A Senryu on zen

[billy]

A cliff sheds its skin
across the mountain road
oblivious to traffic

[Todd]

I haven't spent a great deal of time with this form so I don't feel comfortable critiquing it yet. I do like the lines though and loved the idea of a cliff shedding it's skin and I loved the last line also for its surprise factor. Maybe instead of Mountain something that would suggest a serpentine or snakelike road shape to play of the shedding skin.

[Aish]

Landslide.

It's making me think about futility, so I think that means you wrote it well.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback guys.

[cidermaid]

Big thumbs up from me. I have a similar facination with the immage of a cliff shedding it's skin.
Try your mind on this... a sea cliff...that decends like an aged lover onto the beach, to crush and smother her with the weight of his occupation.
Also liked your 2nd offshoot above. although... I thinking perhaps a small change, but as a newbie to offering my thoughts, i do so with some trepidation. :\

Canyon shadow
wondering
if he misses me too

[billy]

that works as well
thanks for the feedback

[ChristopherSea]

A cliff sheds its skin
across the mountain road
oblivious to traffic

This is real cool billy! You could have that cliff shed it's 'clothing' upon the road and add some double entendre.

A cliff sheds her dress
upon the mountain road
oblivious to traffic

It gets you a landslide and a stiptease in one!

-or-

Cliff sheds his overalls...

Cheers/Chris

[heslopian]

Great senryu, Bilbo. It makes that cliff seem like a gross old man who's outgrown caring about other people's perceptions of his habits

[rayheinrich]

A cliff sheds its skin
across the mountain road
oblivious to traffic

tranzendent!