Unsafe Haven

[billy]

I have a very special place
my secret spot of sanity and peace
in times of stress and self redress
in times of weakness too

it guides me in to rest a while

where warm solace
embraces all my breaks
those parts of me, that do not mesh
with normal souls

whose hearts
Are so displayed undressed
on show for all the world
to view, loves and dreams
like shiny silver screens of soul

unlike my own, whose
torment, anguish
fear and constant consternations
can only show, with
shyly lacking confidence

a sorrowed beating heart

alone and safe
within a very special place
alone within my soul

---

one of my first poems.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I think we read people for awhile and it's easy to forget that their work isn't always what it is now. It evolves over time. Hopefully, in even our earliest work we can see the seeds of what it might become. Thanks for sharing one of your first poems. Here's a comment or two for you to think about as you consider revision (I will treat this as if you were coming here as a novice with one of your first poems):

The most interesting part about this piece to me is the title. We are told that the narrator has this special place of sanity and peace and we discover that that place is inside themselves. However the title tells us this is an UNSAFE haven. That's interesting. The narrator knows on some level that withdrawing into themselves may provide peace but is also unhealthy. I like that tension a lot.

What you may want to consider working on in the poem is where you use abstract words like torment, anguish, and fear. Let's just pick one of them as an example: Fear. Think of all different kinds of fear there are (the fear a parent has when a child is in surgery, the fear you have when wake up at night and think someone is in the house, the fear when you glance in the rearview mirror after hearing the loud screech of brakes, the fear of speaking in front of a crowd, etc). All of these are so differnt and yet all are examples of fear. Abstract words are sort of a shorthand way of expressing something. They tell us something rather than show us. The writer knows what they mean but they aren't giving enough information to the reader to direct them properly.

So, in your poem think about what drives the narrator to retreat to that secret place and try to be more specific about those reasons.

I hope some of that helps. This is definitely something you could develop. Thanks for posting your work.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for replying. i do want to learn but feel a bit embarrassed. everyone here seems to be better than me.
i think i understand what you mean about fear and there being lots of kinds of it. are their any other words i used like torment and anguish that i should look at?

thanks again. i'll see if i can do some improvements later.

[ckeo]

I have a very special place
my secret spot of sanity and peace (first lines states a special place, no need to talk about secret spot, comes off to me as repetitive)
in times of stress and self redress
in times of weakness too

it guides me in to rest a while (awhile instead maybe )

where warm solace
embraces all my breaks
those parts of me, that do not mesh
with normal souls

whose hearts
Are so displayed undressed (Again... "So displayed" and on show.. is repetitave)
on show for all the world
to view, loves and dreams
like shiny silver screens of soul

unlike my own, whose
torment, anguish
fear and constant consternations (I like consternations, its a word I don`t hear often... I would rework to do away with torment anguish and fear)
can only show, with
shyly lacking confidence

a sorrowed beating heart

alone and safe
within a very special place
alone within my soul

I like what you are trying to say... I dont think it would take much work to clean it up.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback. i understand a little of what your saying about repetitive. in both instances, and i'll
try to see if i can bring myself to remove them. thanks for the feedback and for taking the time to do it i think it was helpful

[Todd]

thanks for replying. i do want to learn but feel a bit embarrassed. everyone here seems to be better than me.
i think i understand what you mean about fear and there being lots of kinds of it. are their any other words i used like torment and anguish that i should look at?

thanks again. i'll see if i can do some improvements later.

Everyone feels a bit unsure about posting their work and while you think people are better they all had to start somewhere. You're only in competition with yourself to put out the best work you're capable of, like everything else in life there are always people who are better. You'll get there if you stick with it and keep being open to learning and trying new things.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks, i feel a little less anxious about posting my poems here now i've heard that.