We Were Strangers? (Double Etheree)

[grannyjill]

We
always
caught the train
at the same time
every day. But
Not to-day. Not to-day
Skies were grey I remember
(As was usual, for November)
A fellow commuter said ‘He’s dead.
Suicide.’ This world for him was ended.
Too late now for Earl Grey and sympathy
We had only spoken with our eyes
Exchanged glances, and polite smiles.
I knew nothing of his life
Did he have kids, a wife?
We caught the same train
for years and years.
Unbidden
came real
tears.

[addy]

I love this. I really like the progression of the narrative, and how the form complemented that, making the reader hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware of time as it was measured out. What I didn't much like was L10, "this world for him was ended"; it read a bit like a filler detail since we already know he committed suicide. But that's pretty much it for the quibble. I very much enjoyed this.

[grannyjill]

I love this. I really like the progression of the narrative, and how the form complemented that, making the reader hyper-sensitive and hyper-aware of time as it was measured out. What I didn't much like was L10, "this world for him was ended"; it read a bit like a filler detail since we already know he committed suicide. But that's pretty much it for the quibble. I very much enjoyed this.

It is interesting that you chose to concentrate on that line. It was a re-write after I had finished. The 'suicide' line was previously 'Just like that. This world for him was ended'....but, I realised that as written it didn't make it clear that he died by his own hand. So, I simply changed the first part of the line, without thinking how it went with the latter part....obviously, it showed!
Well spotted. Thank you for your kind words. I like trying new poetic forms, but I'm not sure that they serve any useful purpose for the reader.
As the writer, it does me good since I have a tendency to over explain, and over-write and things like 'etherees' rein me in.

[addy]

Ah, that explains it then. As far as trying out new poetic forms, this one was smartly played and worked wonderfully.

[billy]

I enjoyed it jill, will give everyone real feedback when I get to prper keyboard.

[Leanne]

How about "the trip for him was ended" or some such in L10? All things considered, I think this is a fine use of the form (and I'm pleased to see that, contrary to the "rules", you've managed to sneak in a few light rhymes). I very much like the eloquent simplicity of "too late now for Earl Grey and sympathy", that line alone speaks volumes.

[grannyjill]

How about "the trip for him was ended" or some such in L10? All things considered, I think this is a fine use of the form (and I'm pleased to see that, contrary to the "rules", you've managed to sneak in a few light rhymes). I very much like the eloquent simplicity of "too late now for Earl Grey and sympathy", that line alone speaks volumes.

"Suicide. His journey now was ended" ..........I like your idea very much but 'trip' sounds too....flippant(?). I realise that 'now' is obviously a filler word, but I need it for the rhythm. (Edit, I may need a rethink since I see I've used 'now' in the Earl Grey line too)

....I have a problem with rhyming....it gets into everything I write, despite my best efforts. (see? 'write' 'despite'...damn)

I didn't think much of etherees until I wrote this....I'm going to post another one which worked out quite well.

Thanks for input.

[Touchstone]

I love it. I've little in the way of poetic sensibility but I like the shape, the rhymes and the narrative. I think it's very clever.

How about:

A fellow commuter said ‘He’s dead.
Suicide.’ This world for him was ended.

A fellow commuter said ‘He’s dead.
Suicide.’ His life prematurely ended.



The metre (I think that's the term) is the same and "prematurely" fits nicely with the subsequent line: "Too late now... "

[grannyjill]

Hey, that's a good line....I'm torn now between your suggestion and Leanne's. With Leanne I get the 'train/life' journey angle, and with your idea I get a greater sense of tragedy, since it says 'cut short with still far to go'.....I think, though that (the way I pronounce it) I've gained an extra syllable.

So, as the other words must stay...the only one I can change is 'ended'

Suicide. His life prematurely stilled/closed/done?

Take your pick

[Touchstone]

'tis your poem so 'tis your pick.

[grannyjill]

I think I like 'stilled' - yes, no, yes, no, yes.......mind you 'done' isn't bad (shut up, Jill)