The view from my high horse

[richthehat]

Hi I'm new. I've been writing poems for a couple of weeks and before that had little more than a casual interest. I've joined a couple of forums but they seem a little too nice. I'm looking for ways to improve. Honesty and advice well received. Thanks


The view from my high horse

Slap on the war paint, it’s Saturday night
Neck a bottle of wine, and get ready to fight
The night is very young, and so are you
And with your tits hanging out you’ll just jump past the queue
Straight to the front where the bouncers are rude
There’s a stench in the air of trouble that’s brewing

With their tongues hanging out they’ll be buying you drinks
He’s in control at least that’s what he thinks
With a skirt so short it ends before it begins
You don’t need confession to expose your sins
Men with no brains ogling your pins
The attention you get is a sign that you’re winning

You’ll walk over anyone to get to your bait
The majority of society can easily relate
To your quest, your aim, your mission, your goal
Following the rabbit, down the “acceptable” hole.
Flaunting the flesh in spite of the cold
You’ll just become a story that’s told

Dancing all night like women on t.v
Men falling over each other begging you please
For casual sex in all kinds of places
If you’re lucky enough you’ll remember their faces
You don’t need protection, doubt it’s contagious
Every weekend getting more and more outrageous

And hold on a sec gents, you’re not off the hook
Have you ever even thought about reading a book
Your hair might be pristine, your arms might be big
That doesn’t change the fact you’re a chauvinist pig
All I see is a mask and a wig
You really do cut a disgusting figure

A few pints down the local, then off into town
Fooling around and acting the clown
Shouting and screaming like a child that’s spoilt
A few racial slurs as your arm is recoiled
“just a couple of slaps” his objections foiled
Running away as the temperature boils

“Ello darling” can I buy you a drink
You’re not like most blokes, you’re a bit of a finker
“you look stunning love” you spit in her direction
She seems more than warming to your affections
She’s putty in your hands with your lies of perfection
Just don’t mention that you’ve got an infection

You got what you wanted, time for some grease
If you get lucky, maybe disturb the peace
Your latest conquest left on the kerb crying
“what was she like” your good chums are prying
“Fucking crap” boys. Can they tell that your lying?
You’ve erectile disfunctioned and inside your dying

As the afternoon breaks you both rise from your sleep
All to ready to do it again next week
The girls are popular and the blokes are all “LEGENDS”
And maybe I’m jealous of all that I’ve mentioned
Cuz if you are one of them you won’t get laughed at or questioned
Just make sure you do your shopping in Debenhams

Watch BBC 3 for your humour and wit
Above everything else, remember you’re British
Eat out at Nando’s for a real special treat
Go watch a rom com and get a good seat
Repeat and retort, retort and repeat
If the conversation gets heavy you can just stare at your feet

Don’t look down when your heads in the clouds
You could end up like me, inexplicably proud
Acting righteous with a lesson to teach
Like I’ve cleansed my soul with a splashing of bleach
Minor achievements, goals easily reached
Don’t challenge yourself or your pride could get breached

BATTEN DOWN THE HATCHES, the masses are coming
OVER THE TOP. Humanity’s changing
FIRE THE CANONS ™, it’s a photo opportunity
Look at me being popular, in a cattle community
Like the same music it’ll grant you immunity
Sell your soul to Simon for your character’s impunity

I’m not the devil, the devil is dead
He passed away peacefully watching Eastenders
Nor am I an angel, a profit or saint
I’m just a young man with an image to paint
Billions of people locked in restraints
Unaware their imprisoned without any complaints

Society is broken and so is this record
So I’ll round it up quickly before you get bored
Ignore all the hype and the next biggest thing
You don’t need that gadget or a shiny new ring
Take pleasure from a snowflake, or the first day of spring
Open your mouth and at the top of your lungs sing

You only need love, in this world of hate
But you must find it yourself it doesn’t come on a plate
Think long and hard about decisions you make
Take off your front there’s no need to be fake
Break out’ your routine, there’s too much at stake
You’ll have a much better life when you’re finally awake

