Burning

[ckeo]

The sun, unshadowed
blazing down rays of fire
Burning away
A mourning mist, of lost desire

Sweat beads down ,
like a trickling stream
cooling bones, of long lost dreams

Wind swept wisdom,warmth from afar
deserted thoughts, of long lost war

Sands of serinity, too hot to lay
like burning needles, another day.

-ck-

[billy]

this is just my take ck,

you need to use some solid images.
don't try and wax poetical, just be you.
move away from the broad strokes,
be definitive and try original simile or metaphor
or just be graphic.

ie;
the sun, hot enough
to fry a camel's ball
melted my need
for a quick shag

i know the above is trash but it's just an example.
be free with your images and if possible concise

thanks for the read.

[Aish]

Hi, ck.

'burning needles' is a first class, concrete image. Perhaps you could develop that more, relying less on abstractions such as 'lost desire' and 'lost dreams'. The sun is very typically described as 'blazing'. It's not a bad description, but it has become mundane. Try using descriptions that capture the reader and say things in an unusual, poetic manner.

Thanks for the morsel

[ckeo]

Hi, ck.

'burning needles' is a first class, concrete image. Perhaps you could develop that more, relying less on abstractions such as 'lost desire' and 'lost dreams'. The sun is very typically described as 'blazing'. It's not a bad description, but it has become mundane. Try using descriptions that capture the reader and say things in an unusual, poetic manner.

Thanks for the morsel

Thank you for the feedback, yes I wrote that a long long time ago and have not worked on it. I have been developing some ideas for it and will work on it and the others soon.

[Leanne]

Oh, I like "mourning mist", that's a lovely pun and it works beautifully. I would actually change very little here, but there are words and some entire lines I think you could do away with entirely to strengthen the poem -- I've italicised the bits I think you could take out.

The sun, unshadowed
blazing down rays of fire
Burning away
A mourning mist, of lost desire (you don't need the comma here)
Sweat beads down ,
like a trickling stream
cooling bones, of long lost dreams (you don't need the comma here)

Wind swept wisdom, warmth from afar
deserted thoughts, of long lost war (for meter, perhaps you could consider "barren thoughts")

Sands of serenity, too hot to lay
like burning needles, another day. (I really like the burning needles, but the rhyme here is very uncomfortable and it heads toward cliche -- instead of "another day", you could consider a word that picks up the rhyme from afar/war)

-ck-

I also think that the rhyme is very heavy-handed and the poem would be better served with more subtlety -- as the poem isn't in a structured set of stanzas, more casual rhymes will work fine as long as you keep a good meter. The meter here is forced and tends to shove the rhymes to the forefront, making them stand out awkwardly when they should really just help to drive the poem along.

This is definitely worth working on to draw out those tasty bits

[nothing_good16]

I don't really have any room to comment on anyone else work but, this is a place for growing right?

I think that along with whatever previous advice that was given, perhaps for a poem like this you should lose the rhyme and focus more on the description and diction.

I do like the first line though. "The sun, unshadowed" --It makes me think about the power of the sun and how anything is rarely bright and big enough to make a shadow of it. :-)