self-entitled

[Wildcard]

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
such a prize in the crowd
of vegetables swaying
in sync with the monotonous breeze

I blow a grin at them
tone tuned to
their laudatory laughter
emitting an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

Original

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

[grannyjill]

What are you on, Mark?....the first verse sounds like a hippy-trip (sorry if that sounds dated....I am dated)

and the second verse hurt my brain 'cos of concentrating on meaning....but, then I decided 'What the hell' - I like the sounds you make and I like the imagery of the first verse, so I'm going with that.

I liked the title too, because it gave me pause for thought, because of double- meaning either 'empowered' or 'named'Edit -


Hi, I've come back for another look...hm, let me see....

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

Tuned to
admiring laughter
for a hero-titled book
of lies

...well, I think I'm getting it now (but a self-proclaimed liar may be pulling the wool over my eyes)

[Wildcard]

You're hard to please, Jill. First you ask for poetry and then you basically say I'm a washed-out junkie . . . :p

I realize this may not be classic stuff, but I also hesitate to explain it because I think all the words are there and the meaning too. Your 'translation' is pretty good, but 'hero-titled' isn't the only definition of eponymous.

[grannyjill]

Hi, Mark
I can't write classic stuff, so I have no right to be critiquing this anyway...I'm a simple soul and having my brain stretched is painful for me. But, I'm the best you've got at the moment (it seems). I look forward to reading what others have to say.

....I shall have to look up 'eponymous' - I thought it meant where the book has the same name as the 'hero' of the story...like Oliver Twist.....damn me my dictionary has let me down, it's only got eponym!

Please post some more...I promise to behave.

.....I never said anything about 'washed out'

[Wildcard]

it's ok, I meant burned out :p

Yeah eponymous can mean that too(hero) or if an artist realeases and album named after them(grannyjill's latest album 'Grannyjill' would be grannyjill's eponymous release.

[addy]

oooh, very clever Mark. I especially love the first verse, since I've read nothing like it before. There's a real, almost innocent feeling of anxiousness? In any case I really like this one

edit: btw, should it be "lauding laughter", rather than laudatory? Just curious.

[Wildcard]

Thanks addy. I will look at laudatory . . . I may have misused it.

[Leanne]

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

This sounds to me like a slightly jaded performer so used to his on-stage persona that he can step outside of it and look in from a different perspective -- cynically summing himself up as a fraud who appeals to the idiot masses only because they don't know who he actually is. Of course, that's just one possibility

PS I think laudatory is fine to use there.

[grannyjill]

Now, I've re-read your first verse with some-one else's brain...and whether Leanne is right or not, it certainly brings the verse to life for me....it's all about conformity and role-playing. Yes?

(I really must try harder)

Skin Deep
I'm a sexagenarian
who tango's in the moonlight
wearing a purple hat.
By day I bake sweet apple pies
whaddya think of that!



...in case anyone jumps on me...
Lynne Truss says it is correct to use the apostrophe with foreign words when pluralising them, in order to prevent mispronunciation

[Wildcard]

This sounds to me like a slightly jaded performer so used to his on-stage persona that he can step outside of it and look in from a different perspective -- cynically summing himself up as a fraud who appeals to the idiot masses only because they don't know who he actually is. Of course, that's just one possibility

PS I think laudatory is fine to use there.

That just about sums it up I don't know how you and Todd do that

Grannyjill: This is one isn't so much a fantasy as a reality that has to be accepted.

[Leanne]

Well, it's less tricky to figure out who it's about when you start off with "I am..."

The masses love the gloss and sparkle -- the novelty of having that shiny forcefield around your "true self" wears off fairly quickly, unless you're one of those folk who desperately need ego stroking every five seconds. Then you're just left with "if only they knew..."

[Wildcard]

Let's just say you didn't know I was a musician. Do you think it would have been basically the same conclusion?

[Leanne]

Resounding yes. Here's why: because it rings true for me also. Escape from the backpatting and sycophancy is the main reason I joined this site (well you didn't think it's because Billy's so good looking did you?) I'd hazard a guess that any artist grows weary of the image the audience reflects back to them and craves the attention of people who don't get wrapped up in all that nonsense. And every artist must, at some point, wonder how his audience would feel if they knew what was really going on in his head.

[Wildcard]

Good. I get feedback that makes me think my poetry is too muddled/complex/cryptic so I was just checking. Almost didn't post this one because of that

[Todd]

Hey Mark,

I'm trying to get back in the swing of things here. I read the poem and the comments to this point. Music came across to me due to the phrase: swaying in sync

Though I would say that the phrase also gave double duty to simply pointing out the crowd mind and could have easily translated into a charismatic speaker (e.g., political, religious, etc) swaying a crowd. The in sync part especially pointed to music. So, no I don't think your work is muddled. I found it pretty clear as this is mild I won't do a line-by-line walk through but again it seemed clear to me.

We have this speaker here being a source of adulation to the crowd (chlorophyll to vegetables--which doesn't say much about either A) the crowd's intelligence, or B) the speaker's view of them.

A few comments below:

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

Mark. I think the first strophe is your strongest. It does the most for you with the least words. I know that we always try to put some structure in our free verse here it's two strophes of four lines. I would encourage you to consider your line lengths your lines seem like they want to be shorter and the poem might be helped by letting that occur.

(I am a liar
a dry lizard
on chlorophyll...etc)

Lost in a crowd strikes me as somewhat cliche you may want to consider a substitute. The first line though, the imagery, and the content seems very strong here.

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

I'm not as thrilled with S2. I would rather see the first two lines tie into the imagery more (something that built on the vegetables I guess). The last two lines work for me. My only other call out and this might just be a style preference on my part is the line break on to. I do recognize that sometimes a preposition break works, in this case it doesn't feel strong enough to me (again maybe just me). I am a fan of the sound of tone tuned though.

Oh well, just a few thoughts. I hope some of them will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Wildcard]

Thanks for your views Todd. I am on my phone at work now but when I make it home I will review your notes further. Jill and Leanne have made me think differently about some things so this one might get a major overhaul. As far as the line lengths I think I see what you're saying. Thanks again.

[Wildcard]

I did an edit. Thanks to everyone for the suggestions.

[grannyjill]

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
such a prize in the crowd
of vegetables swaying
in sync with the monotonous breeze...

I blow a grin at them
tone tuned to
their laudatory laughter
emitting an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

Original

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

I was getting very fond of this little verse I've read it so often...now it's changed I'm going to see if that still is the case...damn...I can't read it, added bits keep getting in my way...truly. I can't say whether the new version is better or not - it probably is, but it's like finding a well-known phrase or saying written differently - it would take a while to get used to.

...I don't think it is possible to 'emit' an eponymous tome, though

[billy]

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
such a prize in the crowd
of vegetables swaying
in sync with the monotonous breeze

I blow a grin at them
tone tuned to
their laudatory laughter
emitting an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

Original

I am a liar
a dry lizard on chlorophyll
lost in a crowd of vegetables
swaying in sync

tone tuned to
laudatory laughter
for an eponymous tome
of pure fiction

everyone has said everything.
so i can sit on my ass and just say i liked it.
i noted you ask if we didn't know you would we know what it was about?
i think the last line of the 1st verse tells us the 'i am' is a performer. the crowd of veg that it's probably a concert of sorts. the 1st line shows you to know what you are. and to some extent accept it. when i say you, i mean the 1st person
i thought it a good small read (working off the edited version)

ps, would swaying veg or vegetables work better. ?

[Wildcard]

One question: Do you think I blew it in the revision? Is it better the original way?