Never There - edit

[dukealien]

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

[matsunosuperfan]

Never There


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

First thought - cut the first 2 lines for immediacy, avoid prologue. The rest of S1 is very evocative and tangible

Ditto the fist line of S2. Interested to see what happens if we forbid the speaker from editorializing

[lucienne24]

Never There


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

hmm... your postscript that this piece was inspired by an AI video definitely recontextualized my reading in a way that (i think) makes the poem more interesting. rather than the 3rd stanza imagery of the irregular dimensions and fading ink representing a peaceful seaside getaway long untouched by "unnecessary" human complexities, they begin to evoke an AI-generated image of an abstract, unattainable place. if this was your intention, i'd want this imagery to come in sooner and be more consistent. i also agree with matsuno's reply that the whole piece could use more immediacy and less "explanation."

[dukealien]

edit;


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

---

Thanks to both critics.  As suggested, I merged in the theme of this being an AI video, or inspired by one.  And the replacement tailpiece is sort of real:  I've tried to find that particular video again and failed.  It was just a come-on.

[busker]

Never There


Immersed in high-res AI video
outside irrelevancies fade
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother.

Only endless dunes unmarked
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding firmness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant from long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

But now no key-string words produce
that soft-addictive, cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
and whispered peace.  It was
a sample.

original version;


What would it take to drain
all complexity from life
leaving only a driftwood cabin
by a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog
and black nights crowded with
cool stars too far away to bother?

No phone, no keyboard, only screen
white sand on which to draw
with a found crab claw
bare feet finding compactness
made up of all those grains
which will obligingly erase
each verse committed to them.

And in the cabin desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans
of objects with dimensions grown
irrelevant with long disuse
right-angles absent, pages merged
with fading ink and brushing fingertips.

Too much, it would take entirely
more absence than my breath
could stand to give up all
these hated complications loved
for regulation, knowing next
name called, address more real
than whispered sand and peace.

Inspired by an AI video

I like the lines in green, esp the cool stars. 
I don't think you need to spell out every detail eg. 'verse committed to them'. It makes the line very wordy, and the reader can anyway infer where what is being committed. That extra clarity is unnecessary and counterproductive, in fact.

[matsunosuperfan]

only a driftwood cabin by 
a sunny sea somewhere–
no storms, a little evening fog, nights
crowded with cool stars 

draw a crab’s spent claw across
the dunes’ unmarked white sand 
underfoot, finding firmness
the waves will soon erase

and inside, desiccated
by salt wind, no book of psalms
or numbers, three-view plans of objects 
with dimensions grown

irrelevant from long disuse
no angle on the page
to merge with fading ink and brush
forgetful fingertips--

but now no key-strung words produce
that cool-seductive place
of surface vision, shores of no return
find me the same.

--

or whatever
yknow like just let the images speak, there are some bangers
great sound all over the place