in his personal life; he lets slip that the ex is female, and implies his desire to still please her despite being unable or unwilling to feel as strongly as she does.  The story-within-the-story, the blind boy and the beagle, is a microcosm of his relationship:  objectively sad and desperate because unable to see love (the beagle) but (unlike the N's own case) it finds him anyway.  Dad?  The N watching all this and looking away.  And the blind boy with the puppy?  Maybe his ex who can't see the serious side of things, only happy endings.

It might be possible to improve a few things about this - "braids of moths" stumped AI, too, and "volume" as noted above.  The pacing could stand a little work - the descriptions of dog videos run a little long, but of course they're the setup for Cheez-It.  I have to say I missed the Dad on first reading, but now I can't get him out of my mind.  Is he necessary, or am I over-thinking him?

The title doesn't work -  probably the only thing in the poem that doesn't.  More like "Happy Endings," but more subtle?

So it works well (as I read it), the N thinking he's somewhat cynically critiquing his ex while exposing his own indifference.  Thanks for posting!

[matsunosuperfan]

On Bias      with the addition of "the" the title evokes a slant

Whenever I see something good, I save it  leaves the matter in question interestingly open (compare "good" with "nice" at the end, though)
for my ex. She likes the same things I do,  many implications, for example, that the N has less use for good things.  But then, a turn
which is how we used to make it work, but
at a higher volume, which is how I knew  "volume" is kind of a double metaphor - meaning "intensity" and, again, reflecting the N's lesser
we wouldn't. I send her native people, or
whatever you should call them now,  "you should" exposes the N's judgement/disapproval of current dogma - doesn't keep up with it
discovering The Skateboard. I send her  like the Coke bottle in "The Gods Must Be Crazy"
braids of moths and children who know not  unknown reference, the kind of thing that shows up on YouTube and you think it might be real
to touch them. I send her latke recipes and
mystic surfer music. I send her lovely
cockroaches, sometimes a naughty dog.
These are by far her favorite, with their
blatant clickbait titles: Husky Steals Ice Cream  "clickbait" is the first actual reveal that these are videos
from Sister, Tiny Pug Gets Mad. In this one,  all that, nicely painted, and then the turn!
Mom and Dad present the blind boy
with a puppy and he goes to hold it
in his arms and ends up clutching air.
Mom clearly wants to help, but thinks
it's maybe not her place; Dad just kind of stares 
at something moving on the lawn. Eventually  the Dad is mysterious, even sinister.  He's trying not to cry, but brush over that
he gets it and it's all extremely sweet: the beagle 
licks his face. He says his name is Cheez-It. 
There's nothing sad about it, nothing desperate 
or relentless. I think it's a nice video. Objectively, 
it's nice.  So nothing sad, desperate, relentless is  the (ex's) criterion for "nice."  (Except for the Dad)

In mild to moderate critique, this is a roller-coaster.  The narrator involves the reader in his personal life; he lets slip that the ex is female, and implies his desire to still please her despite being unable or unwilling to feel as strongly as she does.  The story-within-the-story, the blind boy and the beagle, is a microcosm of his relationship:  objectively sad and desperate because unable to see love (the beagle) but (unlike the N's own case) it finds him anyway.  Dad?  The N watching all this and looking away.  And the blind boy with the puppy?  Maybe his ex who can't see the serious side of things, only happy endings.

It might be possible to improve a few things about this - "braids of moths" stumped AI, too, and "volume" as noted above.  The pacing could stand a little work - the descriptions of dog videos run a little long, but of course they're the setup for Cheez-It.  I have to say I missed the Dad on first reading, but now I can't get him out of my mind.  Is he necessary, or am I over-thinking him?

The title doesn't work -  probably the only thing in the poem that doesn't.  More like "Happy Endings," but more subtle?

So it works well (as I read it), the N thinking he's somewhat cynically critiquing his ex while exposing his own indifference.  Thanks for posting!

thanks duke I so appreciate the careful reading and thoughtful notes. agreed about the title, and could probably still make some parts .more streamlined.

like you I am unsure about Dad but you're convincing me he should stay

[lucienne24]

On Bias || like dukealien, i'm not convinced this title works. it does encourage you to enter the poem looking for evidence of the speaker/other characters' skewed perceptions of things, but i don't think the reader really needs that immediate prompting to differentiate the speaker's or their ex's outlook

Whenever I see something good, I save it || ooh also this poem flirts with blank verse/rhyming metrical verse in a way that's almost satisfying? but there are some places especially where i actually wish you committed to that structure more.
for my ex. She likes the same things I do,
which is how we used to make it work, but
at a higher volume, which is how I knew || agree again with duke that "higher volume" has the appropriate level of ambiguity/double meaning. kinda wish we got one more statement about her with a similar level of "directness" towards the end of the poem, after the blind boy x dog video.
we wouldn't. I send her native people, or
whatever you should call them now,
discovering The Skateboard. I send her
braids of moths and children who know not || splitting the line here feels awkward, like for a second you feel like you're getting this out-of-place formality in language (i.e. "i know not how to thank you"). btw i think you provide just about the right number of example videos, but i still wish you dwelt on this image a little longer, since it might also reveal something about what the speaker vs. the ex values in a relationship-- does the speaker have a higher appreciation for distance, for restraint, for not touching? does the speaker just feel like children knowing not to touch something reflects a level of idealism that they just don't buy?  
to touch them. I send her latke recipes and
mystic surfer music. I send her lovely
cockroaches, sometimes a naughty dog. || "lovely cockroaches, sometimes a naughty dog" one of those satisfying phrases that, again, makes me wish we got something that rhymed a few lines down.. but then again this marks a bit of a narrative inflection point 
These are by far her favorite, with their
blatant clickbait titles: Husky Steals Ice Cream
from Sister, Tiny Pug Gets Mad. In this one,
Mom and Dad present the blind boy
with a puppy and he goes to hold it
in his arms and ends up clutching air.
Mom clearly wants to help, but thinks
it's maybe not her place; Dad just kind of stares 
at something moving on the lawn. Eventually || mixed feelings about the parents here, and i agree that the build-up is long in a way that doesn't quite achieve tension. i wonder if you can experiment with the parents taking different actions-- though i think i like the dad's avoidance?-- until you get an overall mood that you feel contributes the most to the speaker-ex narrative... are we meant to believe that the parents are showing subtle emotional signs the ex would overlook (and that the speaker clearly does not) because of the video's "redemptive" ending?
he gets it and it's all extremely sweet: the beagle 
licks his face. He says his name is Cheez-It. 
There's nothing sad about it, nothing desperate 
or relentless. I think it's a nice video. Objectively, || "nothing desperate or relentless" i like this. the speaker in their brand of ambivalence/"realism" thinks their ex might recoil from that sort of "complexity," so their sending videos is a weird gesture meant partially to show them love and meant partially to remind themself of why this partner was not right for them. not entirelyyyy sold on the very last line but i think i'm ok with it
it's nice.

interesting piece! threw a bunch of suggestions out there with the idea of promoting more "hints" or thematic cohesion, but i really do like the overall voice and subtlety as is, and i don't think the length should really be altered much. just wanted some of the video narratives to be more pointed, punchier, maybe. thanks so much for sharing!!