High Above Me

[Wildcard]

Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me and make me feel worthless- I don't care. I'll just creep back into the shade and let it infuriate me. Panning left and right all day is so boring anyway.

"Who died and made you God?"

Smirk, how 'bout it? Just keep looking pompous and wonderful as I pale into nothing. I'll just hurt myself more until you hurt me less. We are not friends, you know.

Dance on the water! Live like an emblem- a sore-headed sign- and watch me all day while you're grinning eagerly. It doesn't matter to me; you are not my problem.

Sink. Dip yourself in the coolness and forget me for a night. At least give me a chance to dread your return.

There is a hole in me that your light finds and fills. I'd rather put you out than feel that burning.

Original:

Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me and make me feel worthless- I don't care. I'll just creep back into the shade and let it infuriate me all over again. Panning left and right all day is so boring anyway. Who died and made you God?

Smirk, how 'bout it? Just keep looking pompous and wonderful as I pale into nothing. I'll just hurt myself more until you hurt me less. We are not friends, you know.

Dance on the water! Live like an emblem- a sore-headed sign- and watch me all day with your eager grin. It doesn't matter to me. You are not my problem.

Sink. Dip yourself in the coolness and forget me for a night. At least give me a chance to dread your return.

[Leanne]

Ooh, sun as metaphor for the passing of days, and a bitter one at that! Your lines each have a very interesting progression from the lyrical descriptions to the somewhat sulky ends -- except the last one, where cranky poet makes way for desolate poet.

I think you could live without "Who died and made you God?" in the first line, that one seems complete at "anyway". "Live like an emblem" is lovely

[abu nuwas]

Truly original. I thought the sun was a good metaphor for the sun....and I liked 'Who died and made you God?' -- though without it, it would also be good, but slightly different. Because of its originality, to make suggestions would, I think, be a little like the blokes sitting round the first potter, suggesting he maybe throw in an apple or two....

[Wildcard]

Leanne,
Thanks for reading and for the kind words. I'll take a look at the first part again.

Abu nuwas,
Your comments make me so happy. Being insecure about this one, your evaluation(and Leanne's) makes me feel better about this.

To both of you(and anyone else who knows): What is this piece of writing? What category does it fall in? I haven't a clue. It's just what I felt.

---

I thought the sun was a good metaphor for the sun..

I keep re-reading this what do you mean?

[Leanne]

I thought the sun was a good metaphor for the sun..

I keep re-reading this what do you mean?

He means that he thinks I'm being a smart arse... and he's possibly correct

As to category -- well, call it a fusion if you like, but I'm always wary of categorising poems. As you know, it's not line breaks that make a poem, it's something far less tangible. Some would probably call this poetic prose. Some others would call it a poem in structured sentences. Write as the mood strikes you and if it works, leave it be.

[Wildcard]

So it is a poem then? I was wondering if it even counted. Thanks Leanne.

[Erthona]

Ditto LA and Ed.

Really liked "live like an emblem"

It's a poem, it's just lined out like prose.

Re: "Who died and made you God?" A bit cliche.

Maybe something like.

"Did you kill God and crown yourself, or did someone elect you?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young I was so bright my mother called me sun.

However she died and I have become less bright.

Dale

[Wildcard]

Thanks for the comments, Dale. That's two votes to strike 'Who died and made you God?' I don't want to sound defensive but I was trying to be cliche if that makes any difference. Oh well, I guess I'll just remove the line altogether. Thanks again.

[grannyjill]

I'm going to annoy you now. I liked the mateyness of the phrase which fitted perfectly into your harangue at the sun. You spoke to him in the way I often speak to the weather (only I'm a sun lover) 'For god's sake, can't you find someone else to rain on? What have I done to deserve this? Go and annoy someone else for a change. etc. etc. Your average Joe does speak in cliches and you've caught this beautifully.

May I ask about the 'sore-headed' sun sharing the same sentence with 'eager grin'....Are you referring to the emblem of the sun which is usually that of an orange ball with golden spikes radiating out from him as if he's got a bad migraine? or that the sun IS bad-tempered?

A half-formed thought - stylistically - how about using Glimmer. Smirk. Dance. Shine. That creates a link between each outburst that seems (to me) to reinforce the poetry of this piece.

[Wildcard]

I'm going to annoy you now. I liked the mateyness of the phrase which fitted perfectly into your harangue at the sun. You spoke to him in the way I often speak to the weather (only I'm a sun lover) 'For god's sake, can't you find someone else to rain on? What have I done to deserve this? Go and annoy someone else for a change. etc. etc. Your average Joe does speak in cliches and you've caught this beautifully.

