A Soldier's Sacrifice

[grannyjill]

A Soldier's Sacrifice (Revised 13/11/11)

Know this. Death did not steal my victory.
In my dying I did not fail nor yield,
Though my courage threatened to desert me
With the awareness that my fate was sealed.
But I'd vowed to defend what's right and fair
My inheritance? Honesty and truth
To be a child raised under England's care
Nurtured with love in babyhood and youth.

I did not choose death, yet death chose me.
And yes,O yes, I should have loved to live,
To view with joy an earthly paradise.
But, I feel no bitterness; let it be.
I am content.There's nothing to forgive
If you appreciate my sacrifice...
------------------------------------------
A Soldier's Sacrifice

Know this. Death did not steal my victory.
In my dying I did not fail nor yield,
Though my courage threatened to desert me
With the awareness that my fate was sealed.
But I'd vowed to defend what's right and fair
My inheritance? Honesty and truth
To be a child raised under England's care
Nurtured with love in babyhood and youth.

I did not choose death. Only, death chose me.
And yes,O yes, I should have loved to live,
To view with joy an earthly paradise.
But, I feel no bitterness; let it be.
I'm content.There is nothing to forgive
Knowing you acknowledge my sacrifice..

(Inspired by Rupert Brooke's The Soldier...If I should die, think only this of me)
My iambs are a bit iffy in places, 'nurtured' and 'knowing' but is that okay?

[Leanne]

Of course it's ok, Shakespeare deviated from iambs all the time so what's good for the Bard...

One line that stands out as a little awkward for me is the first line of the second stanza. My suggestion would be:

I did not choose death, yet death chose me. (It's 9 syllables, I know, but it gives emphasis to the first I and makes it a trochaic start like the preceding line, yet finishes on a hard stress to allow the iambic second line to flow more naturally).

Also, you might consider "I am content" in S2 L5, and change your contraction to "there's nothing", to shift the stresses a little more to normal speech.

If you're uncomfortable about the meter of the final line, you could perhaps try:

"If you appreciate my sacrifice"

All those tiny little metric nits aside, I very much like the tone of this poem, it's incredibly noble and dignified.

[grannyjill]

Thank you for your imput....I will go away and ponder on your suggestions.

This is a bit of sham poem since the views expressed are those of a soldier in the time of Rupert Brooke, and are not necessarily my views...I now see the last line as ironic...since people don't appreciate the sacrifice made by previous generations.

(As I noticed to-day during the 2 minutes silence in Birmingham City centre and lots of shoppers were ignoring it and chatting and walking around)

[abu nuwas]

Rupert Brooke was almost relishing the war, of doing something, as many of his generation, of intellectuals were, but he is resigned (in the poem) and positive, as he he contemplates becoming part of the universal mind. In a sense, your poem is sadder, because we know what happened in the war, and since. It would not matter, though, if the soldier expected appreciation, which is no longer as widespread as it was, nor, in a way, does it matter. If you remember, and I remember, they are remembered.

It was well writ.

[billy]

after a few reads i think it's great. leanne pointed a few nits out.
i can't add to it. a letter from the grave and it works well in it's sadness.
babyhood threw me though i know it's a word and fits, so it must be me. i did enjoy the poem a lot,
i thought L3, and 4, honestly poignant. never noticed the end rhymes, and the end couplet did it's job well.
no suggestions here, just thanks, for the read.

[grannyjill]

Of course it's ok, Shakespeare deviated from iambs all the time so what's good for the Bard...

One line that stands out as a little awkward for me is the first line of the second stanza. My suggestion would be:

I did not choose death, yet death chose me. (It's 9 syllables, I know, but it gives emphasis to the first I and makes it a trochaic start like the preceding line, yet finishes on a hard stress to allow the iambic second line to flow more naturally).

Also, you might consider "I am content" in S2 L5, and change your contraction to "there's nothing", to shift the stresses a little more to normal speech.

If you're uncomfortable about the meter of the final line, you could perhaps try:

"If you appreciate my sacrifice"

All those tiny little metric nits aside, I very much like the tone of this poem, it's incredibly noble and dignified.

I have used all of your suggestions, thank you. The last line change I wasn't sure about (it loses the irony)- but I decided the writer of this wouldn't be writing ironically - so it is a good change.
Thank you for your help

---

Rupert Brooke was almost relishing the war, of doing something, as many of his generation, of intellectuals were, but he is resigned (in the poem) and positive, as he he contemplates becoming part of the universal mind. In a sense, your poem is sadder, because we know what happened in the war, and since. It would not matter, though, if the soldier expected appreciation, which is no longer as widespread as it was, nor, in a way, does it matter. If you remember, and I remember, they are remembered.

It was well writ.

Thank you, abu.....I love your last sentence - it needs a poem to cling to.

---

after a few reads i think it's great. leanne pointed a few nits out.
i can't add to it. a letter from the grave and it works well in it's sadness.
babyhood threw me though i know it's a word and fits, so it must be me. i did enjoy the poem a lot,
i thought L3, and 4, honestly poignant. never noticed the end rhymes, and the end couplet did it's job well.
no suggestions here, just thanks, for the read.

Thanks for reading. I will put this back into the archives as a keeper.

[some1unimportant]

Hmm, I'm not really used to giving feedback on poems, especially not in English, but I'll give it a try..

I mostly agree with what Leanne said, though I wouldn't use the word 'yet' as Leanne suggested (in the first line of the second stanza). I'd use the the word 'but', so it would be "I did not choose death, but death chose me." or if you want to have 10 syllables you could write "I did not choose death, but death did choose me".

O, and in the first line, wouldn't it be more naturally to write "Know this: Death did not steal my victory" instead of "Know this. Death did not steal my victory."? Just wandering, maybe it's just me..

I've got nothing else to say, other than that I think it's a nice poem. Reminds me of when I went to France to Normandy, where the first landings of the Allies took place..

[grannyjill]

Hmm, I'm not really used to giving feedback on poems, especially not in English, but I'll give it a try..

I mostly agree with what Leanne said, though I wouldn't use the word 'yet' as Leanne suggested (in the first line of the second stanza). I'd use the the word 'but', so it would be "I did not choose death, but death chose me." or if you want to have 10 syllables you could write "I did not choose death, but death did choose me".

O, and in the first line, wouldn't it be more naturally to write "Know this: Death did not steal my victory" instead of "Know this. Death did not steal my victory."? Just wandering, maybe it's just me..

I've got nothing else to say, other than that I think it's a nice poem. Reminds me of when I went to France to Normandy, where the first landings of the Allies took place..

---

Hi, Some

Thank you for your suggestions. I think I am pretty happy with the way the poem is now, although, you have made me think about the first line.

I reckon
Know this; Death did not steal my victory - might be better than 'Know this:...'it just seems more natural and creates a slightly longer pause than a comma without being as abrupt as :