"I am tired"

[ckeo]

Sometimes its hard to think
when your on a rivers brink
mind empty, eyes heavy
the sun... settling

Can you feign sleep
as sweltering shadows fleet?
fear mongers, skin prickling,
dark.. darkening

Hot and humid today
will the clouds not stay?
clothes itch, body sweating,
skin... peeling

Do you feel sane
when the days wraught is mundane?
bones ache, fingers trembling,
heart... harkening

[ICSoria]

I believe you should skip the rhyme attempts in this one. They are more of a distraction in their somewhat contorted state--especially in S4L2. Perhaps you should concentrate on improving the lines without that distraction. If serious is what your are going for, gratuitous rhymes can sometimes give poetry a less serious feel.

Sid

[heslopian]

Sometimes its hard to think When used as an abbreviation of "it is" "it's" needs an apostrophe.
when your on a rivers brink "You're" should be written like so when used in this context.
mind empty, eyes heavy Would a comma after "heavy" help the punchy flow here?
the sun... settling I really like this use of ellipsis. It's appropriately haunting. However, as a refrain it wears on me. I don't think the other ellipses are needed.

Can you feign sleep
as sweltering shadows fleet? "Fleet" isn't grammatically correct in this context. How about "flit"?
fear mongers, skin prickling, Nice line. Subtly chilling.
dark.. darkening

Hot and humid today
will the clouds not stay? Good opening couplet. Atmospheric.
clothes itch, body sweating,
skin... peeling

Do you feel sane
when the days wraught is mundane? Not sure this line makes sense. How about simply "when the day is mundane"?
bones ache, fingers trembling,
heart... harkening

Thanks for the read ckeo.