Wednesday, March 23, 2011

[heslopian]

My day begins at 1:00pm, and even then it languishes
like an old man harangued by nurses
to lay eyes on his grandchildren, take a walk about the grounds,
disturb his routine of staring, TV, poker and a liquid lunch,
with the company of youth. It takes an hour and a half

for me to stand and leave the shore, as the warm yellow grains
of the quilt grip my soles, and the sky beats down like a heat lamp.
A tissue curled, pale foetus, is picked off the floor and flicked to nothing;
I play Unknown Pleasures by Joy Division, then write this sentence.
Never has stagnation seemed so alive.

[billy]

my nit is;

then write this sentence.

of course you did, we can see the fact.

other than that i thought it was pretty good, loved the last two lines apart from the part shown.
maybe an harangued instead of hassled to denote the mans age. i like the 1st verse, the interactions he has (if only mentally, or in reality depending on how you read it)

thanks for the read.

[heslopian]

I wrote that line in order to underline the mundanity this poem is trying to express. I hope people don't think I was being condescending! Thanks for your kind words and feedback Billy. I'll change the "hassled" word in a mo.

[addy]

Personally, I liked the line ... you have to be really bored to be that self referential. Lots of great, refreshing lines in this piece ( the opening line, "tissue curled, pale foetus", "Unknown Pleasures" is wonderfully apt), and I like that you gave it the title of what could be a mundane diary entry. Very nice.

[billy]

yeah it does that i suppose but for me it makes it more of a journal write than a poem.
the title tells us it's an entry, that aside, it's a nit and it's jmo. refreshing that you take your own council

addy, stfu : personally i don't care that you liked it just kidding
great to see you posting

[heslopian]

refreshing that you take your own council

I just don't trust a man who has as many pussies as you do in his house There was a time when I'd either be nasty or sycophantic (as you well know Billy ) but now I think I've found a middle ground.

---

Personally, I liked the line ... you have to be really bored to be that self referential. Lots of great, refreshing lines in this piece ( the opening line, "tissue curled, pale foetus", "Unknown Pleasures" is wonderfully apt), and I like that you gave it the title of what could be a mundane diary entry. Very nice.

Thanks Addy I'm really pleased you mentioned the "Unkown Pleasures" line.