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As rains pour down with thund'rous might
And red dust dances - settling light
Earth's veins close in and sigh relief
Tho' sowers' joy will turn to grief
Mourning loss, old purse strings tight
Crops won't endure this darkened night,
Nor can they answer this man's plight,
A sacrifice of seed and sheaf,
As rains pour down.
The children splash with pure delight,
While homes are hid 'neath water's height
And all eyes stare in disbelief
Where lands devoured by nature's thief,
And wait to see what fate they fight
As rains pour down.
Michelle Mangos 2012
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A rondeau, if I'm not mistaken, just lacking some stanza breaks -- so great to see that those meter lessons worked (star pupil, by the way folks!).
Excellent change of mood between the first stanza and the last. Inspired by the Toowoomba floods? You change tenses from the first two lines (past tense) to the rest of the poem (present). Most of the poem is in present tense so it's probably best to go with that, although that creates a meter problem for L2 which it's too early in the morning for me to think about  You're also missing a few apostrophes: Earth's vein, sowers' joy, man's plight, nature's blight, nature's thief.
Lovely to see a form done well, thanks for posting!
It could be worse
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Could be lacking a line in the 1 st stanza also! Only spotted...may help when I look at tenses, so just a quick fix...I hate apostrophes...before the s, after the s, leave it out except for these circumstances still you went easy, lulling me into a false sense of security eh. Yep, spot on, Toowoomba floods it is. 5.30am is too early for anything!
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Hello Paddygirl. I like the last verse, the 5th line in particular, though 2nd and 4th ain't bad.
You could maybe say - The children splash - Where land's devoured
Perhaps A sacrifice to nature's blight?
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
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07-16-2012, 07:40 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-16-2012, 07:41 AM by billy.)
Hi michelle
thanks for your 1st poem
i sometimes struggle with the tho and 'words in poems tho here they fit the mood, i do think you have one too many tho's tho (leannes our meter teacher too, so i can say with surety the end rhymes are working well in their scheming and that the meter looks good the title works well with the poem which does show some of the attributes of friend or foe which can be found in heavy rains.
the red dust places the area, or tries to but it feels that little bit generic. ( i know they have red dust on mars  ) maybe a place name in there, but that really is a small nit. all in all a really good solid 1st poem.
thanks for the read
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All good suggestions Penguin, will take them on board. Easier to see some neccessary changes when they are pointed out. Form bogs me down as I am not used to it! (and as you can gather from Leannes comments, i am not to good with rules either!) Thanks for the feedback!
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A most enjoyable read Paddygirl, especially enjoyed the first line of the last stanza! Kids making the most of catastrophe and in their innocent cheerfulness bring new hope and wry smiles to the faces of the adults, well done, cheers.
Oh what a wicket web we weave!
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S2 L3 should also be your b rhyme... but shhh... looks much better formatted and with those few changes.
You can do it however you like, but generally we try to post the edited version above the original so that people can see the changes that have been made... you don't have to, but if you would find it useful there's a tutorial on Poetry Revisions that shows you how.
It could be worse
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Thank you popeye and Billy, one of the tho's is now removed though in future I will leave the original to show the changes, have seen this in the forums but did not cop to the fact that it is deliberate! The red dust dances, is an image I really like so I might just have to leave that but i do appreciate the feedback.
Leanne, when I spotted L5 missing from the first stanza I double checked the form and saw S2 L3 and am currently looking at changing it...I reckon it could be the harder one to change.
Will check out that tutorial, was mostly reading through poems and just finding my way around. This place is definitely a lot more honest in a very productive way!
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07-16-2012, 08:50 AM
(This post was last modified: 07-16-2012, 08:51 AM by Leanne.)
We do our best I hardly have to bludgeon anyone anymore...
Can you work "sheaf" in to your rhyme? Something nice and agricultural.
A sacrifice of seed and sheaf maybe?
It could be worse
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(07-16-2012, 08:43 AM)Paddygirl Wrote: Thank you popeye and Billy, one of the tho's is now removed though in future I will leave the original to show the changes, have seen this in the forums but did not cop to the fact that it is deliberate! The red dust dances, is an image I really like so I might just have to leave that but i do appreciate the feedback.
Leanne, when I spotted L5 missing from the first stanza I double checked the form and saw S2 L3 and am currently looking at changing it...I reckon it could be the harder one to change.
Will check out that tutorial, was mostly reading through poems and just finding my way around. This place is definitely a lot more honest in a very productive way!
i like a woma--- poet who knows what they want for an odd word or piece of grammar being changed it's no biggy. but if it's an odd line then it helps us see the difference. thanks for understanding. i'll probably get detention off leanne for not spotting any missing lines 
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Looks pretty solid to me... it reads like a dream. The last stanza has some of my favorite lines ("lands devoured by nature's thief"). Thanks for the read
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Leanne, that is bloody brilliant, not that I would expect less, I have been wracking my brain trying to amend that line....it comes so easily to you...damn it
Addy, thank you for your lovely compliments, it has had a few tweaks but next time I will leave the original for comparison, made that mistake without realising.
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Don't you believe it -- it's like making coffee, it always seems better when someone else does it.
It could be worse
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well heres the deal...I will make you coffee while you fix my poems
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