The Dark Rode (1st revision)

[ckeo]

(Revised)

Bespoken wheels
turn and churn
ground in its wake

Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides

Day sinks
into a growing dim
cost of eternity
chasing the moon.

*I tried out a few suggestions here, I am sure it is not final but yes I can see how all of your suggestions can enhance a piece.

"A rut he rides" does not feel right.. or is it just me ?

---------------------------------------------------------
(original)

A wheel bespoke
to turn and churn
ground in its wake

The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
over the axles creak
in the rut he rode

The day sank
into a growing dim
the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.

[Todd]

Hi, Good to see your poem!

Here are some comments for you:

The best lines in the poem for me are your final two.

the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon

That sounds so Don Quixote. It fits so well with the knight mentioned earlier. It's the pain of a hopeless quest. I don't think you need the two periods at the end of eternity. In fact you may not need any punctuation at all (you only have it on the last two lines anyway).

Things to think about:

The word bespoke: Is this the word you really want to use? It's usually associated with clothing.

You have some neat sonics (good sounds in the poem) turn and churn, emboldened and emblazoned.

day dim

I think the third strophe is your best one.

I may also suggest that you try paring the poem down and ask what are the most important words for reaching your point. You may choose to put things back but it's instructive to always ask yourself if this word or this line is necessary and how you could condense it without sacrificing tone or meaning.

Oh, and your line break on churn and how it plays off ground on the next line works very well.

So, a nice first post to the forum. If you would like any more detail on anything or have any questions please let me know. I hope some of this will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

There is quite a surreal feeling to this poem, though I do get the feeling that the symbols are quite specific and personal to the poet so in that sense, I feel a little as if I'm being closed out of the meaning rather than invited to find something of my own in it. There are ways to open a poem if you'd like, although that's more of a preference thing than an actual fault. Some people like their poems to have a specific, cryptic meaning to be puzzled out

"bespoke" in this context seems out of place -- it's as if the wheel is placing an order for the chance to "turn and churn", which is odd to me. I do like the use of the spoke pun and I'd definitely suggest keeping it in some form -- perhaps something like:

a wheel, outspoken,
turns and churns
ground in its wake

Present tense is immediate (obviously) and helps the reader picture the action/images as they occur, even if they're past (which they will be ). It doesn't work for all poems but I feel this one would benefit, which would mean a couple of other small alterations (rides instead of rode, sinks instead of sank).

I also really like using emboldened and emblazoned, as you pick up some excellent sound repetitions, but I think perhaps they're a little close together to get the full effect. You might like to try:

Emboldened knight
emblazoned with blood

I very much like "into a growing dim", and the last two lines are also really good. It's a very interesting little poem.

[ckeo]

I was trying to sleep last night and an image flashed in my mind and this is what I saw.
The words were not planned... they flowed on their own and I jotted them down as they came,
i've gotten into the habit of keeping a notepad and pencil with me at all times and as a result I am compiling a collection of useful stuff.

The word "Bespoke" was coincidental... I had to look up the meaning after I wrote it.
From Wikipedia:
"Bristol Cars in England is one of the rare remaining truly bespoke car manufactures, as its cars are only made on order, not made on an assembly line, and in making some cars the body parts are still made on an English Wheel (noting however, that its Chrysler engine & transmission are not bespoke)."

I felt the word fit as the wheel being custom made for its purpose, however I could be wrong.... I will search for alternatives and see how it plays out.

Thank you all for your comments I appreciate the effort of your guidance and hope I can improve and write some wonderful things in the future for others to enjoy.

[addy]

I really like the motif of cycles that you used here... the consistent motif strengthened the poem for me. The first strophe represents it with a physical wheel, while the third strophe does it with time... day sinking to night growing, eternity, and the moon (associated with phases). The second carries less of this, although you could make an argument that "rut" is like being stuck in a loop (the axle line counts too, but I think it only reiterates an image already established in the first stanza). I think you can strengthen the motif in the second stanza (your choice: maybe how the blood is smeared both on the knight and under the wheel?) but really that is just a minor suggestion.

PS: I agree with Leanne, "spoke" is a good pun; just needs to be rewritten somehow so its less jarring

[billy]

A wheel bespoke
to turn and churn
ground in its wake

The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
over the axles creak
in the rut he rode

The day sank
into a growing dim
the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.

sadly i read the other comments and know i'm contaminated.
the bespoke thing seems to be the main topic. i feel that it would work better if put before wheel, as it is jars the syntax.

a bespoke wheel

would be like a bespoke suit or pair of shoes. tyre we want.
i do like the last verse specially 'into a growing dim' a great image. i get the impression (because of knight) of a modern day horse being the car.
keep in mind the grammar i think it's axle is possessive as in axle's
thanks for the read.

