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i stand in the crowd
i hear them so loud
but they don't hear me
i sit in a room
but they left so soon
now where should i be?
i walk with everybody
but they don't see me
so i walk alone
i'm tired and hurt
i'm covered with dirt
i just wanna go home
i don't wanna be alone
which way should i go?
i don't know what to do
i need a little help
i don't wanna be by myself
take me home with you
"i wanna know how it feels to be over you for real..
til i do, ill keep writing POEMS about you"
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01-10-2012, 09:09 PM
(This post was last modified: 01-10-2012, 09:32 PM by billy.)
hi karren,
the last verse is very poignant
the 1st 3 verse more or less say the same thing. in ways that have been used before. if you can try and say it in a way that hasn't been said before. the three line format works. the last 3 verse make different points and thats good, i think the last 2 could pass muster but still. i think you can make the whole poem have more substance with a few well chosen words.
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Joined: Dec 2016
Ditto Billy.
The third and fifth verses breaks the rhyme pattern.
"i hear them so loud" - generally it would not be said this way, making this seem forced.
Maybe something like:
"i stand in a crowd change "the" to "a" this is a general, not a specific crowd
they're talking so loud
they don't hear me"
The third verse seems as though it is trying to echo the first with the parallel between
they don't hear me
they don't see me
If you are going to do that, it probably needs to happen in the 2nd verse, and mimic the same pattern. Like
I walk with the crowd, "the" is OK here as it indicates a generic "crowd", like "the in crowd"
they're looking about
but they don't see me.
I agree with Billy, the last verse is very poignant, easily the best in the poem.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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This is a great start. I would of liked more conflict, maybe interact more with yourself and the background, which would have probably helped the reader to feel the poem and not just read it. I do like this poem because it is relatable, who doesn't feel alone at times. I just didn't feel that spark or connection to it. I liked the second stanza, that felt original to me and made that specific moment of going into a room while everyone else leaves realistic...very spot on. All in all it was a good read.
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Hi Karren, your poem reminds me of a famous French poem (Déjeuner du matin). I like the repetition of "I" in the poem.
