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Magnetic
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10-02-2011, 01:22 PM
Chanteuse,
teasing fresh skin lounging with breasts pressed into mine... an early Sunday kiss tender, slow... becoming one. Magnetic mouths, wanting.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
10-04-2011, 04:46 PM
the "becoming one" feels very cliche but the rest of it rocks,
10-04-2011, 05:37 PM
You paint a captivating picture as always. Love the slow melt the stanza break creates.
If you go by billy's suggestion to drop the "becoming one" line (which you may decide not to), I don't know.... maybe one way to go about it is to drop "kiss" to the third stanza so it read "tender, slow.... // kiss.// Magnetic mouths..." yeah cheesy I know  but just a thought
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
10-04-2011, 10:43 PM
 Aww! You wrote a poem about 'us'!!!  A great poem, Aish. I like 'becoming one.' In a way, isn't every cliche a cliche because it fills a certain need. Becoming one can be rephrased a million ways, but 'joining together' or 'melting together' just sound lame in comparison to the feeling of being inside of another human, both literally and figuratively. This is all, of course JM(biased)O  Thanks for sharing.
10-06-2011, 01:31 AM
Thank you, Billy and Addy - I'll work on it and see what I can come up with.
Mark - you're a girl?! Chanteuse = a female singer, especially one who sings in nightclubs and cabarets. "breasts pressed into mine" - lesbian encounter, love. True story. But thank you, that is so sweet
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
10-08-2011, 11:59 PM
Here, for Mark, is a real chanteuse; and the poem almost fits the song!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBTIuFuS0LE&feature=BFa&list=PL1593F4A0DF2C97EE&lf=results_video m almost fits the song! |
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