Unnatural Disaster

[rorrick]

This is one I worked hard on and I would be honored to have it ripped a part, to better it of course.

Unnatural Disaster

Your blazing fire starts at the base of this barren tree
The clouded heat slowly rises charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores your scorching words turn my cells to ash

Your flames try to reach my heart and burn the glacier within
But the walls of ice are far too thick for your hell to reach

An emotional avalanche starts to erupt my soul
Blasting icy glass through my eyes dropping you from your stance
Instantly chilling every nerve in your baked black heart

You try to rise and defend this new contrasting feeling
But the forming iceberg proves too heavy for your efforts

Fearful and shivering your heated soul starts burning through
Melting faster than the winter clouds an ice storm begins
A silver thaw shooting shards from every direction

Puddles collectively gathering and starting a flood
Waves crashing against all the barren trees you left behind

We each stand tall and strong not phased by the chilling water
The burning amber ball rises quickly over the world
Evaporating your hurtful soul into the unknown

[billy]

we don't rip apart in the novice forum rachel
poetry rape is only allowed in serious crit

beware of big words like heart.
only use you , my our etc when really needed otherwise it ends up like prose.
i was once told not to use so many gerunds and then a war broke out as to what a gerund was, so i think it's wiser to say, don't use so many ing ending words. and finally ( ) if a line needs a comma, period, or any other grammar somewhere in the middle of it, use it. if you don't you make the reader go back to see if they missed something. if they didn't they'll as likely not leave the reading of it alone. if you want grammar free poetry use enjambment for pauses and remove any capped letters (caps are grammar too )
i've said enough considering we're in the novice section. hopefully some others will help out with other aspects if the see them.

thanks for the read.

[rorrick]

we don't rip apart in the novice forum rachel
poetry rape is only allowed in serious crit

beware of big words like heart.
only use you , my our etc when really needed otherwise it ends up like prose.
i was once told not to use so many gerunds and then a war broke out as to what a gerund was, so i think it's wiser to say, don't use so many ing ending words. and finally ( ) if a line needs a comma, period, or any other grammar somewhere in the middle of it, use it. if you don't you make the reader go back to see if they missed something. if they didn't they'll as likely not leave the reading of it alone. if you want grammar free poetry use enjambment for pauses and remove any capped letters (caps are grammar too )
i've said enough considering we're in the novice section. hopefully some others will help out with other aspects if the see them.

thanks for the read.

Haha, funny how I just told someone the same thing about capital's...thanks for catching that...good tips about "you, I, our and ing" words...I will keep that in mind. I am not too sure where I would add punctuation...have an example for this piece?

[addy]

Great to see more of your work Rachel . I do like this one... your imagery is much stronger in this piece i think.

I think the beginning part inadvertently turned into a mixed metaphor--the "other" is portrayed pretty consistently as fire, but the narrator starts is at first established as a tree then suddenly transitions into some kind of embodiment of winter. I guess I just didn't know how or where those two different ideas connected. Not that it's bad, but it did prove distracting when i was trying to picture the scenario.

Billy pointed out the danger of using the word "heart"... personally I didn't mind it because at that point i was still thinking of the narrator as a tree, so the tree's heartwood struck me as a valid and compelling image. What I disliked more was "emotional avalanche" in stanza 3. The way i see it you shouldn't have to describe something as "emotional"... instead you have to try and portray it for us somehow. Just my personal take though

[billy]

we don't rip apart in the novice forum rachel
poetry rape is only allowed in serious crit

beware of big words like heart.
only use you , my our etc when really needed otherwise it ends up like prose.
i was once told not to use so many gerunds and then a war broke out as to what a gerund was, so i think it's wiser to say, don't use so many ing ending words. and finally ( ) if a line needs a comma, period, or any other grammar somewhere in the middle of it, use it. if you don't you make the reader go back to see if they missed something. if they didn't they'll as likely not leave the reading of it alone. if you want grammar free poetry use enjambment for pauses and remove any capped letters (caps are grammar too )
i've said enough considering we're in the novice section. hopefully some others will help out with other aspects if the see them.

thanks for the read.

Haha, funny how I just told someone the same thing about capital's...thanks for catching that...good tips about "you, I, our and ing" words...I will keep that in mind. I am not too sure where I would add punctuation...have an example for this piece?

clouded heat slowly rises, chars my broken limbs
Seeps through my pores, your scorching words turn cells to ash


The clouded heat slowly rises, charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores, your scorching words turn my cells to ash

while it can probably do without a comma the use of 1 can give effect to how the poem is read.

just remember people who give feedback are seldom guru's that must be followed most often it's just their opinion as to what works and what doesn't.

