Opportunist

[Ca ne fait rien]

Eyes hooded crow
perches nonchalant
on fencepost
knows his shotgun
from his staff
oh yes.


Woman in repose
on bench
watches lizard
bask
eyes half closed.

Shadow brushes grass
rustling quills cross-hatch
lizard erased
from picture.

Woman licks lips
contemplates
changed dynamic
.

[Leanne]

Eyes hooded crow -- the way you've put all three words together on the same line, without punctuation, makes "eyes hooded" seem a special variety of crow, rather than a description of its actions -- I like it
perches nonchalant
on fencepost
knows his shotgun
from his staff
oh yes. -- nicely phallic


Woman in repose
on bench -- I know this echoes "on fencepost" but as it's not a substantial contrast, I wonder if it's required information
watches lizard
bask
eyes half closed. -- the woman is passive here... interesting

Shadow brushes grass -- the shadow of the crow?
rustling quills cross-hatch
lizard erased
from picture. -- wonderful imagery, very vivid

Woman licks lips -- a lizardish thing to do... one wonders if her basking will soon be interrupted by a predator in similar fashion
contemplates
changed dynamic
.

This is really intriguing, with a very attractive immediacy to the writing. Nicely done.

[abu nuwas]

Good evening, tada and welcome!

You got stuck in pretty quick!

Now, there is a super-critic here, so I am going to say something before he does. Something supercilious. Woman watches lizard. Crow spots lizard. Lizard gets it. The quills are both the feathers of the bird, and also the pen, which might delete the lizard by that crossing business in drawing or sketching. Now I can leave to someone less shallow than me, to see it differently, and with layers and all.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks Leanne and Abu for the read and comments.
Leanne- yea- was unsure about the bench line. Will think about it and maybe adjust a bit in due course. I would like to see what people make of this. I liked your interpretation

[abu nuwas]

Did you intentionally go 6,5,4,3?

[Ca ne fait rien]

Did you intentionally go 6,5,4,3?

Can't actually say as I dd.

[heslopian]

I'm in two minds about this poem. On the one hand it conveys some very strong images which are both subtle and affecting. On the other I feel said images could be conveyed much better. There are times when this becomes not so much a poem but a jumble of words. But there's a solid centre which I think can be revealed with some serious trimming. For instance:

Eyes hooded crow
perches nonchalant
on fencepost
knows his shotgun
from his staff
oh yes.

Crow with hooded eyes
perches nonchalantly on fence.
He knows his shotgun from his staff.
Oh yes.

Woman in repose
on bench
watches lizard
bask
eyes half closed.

Woman in repose on bench
watches lizard bask,
its eyes half closed.

Shadow brushes grass
rustling quills cross-hatch
lizard erased
from picture.

Shadow brushes grass.
Quills rustle.
Lizard erased from picture.

Woman licks lips
contemplates
changed dynamic

Woman licks lips.
Contemplates changed dynamic.
.

These are all just suggestions of course. Thanks for the read Ca ne fait rien.

---

please keep constructive feedback to a minimum in the novice fora please/mod

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thank you very much for the read and suggestions. Heslopian.

[grannyjill]

On first reading I felt that this poem had already met with the critique-crew in the pigpen and been pared down to the bone. This made it read like a telegraph message (saving money by eliminating superfluous words) or a series of haiku/senryu....however, subsequent readings lessened that effect.

I like this. It paints little vignettes (is that the right word?) each one very vivid. Dare I argue with H? I like that 'hooded eyes' may belong either to the lizard or the woman. And that several readings bring out different meanings - shadow causes rustling...quills cross-hatch....or lizard is cross-hatched. It leaves us with something to do.
bye, grannyjill

[Ca ne fait rien]

On first reading I felt that this poem had already met with the critique-crew in the pigpen and been pared down to the bone. This made it read like a telegraph message (saving money by eliminating superfluous words) or a series of haiku/senryu....however, subsequent readings lessened that effect.

I like this. It paints little vignettes (is that the right word?) each one very vivid. Dare I argue with H? I like that 'hooded eyes' may belong either to the lizard or the woman. And that several readings bring out different meanings - shadow causes rustling...quills cross-hatch....or lizard is cross-hatched. It leaves us with something to do.
bye, grannyjill

Thanks Grannyjill, It started out as minimalistic as possible to leave only what I thought was necessary. Thank you so much for understandng much of what I am aiming for here.

[Todd]

Hello,

I've seen you around the site some, but haven't commented on anything of yours yet. Welcome!

It feels like what you're trying to do here on some level is connect the person to the creature. I think you deliberately use the lack of punctuation in some parts to make the (unseen) farmer like the crow and the woman like the lizard. At least that was my take away. My favorite part of the poem is S3 all four of the lines are great. I'm not sure if I'm fully sold on the dropping of articles such as not having an "a" before fencepost. It gives it a nice stripped down feel but it also points to itself too directly that one is reading a poem. That said, it's only a minor style concern. I do like what you're doing here. I think your imagery and use of language is original and held my interest.

I look forward to reading more of you.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

Eyes hooded crow
perches nonchalant
on fencepost
knows his shotgun
from his staff
oh yes.


Woman in repose
on bench
watches lizard
bask
eyes half closed.

Shadow brushes grass
rustling quills cross-hatch
lizard erased
from picture.

Woman licks lips
contemplates
changed dynamic
.

(if you want to change type size colour etc, highlight text and use the drop-down in the message box )
to the poem.

god, i can't l;ie...i read the comments and now i'm screwed. i want to agree with everyone

my own words shall prevail though. i love the minimalism. that said i think it went just a tad too far.
the snapshots work well in moving us through an image rich poem.

loved the hoody and the unusually extra 'oh yes'
the woman's defence mechanism against unwanted men are good.
as is her feeling of being the centre of attention.
(jmo)
enjoyed the read, thanks.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Many thanks Billy- I don't seem to be able to make the font changes stick for some reason- I had tried to use courier, as if written in a typewriter.
I will not lie to you- the extreme minimalism was an attempt to push it as far as I could for an exercise. I get the same feeling as when I lower the mower blades too much and almost scalp the lawn, part satisfaction, part wondering if the bald patches will grow back.

@Todd
Yes- thanks for the insightful comment, without explaining exactly what I am trying to do and thus not get proper feedback on what it is as it is, it is along those sort of lines. Thanks for the welcome and I also look forward to reading and offering feedback as well as getting more of the excellent quality of crits I see on the site.

[billy]

Many thanks Billy- I don't seem to be able to make the font changes stick for some reason- I had tried to use courier, as if written in a typewriter.
I will not lie to you- the extreme minimalism was an attempt to push it as far as I could for an exercise. I get the same feeling as when I lower the mower blades too much and almost scalp the lawn, part satisfaction, part wondering if the bald patches will grow back.

just do a quote on the poem and you should see how it's done. i seriously love the finer points of do as little as possible in order to generate the greatest effect. you were probably an 'a' and 'the' away from achieving it hehe. it def good enough for mild and even serious crit. hope you keep posting

[billy]

Please keep constructive feedback to a minimum in the novice fora please/mod