Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Prick of lips, smearing dye, sticks needles
through my spindled eye; in the darkness
I spin, a splendid gold thing. I spin.
In the day we sit happy. He and I,
opposite cups of tepid tea
under ever after weather,
clinking only as we stir.
How I miss hands and knees rough
from praying to the floors, calluses alive.
The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love.
Our chats are mild
- hopesdreamswishes -
and my voice well hides the sounds of mice;
crawling, clawing, beneath the paradox
of one glass shoe.
The original thread and discussion can be found
here
It could be worse
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
Joined: Dec 2016
Overall I like this, especially the two lines
"The indignity of hate feels less now,
less than the indignity of love."
and of course
"the paradox
of one glass shoe."
However, and it may be my own perversity but "prick" and "lips" should never be paired unless the intent is to convey an allusion to oral sex. Plus, I think these days "prick" is at best problematic in the same vein as is "gay". Both are just to connotativly heavy in terms of the sexual aspect of their meaning.
I'm also somewhat puzzled with the phrase "praying to the floors", maybe you mean "praying at the floor". One may have prayed while scrubbing the floor, but I don't believe they were actually praying to the floor, so for me it creates some amount of disruption in the reading as I have to stop and ponder what that is suppose to mean.
Regardless, this is a nice twist on a couple of standard fairy tales.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 342
Threads: 49
Joined: Sep 2011
Very nice work- a real thought-provoking piece.
Nice work, Addy.
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Thanks guys
Erthona, those are some great observations. (She "prayed to" only in the sense that she polished and gave devout, repeated attention to it, but I see how that might be overblown) Hmmm, I may come back to this yet
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i remember this as one of the 1st of the few poems you did. you should do more please
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
[and my voice well hides the sound of mice]
I rather enjoy your spin on happily ever after, Addy, and your graceful artistry.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 8
Threads: 2
Joined: Sep 2012
good thought provoking peace indeed well writtern
Posts: 845
Threads: 57
Joined: Aug 2013
(08-23-2013, 03:01 AM)ChristopherSea Wrote: Fantastic, it's not easy being queen, is it Cinderella! I still love fairy tales and this has a real dark flavor. The opening chant gave me the creeps, a favorite of Rumplestiltskin no doubt. What a tragedy to actually feel more indignity loving someone, who you are spending the rest of your life with, than you do in hating them! I would never live that lie. Very clever and one of the best poems that I read here. Nice spotlight./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
