A Haiku

[addy]

V.2 edit

Unmoving bear lies
miles from the frozen river-
in dreams, fish leap.


V.1

Unmoving bear lies
miles from the icy river -
in dreams, the fish leap.

[Philatone]

could drop the "the" in the last line (understand, though, if you're counting syllables). otherwise really tight. I liked it addy; the opening is subtle enough to suggest a lot and open up a bit of depth for the piece.

[addy]

Nah, the syllable count isn't that strict, I just thought "the" made sense from the perspective of a bear. You're correct though, its much better without it . Thanks for the feedback

[billy]

nice edit

[Aish]

I think you did a great job with the edit.
This is a nice piece, still smiling over it