First Post

[Leanne]

Hello and welcome!

I have terrible trouble critiquing short form (I'm far too verbose ) but I do like reading them. I generally consider poems like this successful if they start some thought process and allow my mind to travel in an unfamiliar direction. The first definitely sets up a situation and lets the imagination take hold -- at first I wasn't sure about "and", but I tried reading it without and it lost something of the rhythm, so it seems to belong there.

I do love the idea of a streetlight stepping over the moon, beautiful! (And any chocolate will do if the need is dire enough)

"the light that is me" is borderline cliche, or pop-song lyric at the very least, but "scattered among shadow" is a lovely image.

I'm sorry I can't be of any actual help with these, but I did enjoy them, thank you!

[billy]

hi pg, try and do one per post, it makes sure we don't give generic feedback as though we're replying to a job lot

Here are a few of my unrelated short form poems. As you can see they do not adhere to a specific style. I look forward to feedback. Thanks. ...An
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rituals
rivers
And rainstorms
The feel of cool water
Over my skin would make a great senryu. the '...an' lot me a little. it creates strong images in the readers eye.

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innerwork the sound of dreams
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cheap chocolate
a streetlight
steps over the moon i really enjoyed this one. it has a feeling of just being...the street light over the moon, another good image.

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the only parts
she will let you see
cherry blossoms has a sexual connotation to it or a sexual tension. it's quite sexy, not sure if that were the intent

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falling star
the light that is me
scattered among shadow a senryu of sorts i like the image in the last line, and the 2nd works well in showing some kind of lack of self worth or shyness, i think something could be done to improve the first line,


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i really do like short form poetry like these. specially when they cradle an image. of course it can be a bugger making them perfect but that should be the aim. i think the 2nd is there, that the 1st needs something doing with the title. the 3rd is a decent 3 liner more senryu than haiku. and the last is almost a great senryu. thanks for the read and the first post.

[billy]

Here are a few of my unrelated short form poems. As you can see they do not adhere to a specific style. I look forward to feedback. Thanks. ...An----the an confused me.

i'm so used t seeing three liners, i mistook ritual for a title sorry

i said "it can be a bugger making them perfect

what is mono stitch?

of course you can post more than one in a post, sorry if it seemed i was laying a rule out. it's just easier to reply to one than many great start
this place has been crying out for a short form poet

[billy]

Here are a few of my unrelated short form poems. As you can see they do not adhere to a specific style. I look forward to feedback. Thanks. ...An----the an confused me.

i'm so used t seeing three liners, i mistook ritual for a title sorry

i said "it can be a bugger making them perfect

what is mono stitch?

of course you can post more than one in a post, sorry if it seemed i was laying a rule out. it's just easier to reply to one than many great start
this place has been crying out for a short form poet

I can see how the 'An' confused you. But 'bugger'...lol!!! You must be from another country! Around here there are only bugs, or bigger bugs. it does make sense to post just one at a time but I warn you I have about 8 million. ;-)
A mono stitch is a one line poem. There are some amazingly good ones out there these days. Here is one website you can look at to read about. I'm far from an expert but see how effective they are when they are done well. There are some great poets on twitter who do monostitch and I'm going to look further for another link to show you. they are deceptively simple.
http://rogueembryo.com/2011/12/31/the-mo...rue-found/

bugger is big in the uk
and 8 million you say ><><>< thanks for the info on monostitch.

can you try and leave a little bit feedback as well oh, and don't forget to leave an url to your own site or home page, in your signature, if you need any help give one of us a shout.

[billy]

yes of course we can, please make the check out toooo.... <------ my first monostitch

[addy]

Here are a few of my unrelated short form poems. As you can see they do not adhere to a specific style. I look forward to feedback. Thanks. ...An
----------------------
rituals
rivers
And rainstorms
The feel of cool water
Over my skin The "rituals" part really adds a great dimension to it. The feeling of coolness becomes something other than purely physical, concrete sensation. "over my skin" is not a very strong standalone line imo, but in-context you make it work

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innerwork the sound of dreams should these be two separate lines?
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cheap chocolate
a streetlight
steps over the moon This is my favorite ; It's a little coy about what the whole scenario could be, but it makes it all the more fun to imagine. Combined, the images really are lovely

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the only parts
she will let you see
cherry blossoms There's something wistful about this. Understated, but I like it

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falling star
the light that is me
scattered among shadow Basically agree with the previous comments... there's something a tad cliche about the setup, but you wrap it up well.


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