Reflecting on Lost Love

[grannyjill]

Revision 2:

Reflecting on Lost Love

There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line
Underscoring those last words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost
I could taste forever in that final kiss

I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those last words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal



Original:

Reflecting on Lost Love

I realised that we had run out of time
Your eyes were dead in your head
Your mouth was like a line
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
You avoided my eye
You gripped my hand in yours
There was an eternity in that pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was moist, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I never imagined that it would come to this

I never imagined that it would come to this
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I was lost
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was moist, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
There was an eternity in that pause
You gripped my hand in yours
You avoided my eye
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
Your mouth was like a line
Your eyes were dead in your head
I realised that we had run out of time

[Leanne]

Oh, a palindrome, how wonderful! Firstly, congratulations on getting this to work so well, I've seen them look very trite and silly and of course yours is neither. The line that stands out as awkward to me is "I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss" -- that's a rather large mouthful and because of that, the rhyme in those two lines is completely lost. The line after that is a bit long also, and heading toward a song-lyric-type cliche (like "it started with a kiss, I never thought it would come to this" by good old Hot Chocolate ). I'm not completely sure what to suggest -- I though perhaps you could take them out entirely, but "I was lost" is not strong enough to pivot the poem on. I will have coffee and contemplate

[grannyjill]

Hi, Leanne,

As soon as I posted this I wanted to take it back as I could see bits weren't right - but then I decided to leave it in your care. If rhymes came to me I used them but if they didn't, so be it. I look forward to your input.

Bye, grannyjill
- grandkids have all gone home, and sanity reigns.

[Leanne]

How about:

I didn't taste forever in that final kiss

and just leave off the next line completely?

PS. You must realise by now that sanity and poetry are mutually exclusive

[grannyjill]

I love that line may I claim it as my own? I agree the following line is rather Hot Chocolate (I guess that's where my brain got it from!).....so that must go. I'm not keen on the 'moist' line it doesn't fit with the 'frost' line, so I'll do some work on that, too.

Thanks a bunch for your help.

[Leanne]

It's yours, since your own line inspired it -- that's how it works in a workshop

[Wildcard]

I think this is wonderful. No critique, but I will say that It took me reading it twice to see what was really happening. I've never read a palindrome before, but I like yours. I wonder if it would be possible to write one piece that, if read backward would mean something entirely different?

[grannyjill]

Hi, AA

I wonder if Leanne could set us a challenge to do just that? As I was writing/reading my effort that thought came to me too. I bet it would be very difficult. The changes would probably be minor shifts in emphasis rather than complete opposites, but it would be an interesting thing to attempt.


bye grannyjill
ps I didn't know that what I had written had a name!

[billy]

Reflecting on Lost Love

I realised that we had run out of time
Your eyes were dead in your head
Your mouth was like a line
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
You avoided my eye
You gripped my hand in yours
There was an eternity in that pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was moist, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I never imagined that it would come to this

I never imagined that it would come to this
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I was lost
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was moist, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
There was an eternity in that pause
You gripped my hand in yours
You avoided my eye
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
Your mouth was like a line
Your eyes were dead in your head
I realised that we had run out of time

well done you

just one suggestion; remove any words that don't do anything but extend the line.
'that' on the 1st line
'in your head' on the 2nd

and so on.
the title is perfect for the type of poem you've written
thanks for the read

[Todd]

Hi Jill,

I really love what you've done here. I've never attempted something like this, but can see the degree of difficulty. I think you pull it off nicely. I would echo Billy's suggestion on paring out words that you can. I would also challenge you to ask yourself which lines are fully necessary there may be some that are much stronger than others and if you can you should consider populating your poem with only your strongest lines. Here are a few minor line comments for you (again I really do love this):

Reflecting on Lost Love

I realised that we had run out of time
Your eyes were dead in your head--think strongly about when you use being verbs like were. It's not that you can't but you might be able to substitute something stronger in their place
Your mouth was like a line--you were direct in the last line you could probably stay that way and cut the "like"
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
You avoided my eye
You gripped my hand in yours
There was an eternity in that pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears--these last three lines really work well in both directions
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was moist, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost--love this line and the one before it
I was lost
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I never imagined that it would come to this

I never imagined that it would come to this
I was unable to comprehend the forever of our last kiss
I was lost
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was moist, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
There was an eternity in that pause
You gripped my hand in yours
You avoided my eye
Underscoring the seriousness of it all
Your mouth was like a line
Your eyes were dead in your head
I realised that we had run out of time

If you decide to revise and repost maybe move this up to mild. I think this could be tightened up to be something very special.