This is not at all annoying. In fact, it's a relief as that was what I was trying for. Due to Leanne's comments I'm beginning to think that I need rewrite or add to the poem to indicate that this person is bitching at the sun and doesn't necessarily have the normal poetic vocabulary for it.

May I ask about the 'sore-headed' sun sharing the same sentence with 'eager grin'....Are you referring to the emblem of the sun which is usually that of an orange ball with golden spikes radiating out from him as if he's got a bad migraine? or that the sun IS bad-tempered?

Sore-head is referring to the sun's obstinance- maybe incorrectly used though. And the 'eager' of the 'eager grin' is my way of showing the beauty of the sun just pisses the narrator(?) off.

A half-formed thought - stylistically - how about using Glimmer. Smirk. Dance. Shine. That creates a link between each outburst that seems (to me) to reinforce the poetry of this piece.

Good suggestion, but the last line starting with sink was intended to indicate a cycle. 'Shine' wouldn't serve, I'm afraid.

Thanks for the comments, Jill. I will eventually get back to this one.

[grannyjill]

Damn, Mark - I can't read my own writing - I scribbled the first word of each bit on paper, and then copied it .....of course it isn't 'shine' I didn't intend that you change anything there.

It was the way I read this though, Glimmer......, Smirk.......Dance........Sink........ with a bit of tweaking each of these words could stand alone. Just a passing thought, though - nothing really worth make a change.

I can see the 'eager' grin pissing off the speaker....I was wondering if a bad-tempered sun would also have an eager grin (mind you, the sun, is the sun, is the sun...the only change is when he spits stuff into the atmosphere, but I don't know if your average Joe would actually notice that)

[Wildcard]

I might remove sore-headed altogether. It fits the narrator(someone tell me if this is the right word to use) much better than the sun.

[Erthona]

"I don't want to sound defensive but I was trying to be cliche if that makes any difference."

It doesn't make a difference that it is cliche.

I would say the question isn't if you meant to use a cliche, I would say it is if you can justify using it. Also if it is obvious (they'll love me for that one!) that, that is your intent... Maybe with quote marks, with an added CR at top and bottom. It also has the added benefit of giving more character to the dialogue. I assume you want to use the cliche to demonstrate the lack of depth in the speaker.

Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me!
Make me feel worthless - why don't you - I don't care.
I'll just creep back into the shade
and let it infuriate me all over again.
Panning left and right all day
is so boring anyway. So say,

"Who died and made you God?"

Even better if you had the line ending with again, rhyme with "God" to give it a little punch. Maybe an enjambment like (the rhyme isn't a suggestion, just a place holder)

and let it infuriate me all over
again, like an out of water cod.
Besides, isn't panning left and right all day
kinda boring anyway. So hey! say,

"Who died and made you God?"

Actually the cliche doesn't bother me if it is used artfully as part of the dialogue. Kind of like Rambo talking to Apollo (the god) but if your not going to use it to purpose then it just seems you should be more creative with the line. I mean you set the argument up fairly well, it just seems you could push it a little more.

Anyway, that's what I think at the moment, I might change my mind tomorrow

Dale

[Wildcard]

That makes sense Dale. As I've previously posted, I think the problem is that I didn't make it cohesive and those suggestions(when I have more time to really look at them) might help me make it much better.

Thanks for taking the time help.

[Wildcard]

I like the format of this poem, which some might call it prose. It reads like a short story, which can draw those readers who [ think ] they don't like poetry.
At first read, I thought it was about somebody who has been hurt over and over again by the one whom he loved, and then hurt turned to anger and hate and they wanted so bad to dread that person's return, if only given a chance to.
But on second read, I saw the light!

I once knew a poet who wrote all his poems in this format, and I rather liked them.
And cliches, every once in a while, don't bother me none.

Nicely done!

Thank you so much for the kind words. This is kind of an experiment for me.

---

Okay I did a little editing and added some more Thanks for all the advice folks. If something is still in the poem that you advised against leaving in then be vocal in this new context as I want honest opinions.

And this is Misc. so discussion is cool.

Glimmer, why don't you? Shine all over me and make me feel worthless- I don't care. I'll just creep back into the shade and let it infuriate me. Panning left and right all day is so boring anyway.

"Who died and made you God?"

Smirk, how 'bout it? Just keep looking pompous and wonderful as I pale into nothing. I'll just hurt myself more until you hurt me less. We are not friends, you know.

Dance on the water! Live like an emblem- a sore-headed sign- and watch me all day while you're grinning eagerly. It doesn't matter to me; you are not my problem.

Sink. Dip yourself in the coolness and forget me for a night. At least give me a chance to dread your return.

There is a hole in me that your light finds and fills. I'd rather put you out than feel that burning.