Liberty Avenue Park

[raymond trevitt]

We sat on the swing set
that was built for kids younger than us.
Late into the evening we would talk
about nothing.
Me and my great unrequited love,
because for all our talk
I never told her that.
Nor did she ever tell me.
So to this day
we remain suspended
in that unrequited state
which is beautiful
for it can never turn to hate.

[ambustharp]

We sat on the swing set
that was built for kids younger than us.
Late into the evening we would talk
about nothing.
Me and my great unrequited love,
because for all our talk
I never told her that.
Nor did she ever tell me.
So to this day
we remain suspended
in that unrequited state
which is beautiful
for it can never turn to hate.

I enjoy the image you express- of two kids on a swing, both in love with neither one knowing the other's feelings. However, I don't know how I feel about some expressions that seem overly common- "unrequited state," "never turn to hate," "unrequited love," "talk about nothing."

Is there a deeper, more powerful way to express each line?[/b]

[billy]

i see some stuff you could remove without hurting the poem.
words like for before it or i are seldom need.
same with phrases like that was and because
i quite like it though it needs a fair bit of trimming down

thanks for the read.

[raymond trevitt]

@ambus:I'm sure there is a deeper and more powerful way to express each line, but if I knew it I wouldn't be looking for help on a poetry critiquing site. Any suggestions are welcome.@billy:I think that is one of my weak points. I tend to write everything that comes into my head and call it a poem. Maybe I should have put this in the prose section.

[addy]

I like the candidness of this piece Raymond. I do agree that you could trim some stuff. "Unrequited" is just too much of a mouthful to repeat twice in the poem. Though candidness is good, you also have to challenge yourself to state what you want to state in other ways. Thanks very much for the read.

[billy]

@ambus:I'm sure there is a deeper and more powerful way to express each line, but if I knew it I wouldn't be looking for help on a poetry critiquing site. Any suggestions are welcome.@billy:I think that is one of my weak points. I tend to write everything that comes into my head and call it a poem. Maybe I should have put this in the prose section.

using excess wordage is one of my main problems when i do poem.

i think the poem is a poem, prose poetry is poetry, so is narrative poetry. excess wordage (verbiage) is seldom good for any poem, if it's needed it's not excess

if you meant to write a poem then this is the proper place. if you allowed me i'd show what i mean about verbiage. just by removing some of the words and not adding anythin of my own