Devoured

[Aish]

Soft breezes carry
pheromones on sweet jasmine -
Praying mantis dies.

[billy]

words such as elegance and sighs, in their context, make it more a senryu, (which i like)
sighs could be changed to dies which would make the last line a solid image of the moment.
not sure how to change elegance for the haiku, maybe just leave it as a good senryu.

[Aish]

I honestly don't know what a Senryu is?

[billy]

a senryu is a lot like a haiku. the form, the seasonal word, etc.
but different in that it can use metaphor and double meanings
and things connected with traits of man.

in essence, a haiku is a snapshot or image of nature

for instance, praying mantis don't sigh, and wind doesn't veil elegance in an image of nature. they are more human foible than image

though they could .
here's a snippet from wiki;

Senryū tend to be about human foibles while haiku tend to be about nature, and senryū are often cynical or darkly humorous while haiku are more serious. Unlike haiku, senryū do not include a kireji (cutting word), and do not generally include a kigo, or season word.

while there is some nature in the piece it's interspersed with idea instead of image.
it makes a good senryu (if thats what you aimed for but as you don't know about them it makes a half decent haiku

Soft breeze whispers veiled
elegance and pheromones:
Praying mantis dies.

soft breezes carry
sweet jasmine and pheromones -
Praying mantis dies

i this instant, the middle line is the cutting line (change of direction) once you get to where you're at you can as SJ states; play with it
sweet jasmine of the smell of it represents the seasonal part of a haiku i think the mantis mating also covers it seasonally.

soft breezes carry
pheromones on sweet jasmine -
Praying mantis dies

you end up with an image that's tight, excess in haiku is considered a waste of breath...and words.

something you'd already achieved so you can go senryu which is less rigid and doesn't need the image, season or cutting point, or the haiku which do. hope it helps a little Aish.

oh, in one respect. they are the same, neither have to follow the myth of 5, 7, 5 syl count. thats number is really arbitrary and just a guide for those new to the form. basho often did really short haiku

[Aish]

Thank you for all the information.

In my mind, the first two lines were the mating ritual.
I guess I need to be more visceral

---

I updated it.

[billy]

the thing is (don't take my word for it, (i'm an idiot hehe) )
there are loads of different ideas on haiku and senryu. i'm just going off which sounds the most sensible for me.
the seasonal word, cutting line and image in nature are solid info for the haiku and almost mandatory, the 575 is just a guide
senryu only needs the shortness, around the 575 like haiku it's usually ironic or double meaning and carries the foibles we all have as a race.

[LaGitana]

Reading all of what you have explained here, the critique of Aish's amazing senryu (?) just blows me away.... Writing haiku and senryu used to be something that I found relaxing and I loved and now it's daunting and fraught with rules and guidelines... *sigh*

Aish, all I can say is that this was an amazingly beautiful piece. Even moreso for me as I breed praying mantis'.... and can appreciate their beauty as well.

[Aish]

Thank you very much for the kind words, LaGitana. I find mantids quite enigmatic, and I have seen a few rather large beautiful ones. It never occurred to me to attempt to breed them.
I have another piece where I use mantid imagery, I will post it to day in serious critique.