Under The Influence

[raymond trevitt]

In simpler times
I waltzed with goddesses,
to the strains of violins
and the influence of
fine wine.
I was a handsome man then,
the goddesses said.
Now I dance alone,
to the pounding of
a whisky headache.

[Leanne]

Hello Raymond! I like this -- it seems simple in its construction but the final lines in particular are thought-provoking and quite sad. Whisky and wine have quite different connotations (though I love them both dearly!) -- wine is a far more sociable drink, according to the world at large, whereas whisky seems to turn up in popular culture as the drink of the high-powered businessman these days. I think L7 would work with just "the goddesses told me" or even "the goddesses said", so the statement is still qualified but the sarcastic edge is a little more understated.

Thank you for the read, I enjoyed this.

[raymond trevitt]

Thank you for the suggestion. I spent almost an hour looking through this site and reading your articles. You know alot about poetry so i prolly should pay attention to your suggestion.

[Leanne]

If you really wanted to emphasise that line without the extra words you had before, you could try (the goddesses said)

[Philatone]

hey raymond
i think you pack a lot well in this short piece.

one idea i had was to eliminate the "the influence of" and perhaps shorten the ending, but neither is necessary. a pleasant read, thanks for sharing

[billy]

thanks for testing the water by posting in novice first; though this is worthy of any of the other forums should you think otherwise.

drinking for pleasure and drinking to get drunk; or for the sake of drinking, you show two diametrically opposed ways to drink. (social and alone) the latter not so good; it has many layers of sadness swirling round your whisky glass. i have no nits to point out sorry; i enjoyed reading it.

thanks for the read.

[raymond trevitt]

hey raymond
i think you pack a lot well in this short piece.

one idea i had was to eliminate the "the influence of" and perhaps shorten the ending, but neither is necessary. a pleasant read, thanks for sharing

The use of the word 'influence' is meant to show a duality...positive, then negative

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thanks for testing the water by posting in novice first; though this is worthy of any of the other forums should you think otherwise.

drinking for pleasure and drinking to get drunk; or for the sake of drinking, you show two diametrically opposed ways to drink. (social and alone) the latter not so good; it has many layers of sadness swirling round your whisky glass. i have no nits to point out sorry; i enjoyed reading it.

thanks for the read.

still learning how to navigate this site....thank you for your input.