On Giving Up The Drink: (a kyrielle)

[billy]

He spoke my name as clear as day
and asked me if I'd like to play.
A teddy bear that sang to me;
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

He offered me a fat cigar
and took some biscuits from a jar,
then set the table, made some tea.
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

His mouth was stitched, his eyes were glass
A bruin with panache and class
"One lump, and cream, a slice of brie?"
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

We ate the cheese, some crackers too;
the creamy sort with veins of blue,
upon his leg I saw a flea.
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

A flea that liked to play charades
while wearing minute Oakley shades.
It jumped about and laughed with glee
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

Eventually as night wore on
the drunken flea and bear had gone,
so I just sat there all at sea
and thought it odd, it couldn't be.

---

i tried so hard to do a pretty serious poem, somehow i couldn't stop thinking of the teddy bear we have on our bed (long story)

[tectak]

He spoke my name as clear as day
and asked me if I'd like to play.
A teddy bear that sang to me;
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

He offered me a fat cigar
and took some biscuits from a jar,
then set the table, made some tea.
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

His mouth was stitched, his eyes were glass
A bruin with panache and class
"One lump, and cream, a slice of brie?"
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

We ate the cheese, some crackers too;
the creamy sort with veins of blue,
upon his leg I saw a flea.
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

A flea that liked to play charades
while wearing minute Oakley shades.
It jumped about and laughed with glee
I thought it odd, it couldn't be.

Eventually as night wore on
the drunken flea and bear had gone,
so I just sat there all at sea
and thought it odd, it couldn't be.

---

i tried so hard to do a pretty serious poem, somehow i couldn't stop thinking of the teddy bear we have on our bed (long story)

Critics are shy right now but there is the possibility that they are speechless with awe
Your should give up the drink more often, billy. This is terrific. I would double-post this into p for f just to give the fun seekers a chance to read it.
Absolutely no complaints. Very well done. Maybe try for a stronger line penultimate last, but your call.
Best,
tectak

[penguin]

Never heard of a kyrielle before. I like this, Billy, the way it addresses a problem tangentially - I think. Don't know how well the cigar sits with the biscuits and crackers.
3rd and 4th verses very nice, you maybe need something stronger than a comma after "veins of blue".
Do you rhyme shades with charades when you speak?

Ray

[rowens]

Just as it is, I can hear you telling it with wide eyes as more calm people shake their heads and wonder.

[billy]

Critics are shy right now but there is the possibility that they are speechless with awe
Your should give up the drink more often, billy. This is terrific. I would double-post this into p for f just to give the fun seekers a chance to read it.
Absolutely no complaints. Very well done. Maybe try for a stronger line penultimate last, but your call.
Best,
tectak

i doubt awe would be the right word "hysterical:

that last line was a real bitch and because of it, it feels forced. i will see if i can come up with a better line, thanks Tom.

---

Never heard of a kyrielle before. I like this, Billy, the way it addresses a problem tangentially - I think. Don't know how well the cigar sits with the biscuits and crackers.
3rd and 4th verses very nice, you maybe need something stronger than a comma after "veins of blue".
Do you rhyme shades with charades when you speak?

Ray

yes to the shar aids
and i agree, it should be a period or semi colon instead of a comma.
thanks for the feedback

---

Just as it is, I can hear you telling it with wide eyes as more calm people shake their heads and wonder.

, thanks for the comment rowen

[tectak]

Critics are shy right now but there is the possibility that they are speechless with awe
Your should give up the drink more often, billy. This is terrific. I would double-post this into p for f just to give the fun seekers a chance to read it.
Absolutely no complaints. Very well done. Maybe try for a stronger line penultimate last, but your call.
Best,
tectak

i doubt awe would be the right word "hysterical:

that last line was a real bitch and because of it, it feels forced. i will see if i can come up with a better line, thanks Tom.

---

Never heard of a kyrielle before. I like this, Billy, the way it addresses a problem tangentially - I think. Don't know how well the cigar sits with the biscuits and crackers.
3rd and 4th verses very nice, you maybe need something stronger than a comma after "veins of blue".
Do you rhyme shades with charades when you speak?

Ray

yes to the shar aids
and i agree, it should be a period or semi colon instead of a comma.
thanks for the feedback

---

Just as it is, I can hear you telling it with wide eyes as more calm people shake their heads and wonder.

, thanks for the comment rowen

Any good?

Eventually as night wore on
and drunken flea and bear had gone,
I found a cracker on my knee
and thought it odd, it couldn't be.

Best,
tectak

[billy]

i think it could be, it at least gives me some ideas

thanks ray.

[just mercedes]

I like the refrain line, it keeps me centered as I read, and allows the play of imagination full rein - and gives the narrator a sort of distance from the events of the poem. I like to see the tension of opposites used in poems - or juxtaposition, or what ever you want to call it.

Great work for your first kyrielle! They are often quite serious in tone, and yours was fresh!

Funny how there's a lot of cheese on the site...

[billy]

yep, we're full of cheese here jm

thanks for the feedback, the main thing i liked in what you said is that you thought it was fresh