[Philatone]

hello rorrick!

I think my biggest suggestions for this piece can be summarized like this:

many of the verbs used strike me as being a bit weak. rather than saying things like "start" and "try", why not describe what actually happens? these words steal energy and agency from actions, and in a charged piece like this, I don't think it serves your goal.

my second suggestion is that, while the piece has a number of great images (the contrast of the "avalanche" and "burning" is wonderful), the poem essentially struck me as ongoing description with little action occuring. it almost reads to me like a report. perhaps the progression feels too narrow and linear to me (first this happens, then this, then this).

again certainly there were elements I enjoyed. these were the things that struck me the most. thanks for the read; hope this helps

[Erthona]

I prefer to pillage! Of course raping is not bad either, but afterwards you are bootyless! A Viking we shall go!
(What she wanted was a real man...he was just so, robotic!)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I will limit my comments to the first stanza since this is in mild! (oh screw, it's not even mild it's novice...oh well! I cut out half the comments I made, read what is left if you will. I make no claim to mildness, or sense at this point)

"Your blazing fire starts at the base of this barren tree
The clouded heat slowly rises charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores your scorching words turn my cells to ash"

The problem with this image/metaphor is that it is not consistent (goes from wood to biology:pores), and ultimately fails to say anything more than: you said mean words that hurt my feelings. I thought at first your were going to go somewhere with "barren" branches, but why introduce this concept if all you are going to do is, do away with it. You can do that without the whole tree thing.

Your words hurt me because they reveled my barrenness;
my words of creativity were only empty mouthings.

Personally, I think that the confusion later on is probably attributable to a lack of focus about what you are trying to say at the outset, and instead getting caught up in the flowery poetry speech.

I do think you worked hard on it (creating the images), and this is not to say you didn't, but I think there is a disconnect between the descriptions and what you are describing, causing it to come off as Romance novel as poetry, all fluff and no substance.

Dale

[rorrick]

Okay, this is all really great advice. I am going to take all of it in, and any more that comes my way, and rework this piece. Thanks a bunch for all your time.

[billy]

more than welcome, it's always a pleasure to see poets editing

[Leanne]

Unnatural Disaster

Your blazing fire starts at the base of this barren tree
The clouded heat slowly rises charring my broken limbs
Seeping through my pores your scorching words turn my cells to ash

Your flames try to reach my heart and burn the glacier within
But the walls of ice are far too thick for your hell to reach

An emotional avalanche starts to erupt my soul
Blasting icy glass through my eyes dropping you from your stance
Instantly chilling every nerve in your baked black heart

You try to rise and defend this new contrasting feeling
But the forming iceberg proves too heavy for your efforts

Fearful and shivering your heated soul starts burning through
Melting faster than the winter clouds an ice storm begins
A silver thaw shooting shards from every direction

Puddles collectively gathering and starting a flood
Waves crashing against all the barren trees you left behind

We each stand tall and strong not phased by the chilling water
The burning amber ball rises quickly over the world
Evaporating your hurtful soul into the unknown

Don't listen to billy, he's an anti-capitalist -- I'm usually reluctant to remove all caps but if you've no punctuation, then uniformity does make for a cleaner look. Personally I tend to just keep the capital at the beginning of each stanza -- there's no real reason besides personal preference though.

I note someone, probably billy again, mentioned getting rid of "you" and "me" in a few places -- reading this, I'd tend to go one step further and make it an allegorical piece without those personal pronouns at all. For example:

The blazing fire catches the base of this barren tree,
clouded heat rises slowly, charring broken limbs,
seeping through pores to turn cells to ash

Dammit, I've gone and put punctuation in again. Anyway, the allegory thing runs up against a bit of a problem when we get to the ice component and that's where the poem turns toward cliche -- fire and ice has been done to death, and there's no room for a tree. Me, I like the tree. I think it's a better metaphor than ice, as the tree is patient and regenerates, but I might just be in a sappy mood

I'm not suggesting you throw any of this away, by the way, just coming up with some alternative directions, feel free to ignore. Thanks for the read, and thanks for having such a great attitude toward workshopping!

[billy]

it were me

until we have the skills to drag it out, i think a poem reads better the tighter it is.
it can be a daunting path for us newbs to tread (writing poetry )