Peace

[grannyjill]

Sound ceased. (amended from Cessation of sound)
Movement stilled.
The air filled
with exhaled sighs
and unbelieving,
incomprehensible
cries
from the living.
The dead make no replies.
Avoiding the eyes
of each corpse
the ground patiently waits.
Earth to earth
and dust to dust.
Humanity survives
but only just.


This poem is about 10 years old...and one of the first I ever wrote which didn't stick to an exact rhyme and metre. I read Leanne's Rondeau and the subject brought back memories of this (which made me search it out)

[Leanne]

"The ground patiently waits" is wonderful -- you build mood very well here, using almost all the senses.

Though I really like the alliteration in "cessation of sound", I actually think "cessation" might be too awkward a word to open the poem with -- you might think about:

sound ceased
movement stilled

And perhaps "mankind" instead of "humanity" in the second-last line.

This is good freeverse, grannyjill, with your keen ear for rhythms still quite obvious in the sound of the piece.

[grannyjill]

I agree re: 'cessation'
I think back then I was trying to be too clever, and chose a word which wasn't naturally in my vocabulary...and it did irk me. A simple word is much more effective...I accept your suggestion.

I will argue to keep 'Humanity' as it has the double meaning of 'mankind' and 'compassion'.- Something as bestial as the First World War came close to destroying 'compassion' it didn't almost destroy 'mankind'.

Thank you for your kind words about the remainder of the poem.

[Leanne]

Fair point on humanity v mankind. Mankind is harder to wipe out than cockroaches

[Philatone]

hey there! just want to give my thoughts. please take what you will.

Sound ceased.
Movement stilled. ..I wanted more from this line. I understand its desire to be general, but I did want to know what kind of movement. Something like "clouds stilled", that matches the natural imagery you have in the rest of the poem
The air filled
with exhaled sighs..OK!
and unbelieving, ..not sure if you need this line. "unbelieving cries?" I am skeptical
incomprehensible
cries
from the living.
The dead make no replies.
Avoiding the eyes
of each corpse
the ground patiently waits. ...great!
Earth to earth
and dust to dust.
Humanity survives
but only just. ..I played with switching the couplets, i.e. "humanity survives/ but only just. earth to earth/ and dust to dust". doing this would link the corpses from several lines prior to humanity in a much shorter span of time. i think it also puts more emphasis on the twist with the saying. just my thoughts of course!




This poem is about 10 years old...and one of the first I ever wrote which didn't stick to an exact rhyme and metre. I read Leanne's Rondeau and the subject brought back memories of this (which made me search it out)

hope this finds you well!

[grannyjill]

I have an image of a moment on the battlefield where all human activity is still...I see a panoramic view of dead and wounded lying motionless... as if they are holding their breath.
This stillness and silence is then broken by the incoherent cries of the soldiers who cannot believe they have actually survived the horror of it all.

The air fills.....perhaps conveys this shift in the scene.

In regard to your suggestion of rearrangement of lines, I think you are on to a winner there.
I tried it and it works really well.

What if I put -

Humanity survives
but only just.
Earth to earth
ashes to ashes
dust to dust...... (to drive home the funeral service element of this)

or is that too much?

[abu nuwas]

It is of course apt for now. It is curiously colourless, hinting rather at those frightening cappricichos or drawings, by Goya -- which alone justify a visit to the Prado in Madrid, to say nothing of Hieronymus Bosch's master-piece there, which in its truly surreal way also depicts the evils men bring on themselves. No suggestions. It is a fine piece.

[grannyjill]

Thank you for your positive comments, abu. Somehow I think I may have had an image from a painting in my mind when I wrote this. The poem is 14 years old so I cannot recall what painting it was or by whom.