How Memories Fade

[grannyjill]

Yesterdays slip away too fast,
escape my desperate, feeble grasp.
Then the past fades into misty clouds (Edit omit - 'Then')
elusive, transitory, lost in time.
Quick, bright, flashes
butterfly around
settling and fluttering
as they touch my mind.
Too brief.

Turned to dust and ashes
leaving a gulf of emptiness, vast and wide
where stored-up memories
should reside.

[Wildcard]

Why is it that every poem reminds me of a song? Yours reminds me of one called 'All Those Yesterdays', but I think your song captures the localalized nostalgia that you are pining for here.

the past fades into misty clouds
elusive, transitory, lost in time

A great thought expressed well is priceless! I love this line, but actually to me it's better without 'Then'

In the second stanza, L1 is dust and ashes needed? I know they are not synonyms, but they are so similar. I will now proceed to rant on you thread as you have been so kind to do on mine :p
It just hit me while I was saying that you were kind of repeating yourself that I used to love certain types of repetition. Like in the creation story after every day the text reads: 'the evening and the morning were the first day'. On some level, I always thought of course they were because of the redundancy, but eventually it grew on me after a while. So, on second thought I like 'ashes and dust'

Overall I think it's a very inspiring read. Thanks for sharing.

[some1unimportant]

I'm just wondering.. is this poem about nostalgia, or is it about dementia?

In line 5 of the first stanza, there's a comma between "bright" and "flashes". Isn't that comma a little bit out of place there?

At first I thought the second stanza was a bit short and I felt like the poem wasn't really finished yet, but after reading it a few times, I think it's fine as it is.^_^

I don't really have anything else to say, except that I liked the poem, especially the descriptions.^_^

Thank you for the read

[grannyjill]

Why is it that every poem reminds me of a song? Yours reminds me of one called 'All Those Yesterdays', but I think your song captures the localalized nostalgia that you are pining for here.

the past fades into misty clouds
elusive, transitory, lost in time

A great thought expressed well is priceless! I love this line, but actually to me it's better without 'Then'

In the second stanza, L1 is dust and ashes needed? I know they are not synonyms, but they are so similar. I will now proceed to rant on you thread as you have been so kind to do on mine :p
It just hit me while I was saying that you were kind of repeating yourself that I used to love certain types of repetition. Like in the creation story after every day the text reads: 'the evening and the morning were the first day'. On some level, I always thought of course they were because of the redundancy, but eventually it grew on me after a while. So, on second thought I like 'ashes and dust'

Overall I think it's a very inspiring read. Thanks for sharing.

I agree on 'then'....it was in, then it wasn't, then it was...but you are my reading public, so I bow to you.....basically the same with dust and ashes...obviously, I stole it from the funeral service which is why it has a kind of biblical presence....I kinda like it too - so it will remain.


I wonder re: poems reminding you of songs, that is where your background lies so you are bound to notice similarities to that source and that is especially so when you realise how difficult it is to come up with something unique (well, for me it is)

---

I'm just wondering.. is this poem about nostalgia, or is it about dementia?

In line 5 of the first stanza, there's a comma between "bright" and "flashes". Isn't that comma a little bit out of place there?

At first I thought the second stanza was a bit short and I felt like the poem wasn't really finished yet, but after reading it a few times, I think it's fine as it is.^_^

I don't really have anything else to say, except that I liked the poem, especially the descriptions.^_^

Thank you for the read

Thank you for your helpful input.

When you get older, I think memory fading and dementia appear on the same branch. If the reader has no idea of my age, then it is simply 'memory fading' but if they do they think 'dementia'.

Second stanza a bit short...but, that's because I often write free verse poetry which starts off with a bang..and then I lose momentum! And because I re-wrote the last bit and discovered loads of filler words, and repetitions which didn't add to the poem..so they had to go.

As to quick, bright, flashes...the comma wasn't there when I first wrote this, but I put it there on purpose because I wanted a slight pause so the words would go 'quick' 'bright' 'flash' on the page...like the real thing. But, maybe that doesn't happen.

[Leanne]

I really enjoy the image of memories as butterflies (and I love the way you've made "butterfly" into a verb, that's very effective). As for the comma issue in L5, I had the same problem as some1 -- it does make me pause, but I think it's for the wrong reason, ie I notice it being out of place. I'd suggest removing both of the commas on that line as neither one is really necessary. If you wanted to play a little with format, you could also try giving each of those words their own line to make it seem a little like a slide show.

On the whole, I like this one

[grannyjill]

Yep, I liked the butterflies, too....the only bit of the poem I did like, actually! I get really mad at myself because so often, (as here) a finished poem is nothing like what my mind is saying!

The 'comma' thingy - those words aren't important enough to warrant separate billing...so, I will simply omit the commas.

Thanks for your valuable input.

[Philatone]

hello granny! wanted to share some thoughts

Yesterdays slip away too fast,
escape my desperate, feeble grasp.
the past fades into misty clouds ..I think the cadence would flow better with just "to" instead of "into". overall, I like the image, but imagining the past as a bunch of clouds , while fitting, does make me long for something more unexpected
elusive, transitory, lost in time...I think this line could be stronger if it just ended on "lost," removing the "in time". it would focus entirely on the pattern of the adjectives
Quick, bright, flashes
butterfly around ..like how you made butterfly a verb! creative and perfect
settling and fluttering
as they touch my mind.
Too brief...ok, here I think you could show rather than tell, maybe describing how the flashes scurry away as quickly as they came. this line has so much potential

Turned to dust and ashes
leaving a gulf of emptiness, vast and wide...not sure you need "of emptiness"
where stored-up memories ..these last two lines gave me the impression of memories being personified, resting in a retirement home or some attic. I think using "reside" in the next line is great! to play on "reside" and "people," you could switch "stored-up" memories to something that applies more to human nature--maybe even something like "retired memories". just an idea that came to me; I do like this close regardless.
should reside.

not sure if my suggestions came across as clearly as I would have liked, but it was an enjoyable read, granny.

[grannyjill]

I am so happy to read such close analysis....I've not had the advantage of this before.

I am learning how to see with the eyes of others and to concentrate far more, when re-writing, on meaning instead of rhyme (my weakness...I find it very hard to let a rhyme-opportunity pass by unused!)

I don't think this is a particularly worthy piece, but it may become so with a bit more work.

Thanks, folks

[billy]

lets remember guys (phil ) this is the novice forum. (no big line by's)/admin
for me the poem feels a bit weak while i like some of it L1, 2, 5,6,7, and 8, the rest feels too of a oneness.
i'm not sure how to say it. apart from it tells me nothing new. that the lines 1 and 2 haven't told me. it feels a bit generic.
i have no suggestions other than ask could it be made into something sold with a new way of telling us. thanks for the read as always.

[grannyjill]

Thanks, billy - This is a slight bit of nothing, and I suspect it will sink without trace....I will keep the 'butterfly' bit though because I did like that.

[billy]

definitely keep the butterfly bit

[Philatone]

sorry! I meant well, if that helps

[billy]

of course