Best,

Todd

[grannyjill]

Billy
Two comments in regard to your suggestions - my English teacher would be horrified if I left out 'that'....but, I will try to defy her and do so.

I am a victim of rhymitis....dead and head offered themselves to me, so I took 'em....but, I will remove 'head'

thank your for your input.

---

Hi Todd,

This is so exciting for me!

This poem jumped into my arms and I clutched it without looking too closely at what I had. I will take it away and thrash it within an inch of its life (cliches are allowed outside of poems, I hope) and bring it back, chastened, but improved. I hope.

Thank you grannyjill

---

Hi, folks

Is this any better? I've used suggestions but also, as you can see, struck out on my own...which is as it should be.

Reflecting on Lost Love

When the day came
There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line
Underscoring those final words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost in a dark place
I could taste forever in that final kiss

I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost in a dark place
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those final words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal
When the day came

[Leanne]

Jill, I've copied the revision to the original post so that it's easier to compare the two.

I think this is much tighter now, with more concrete imagery -- though I'm not keen on "I was lost in a dark place", as "a dark place" is quite amorphous.

Also, you use the word "final" twice (or four times, I suppose )

It's a really good first edit though.

[Aish]

Revision 1:

Reflecting on Lost Love

When the day came
There was no right of appeal
Your eyes stayed dead
Your mouth was a line Is 'was' needed?
Underscoring those final words
You gripped my hand in yours
Eternity yawned in the pause I really like this line.
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
To suppress the falling tears
A memory that haunted me for years
The air was still, I remember
There was a hint of autumn's frost
I was lost in a dark place Is 'in a dark place' necessary?
I could taste forever in that final kiss

I could taste forever in that final kiss
I was lost in a dark place
There was a hint of autumn's frost
The air was still, I remember
A memory that haunted me for years
To suppress the falling tears
I pressed my face to the half-opened window
Eternity yawned in the pause
You gripped my hand in yours
Underscoring those final words
Your mouth was a line
Your eyes stayed dead
There was no right of appeal The poem ends here for me.
When the day came

Very melancholic, yet beautiful. I was thinking of my grandparents as I was reading through this. My grandfather died with my grandmother holding his hand, and his last words were to her.
My reply...is gone?

[grannyjill]

Hi, Leanne - I prefered my original 'I was lost' but I did search around trying to create something stronger. The image which presented itself to me was of some-one lost in the woods (so the line became 'I was lost in a wood' which allowed me a rhyme with 'could')....but, I decided to make it simply 'place' because when some-one is mentally lost it is in a shapeless, shifting place.
The 'final' blooper I noticed and I had decided to change it....see, I am learning!
Thank your for your time.
bye, grannyjill
ps - am I supposed to leave the 1st revision untouched, and then post the 2nd revision?
pps - I almost forgot. I didn't use your beautiful 'kiss' line exactly as you wrote it because, on reflection (no pun intended) it didn't say quite what I wanted to say.
Hi, Aish
I wrote my response to you and then lost it as my computer 'configured updates' -
I think what I said was that I agreed with you about 'dark place' and gladly jettisoned it. I was going to argue about removing the last line, since that meant removing the first line, too....but, blow me, when I did remove both, it worked! Thank you for that.
I am keeping 'was' because, although it does seem unnecessary, I do think it is needed in the 'reflected' verse.
Thank you for your help.
bye, grannyjill

[billy]

just put the 2nd revision above the 1st
the edit is good, for me it reads a lot better
and looks tighter

[abu nuwas]

I continue to wonder about 'ownership' of a poem which has been altered, following the suggestions of others. However, reading the present version, irrespective of how it came to be born, I was very impressed, with the touching content, catching me at a rather peculiar time, and clever scheme. E

[grannyjill]

Thanks everyone for their help. This is now returning to my archives. Abu, I share your concerns re: ownership. I think if some-one suggests that I tighten up a poem by removing superfluous words, or that I perhaps re-arrange lines....it is still my poem when I do so. I am not so sure when whole lines are rewritten, though. And, as I grow in confidence I feel I can refuse offers of such things and still maintain ownership....but, squirrel the advice away for future writes.

Thanks for boosting my confidence!

[billy]

it's the only way to do it jill