[abu nuwas]

Like Billy, I am also contaminated, although that is quite usual.

There is that about this which brings out an atmosphere, a mood, and that, for me, was its forte.

I did not understand the need for grammatical stretching, or the title. On the other hand, I can vouchsafe that notwithstanding Wikipedia (and sadly Bristol Cars has this year gone into administration), and others, in my days as a man with a quill, I used to rejoice in every opportunity I had, for doing a bit of bespeaking--yes! In particular, let us say one needed an official copy of a court order, or other evidence, then-- one had to bespeak the copy. It was a high point in my day!

I would have preferred
'emboldened knight
emblazoned blood',

and had you had that, I should rather have envied you --as is, I may pinch it later on!

[billy]

for me the way you tightened it up works really well
the rut thing does add something so unless you come up with something else i'd leave it, perhaps one of the others may have a suggestion to help.

i did not that in the first verse you go from plural (wheels) to singular (its) would it works better as (their wake) it's also worth going over any missed grammar.

thanks for the read.

[Todd]

Hi,

There are things that feel better about the revision and things that I'm not sure work better (which is the nature of nearly every revision ).

S1:

The entire bespoke thing still feels a bit odd to my ear but it could just be me.

I like what you did with S2:

Emboldened knight
emblazoned blood
as axles creak
A rut he rides (on this line maybe "in ruts he rides")

S3: I really prefered

the cost of eternity
for chasing the moon

I think that for is crucial to the meaning. I could be wrong about that and while I do love to go as minimalist as possible sometimes I think the earlier version of those lines was stronger.

Revisions though are mostly about how you process the advice and begin working the poem so keep at it, it all eventually clicks.

Best,

Todd

[Leanne]

"Bespoken wheels" is much better

For meter, you could try "in the rut he rides".

I'm afraid I'm with Todd on the ending though, I really liked the original and feel that was much stronger.

[abu nuwas]

(Revised)



Emboldened knight My latest version Abu Nuwas
emblazoned blood
axles creak
in ruts he rides

Bespoken wheels
turn and churn
ground in his wake

Down day sinks
in growing dim
cost of eternity
chasing the moon.

---------------------------------------------------------
(original)

A wheel bespoke
to turn and churn
ground in its wake

The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood
over the axles creak
in the rut he rode

The day sank
into a growing dim
the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.

I have amended the new, improved version (i.e. the top bit-- I hope this does not give the impression of being the writer's changes. If so, I shall delete. Mine is, I confess, more like a simple narrative.

[Wildcard]

Let me start by saying that this is my first post and that I am not even CLAIMING to be an authority. I love to write, but my knowledge of meter is non-existent. I will, therefore limit my comments to the wording.

The Dark Rode

The title jumped out at me. I couldn't wait to make my way down the list to read your poem. This piece feels so mysterious; the poem feels like its shrouded in fog. We are getting only a small piece of the story and yet, the reader is free to summon any number of backstories for this lone traveller.

The knight emboldened
emblazoned with blood

I cringed at the use of 'emboldened' and 'emblazoned' back to back. I read a lot of high fantasy and it's possible that I am just burned out on these words. Mostly I just thought they were too similar and that is sounds contrived. (Like maybe you are trying to force the Medieval sounding language.)

over the axles creak
in the rut he rode

You have a way with words, for sure. A suggestion, maybe you could say, 'the rut he rides.' It goes without saying that he is 'in' the rut because there is a wagon involved and NOT being in the rut is no option at all.

the cost of eternity..
for chasing the moon.

The last bit is my favorite. I love the language and the way you make this quest appear so noble despite the feeling that there is no triumph coming in the end. (or maybe I'm reading too much into it)
If there was a 'like' button, I'd click that sucker.

[billy]

this is the learning forum for poetry and feedback.

by the look of it i think your objective critique is really good and suitable to post in any of the forums of course we can all improve but i think you did a good job here

objective feedback is the most common (i think) it the one i'm more at ease with. well done.

[Wildcard]

Thanks Billy. Just to be clear, is your first sentence intended to imply I'm in the wrong forum? Or is it a setup for the compliment?

Either way, I love this forum!

[billy]

neither and both hehe i never realised it could be taken that way but it does work as such
it's basically a compliment saying i think you capable of giving feedback in general on the site,
sometimes it's easy to forget which forum we're in. in the feedback you gave you picked up on an item you felt needed work and pointed out. you also pointed out what you thought was good and why. you did a good job here.

[Wildcard]

Oh, okay. Thanks, Billy. I'm really glad I stumbled onto this forum . . .

[grannyjill]

Hi, folks

I'm not attempting to put my two-pennyworth in here, I simply wish to say what a fascinating thread this has been. There's certainly more to poetry appreciation than I am used to (may I end a sentence with a preposition?)

Sorry for whittering.

bye, grannyjill