The Price of Gasoline

[raymond trevitt]

The solution to all the world's ills
that I was contemplating during the traffic jam at exit 37
was completely forgotten by the off ramp at exit 62.
The sun makes feeble attempts to break through the grey/black clouds.
This weather sucks.
The low gas indicator light turns itself on.
I know without counting that I have but $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon,
I may have to kill him.

[Todd]

Hi Raymond,

I'd be tempted to take your first two lines and make them an italicized comment under the title with some minor editing and then start the poem with the later lines.

My general thought is that you've got some good humor in this. It would be stronger however if you cut the extra filler out that doesn't deal with the traffic, the annoyance and the gas.

For me your poem starts here:

The low gas indicator light turns itself on.
I know without counting that I have $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate--maybe break the line on playing and let music I hate sit on its own line.
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon,--again to help the pace and tension maybe break on not
I may have to kill him.

Just some things to think about. I hope some of that is helpful.

Best,

Todd

[raymond trevitt]

I originally titled this 'road rage' but felt that to be too obvious. My intent was to point out the distractions and build up to anger with the gas and loud music being the last straws. Just some thoughts I was noodling with. Thank you for the input.

[billy]

The epic poem I was conjuring during the traffic jam at exit 37
was completely misplaced by the off ramp at exit 62.
The sun makes feeble attempts to break through the grey/black clouds.
Some god toying with us I think. do
The low gas indicator light turns itself on.
I know without counting that I have $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon,
I may have to kill him.

L4 doesn't add to the poem. maybe a bit of reworking the enjambment in a place or two. other than that i enjoyed the frustration of the thing
i think if you broke down the first two lines into three or even 4 lines it would add more tension to the start of the piece.
L3 could end at 'through'

small nits really, i like the content, and specially like the culmination where the light-heartedness of the statement has nasty undertones.

Thanks for the read. (worthy of being in mild or serious.)

[Johann]

The poem is interesting to read!

---

It combines the colloquial language with everyday life. I was in a traffic jam this morning and I was thinking your poem...

The poem is interesting to read!

[addy]

The solution to all the world's ills
that I was contemplating during the traffic jam at exit 37
was completely forgotten by the off ramp at exit 62. Is there a way you can compress this opening to two lines? It takes a little too long to get to the payoff, a tiny bit too much distance between the subject and the punchline
The sun makes feeble attempts to break through the grey/black not sure why "grey/ black"... the slash is kind of distracting for me, but i suppose that's just a style thing clouds.
This weather sucks.
The low gas indicator light turns itself on.
I know without counting that I have but $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon,
I may have to kill him. I really like how this built up... not really a slow burn but boiling. Casual and brusque. And it threads back nicely to the beginning. a very entertaining read for me

[Wildcard]

The solution to all the world's ills
that I was contemplating during the traffic jam at exit 37
was completely forgotten by the off ramp at exit 62.
The sun makes feeble attempts to break through the grey/black clouds. -- personally wonder if it wouldn't fit the tone better to make it a scorcher of a day instead of overcast . . . one more thing to add to the tension.
This weather sucks. --This line made me laugh out loud. It seemed random at the time but now I see it fits into the scheme.
The low gas indicator light turns itself on.
I know without counting that I have but $8.21 in my pocket.
Two gallons worth.
At a traffic light, some asshole is playing music I hate
much too loud.
If the light does not turn green soon, --Good close imo
I may have to kill him.

This is one of those short poems that amount to a snap shot or short scene. Even though it is brief, there is a lot of strong images. I do think there is a good bit of filler that could be cut, but I am no expert.

The title kind of gives the poem an irritated sound from the beginning, but I think the first few lines are a little distracting when taken in the big picture. Maybe start a at L5?

Anyway as this is in Novice, I leave it to others to add their feedback.

Thanks for sharing.