White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
v1.0 Original
White with red line, strip
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty, MEAN surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Poor lamb.
Amber cast
Door slams and stiletto trots and screams, serves distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlighted, a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment; door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face, queuing on Pavement
Shoulders met with bony male shoulders, cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs thrown
Poor lamb.
(end)
I tried some interesting new things here
Not sure what I'm doing with it
Inspired by this song (hip hop) I love it to bits
(very explicit adult lyrics) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwM8HTt852I
looking at the latest version without seeing the inspiration behind it, to see how the piece stands on its merit. i'll try to revisit after seeing the link later
(04-15-2012, 03:08 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: v2.0
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away ...considered dropping "of"; not sure whose face it is, so it didn't feel necessary. right now, I'm envisioning a reflection
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement...wasn't sure of the subject of "collapses." The "red...glasses" really is a great mix of singulars, plurals, and collectives in a sense (glasses being a singular object with two lenses, but also perhaps being multiple pairs of glasses)
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant...I would have stopped after "stiletto-trots", losing also the "ambience" bit of the next line ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to..."door" and gateway felt redundant to me
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here....the second half of the line did little for me
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
the description is here, but I never felt focused on a specific scene or really felt sure of what I was supposed to imagine because the shifts are constant, as with the different nouns and verbs. I'm getting some kind of spectacle/ production, but am probably off-base.
I like the urban atmosphere the poem gives.
I hope some of this is helpful
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
this has a flash or two of something but what, i almost made the 1st line of the last stanza work but it was hard, i wanted to change all the grammar and redo all or most of the enjambment. i'll try a bit of arranging just to explain what i mean;
White with a black line dress
A pretty face queuing,
shuffled shoulders touch.
read it out loud, it feels overburdened with grammar. i didn't have time to view the vid (sorry) but the poem should be able to stand alone anyway, i don't think this does, in its present form.
had a quick chance to listen a bit. poems inspired by songs is interesting, seeing that the forms do have a relation.
the reason for the rapid jumps and interest in a broad smattering of events and details rather than a focused element becomes clearer, but again, I don't feel like it does you many favors for the piece.
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
v1.0 Original
White with red line, strip
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty, MEAN surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Poor lamb.
Amber cast
Door slams and stiletto trots and screams, serves distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlighted, a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment; door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face, queuing on Pavement
Shoulders met with bony male shoulders, cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs thrown
Poor lamb.
(end)
I tried some interesting new things here
Not sure what I'm doing with it
Inspired by this song (hip hop) I love it to bits
(very explicit adult lyrics) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwM8HTt852I
this poem is released into the public domain.
(04-15-2012, 03:08 AM)Chaotic Body Wrote: v2.0
White with red line, strip, stumbles
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Amber cast,
Many door-slams and stiletto-trots and screams, serve distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlit on a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment: door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face queuing on Pavement
Shoulders brush bony male shoulders, two cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs hurled
(end)
v1.0 Original
White with red line, strip
Lipstick, glass, of a face turned away
Gritty, dirty, MEAN surface of the pavement, gravel, you !
Collapses together, red handbag and shoulders and glasses and pavement
Poor lamb.
Amber cast
Door slams and stiletto trots and screams, serves distant ambience
Amber hued door and bonnet, car spotlighted, a stage casting Pavement
Inside lies solace, detachment; door a gateway to
Nasal lens-tinting; a new world of actions done here.
White with black line, dress
A pretty face, queuing on Pavement
Shoulders met with bony male shoulders, cast together in a play
Docile, shuffles along, shoved, laughs thrown
Poor lamb.
(end)
I tried some interesting new things here
Not sure what I'm doing with it
Inspired by this song (hip hop) I love it to bits
(very explicit adult lyrics) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cwM8HTt852I
this poem is released into the public domain.
I was going to leave this alone because I was irritated by its presumption: why on earth would you think that anyone would wish to read it? I realised quite quickly that there were two answers to my dilema and one answer merited a response. Please no not think the comments following are harsh...erthona (and probably his chiropodist) said that all criticism is opinion. Never a truer word.
I believe that you geninely cannot see that this piece is lacking in merit. You have metaphorically used the old horse and cart to transport a rag-tag bundle of second-hand thoughts from one place to another in the hopes that someone will make you a job-lot offer on the way. You must put something NEW up for sale.......and you DO have a supplier somewhere inside that cerebral warehouse of yours.
To absolve myself of anal pomp I can only say that I am humbled by your tenacity and resolve. If there is any point in technical criticism of this work I am afraid it is outside my ability. I listened to the spoiler track which "inspired" this piece. I think you should know that this is not "adult" language but genre-talk for a young audience.....valid in its own front room but only until Tracy calls you round to her house to listen to the next great thing
This child-like desire of yours to shock your reader by threatening to put a dozen dildos on the top of the pile is just an infantile attempt to see how far you can push the parents. Please, try some other genre because you are wasting a refreshingly open attitude to poetry in pursuit of that particular aim.
Oh, my other answer? Well, it is remotely possible that you think that this is good poetry. I am no judge of goodness, only of preference. Others will be able to direct you to that pinnacle of perfection which you perhaps seek.
04-25-2012, 06:01 AM (This post was last modified: 04-25-2012, 10:03 AM by billy.)
just a note:
by all means slate a pice of poetry if you think it deserves it. don't slate the poet. sounds silly i know.
If there is any point in technical criticism of this work I am afraid it is outside my ability. acceptable if a tad harsh, and it does criticise the poem.
why on earth would you think that anyone would wish to read it? you did this is commenting on the poet which isn't criticism of the poem as such. most of us like straight forward when it comes to feedback, i doubt any of us including your good self relish personal feedback about our integrity or intent, (note this isn't in thread police red,) chaotic; for now try posting in mild crit, it will be more beneficial in the long run/admin
I get that you meant this to read as very staccato, where disjointed elements weave into coherent narrative much like the brain would assemble a dream (or, I'm guessing here, like when you're drunk). But since it relies so strongly on those individual elements of imagery to strongly speak for themselves, you can't be lazy with them; unfortunately in a few points the lines do get a bit unimaginative, and thus struggle to capture important emotional beats that the poem should be leading us through. There are points where the imagery feels bereft of any dramatic significance (you're mentioning them, but why? there must be a deeper narrative reason, rather than just a way to pad the poem with pictures), and as a result even though I think I know what's going on, a lot of the time I didn't feel privy enough to what was going on. The individual elements didn't "gel" enough into a theme, and it became a barrier to me as a reader
SO, IN SUM; don't put lines/images for the sake of putting them. Choose your snippets as strategically as a director would choose his "shots" (what to focus on, how long, etc), in the service of weaving what should be hidden drama into something instinctively apparent to the viewer/ reader. Speaking of drama... I think your penultimate line makes for a more striking close imo
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
this is commenting on the poet which isn't criticism of the poem as such. most of us like straight forward when it comes to feedback, i doubt any of us including your good self relish personal feedback about our integrity or intent, (note this isn't in thread police red,)