[billy]

hi rich.
great to see you posting, don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere

first off, for some one who's only been doing poetry for a very short time, this is excellent.
there are lots of places it can be improved but it's got a very good core.
one of the main problems with the poem is the meter, in starting out try and get the hang of making it iambic when doing verse. (rhyming poetry)once you get the hang of it you can strike out with all kinds of meter
meter....

next is rhyme, in general your rhymes are good. that said, rude doesn't rhyme with brewing, wit doesn't rhyme with British, questioned doesn't rhyme with Debenhams, these should be fixed.
You have some near rhyme in pairs like, spoilt and recoiled, wins pinning, foiled boils. while they would pass, fig, figure. it would help if they were perfect rhymes.
when rhyming try and make use of a consistent rhyme scheme for example; aabbcc or abacad depending on the verse length, iof you do a google you'll find lots of rhyme schemes to choose from.

the content has lots of original lines. and is pretty powerful, there are some cliche which others will hopefully point out , but the plot while obvious is pretty compelling. at first i thought the person was a women then it transpired it was a guy. this mainly stems from the first verse, but taken in consideration with the tile it does work on the 2nd and subsequent reads.

though it needs a pretty big overhaul,all in all it's an excellent effort

thanks for the read.

[addy]

I really liked this rich. Lots of original lines, and lots of character. I felt there may be two different poems in here, as the poem seems to kind of switch gears and switch subjects once it gets to the narrator's personal musings midway through. That's just my personal take though

The meter and rhyme could be made more consistent. I liked the informality of some of the rhymes though; gave it a colloquial flavor. An excellent effort, especially for someone new to poetry

[billy]

bumped

[richthehat]

thanks for the advice i will work on the things you've recommended.

[Keith]

I really enjoyed the rhymes Rich, kept me reading, wanting the lines to be clever, and they dont dissapoint, I agree with addy on two pieces and they would both stand out for me. I particularly enjoyed the rhythm created by repeated rhyming in the last Stanza. You did a great job on this well done. Thanks for the read.

[TwistedAngel]

LOVE the title of this is almost 2 poems in 1 IMO stanzas 1 to 11 then 12 to 15

you soooo cynical..an i like that,but the write has a undertone of bitterness as well ? taking just stanzas 1 to 11 am happy reading along an nodding me head but also thinking...hmm thats ok but as long as they aint bothering you then wots the harm ?

12 to 15 is me fave it goes a bit deeper an really enjoyed it that said the overall piece is a bit self righteous...err sez me Mz Shouty Crackers at the world

as one of you first poems i think its awesome

[cidermaid]

Hi,
A great effort. I liked this poem, i did not have to push myself to finish it...your subject and style held me. Whilst i agree that this is a face value poem with not much hidden i do not think that this detracts and in a way strengthens the poem. It is one of those subjects that calls for upfront appraisal. I think the poem acts as a sort of chalk line for people to decide where they stand on this one. I also agree with the comments about the poem almost being two seperate ones. I took it to be a sort of boys V's girls slag off which when i viewed it like this enhanced the content choice for me.
Over-all well done and keep on writing, if this is your standard after only a couple of weeks you def have a emerging talent.

[Rose Love]

Hmm...this thread is old. Do people on these forums read old threads?

Well, it was in the thread list, and since I have been known to have my own high horse, well, I read the poem. And I swear, I have been sitting on exactly the same high horse as the person in the poem!

I also assumed it was from a girl's perspective, most likely because I'm a girl and I don't think I've ever met a (non-religious) guy who is even capable of seeing that perspective.

I can also answer TwistedAngel's question - "what's the harm?" Try being a chaste girl in a society like this and you'll eventually become bitter too, especially at the other girls in your society who you come to see actually have "trained" the men to expect sex from you when you don't even want them touching you. Then it's no skin off their nose--they just dump you to find a "normal" girl and you spend your years alone--(Quick summary)

I've gotten over that, but I had a huge chip on my shoulder specifically about this subject/situation for many years.

I agree with everything that was said so far too. I was going to say that, when writing a poem, it is most potent when you focus just on one topic and don't mix up too much or too many different subjects in it, as you did at the end. You can make a good poem by taking a very small thing and looking at it from many different perspectives. Like Blake's poem shows:

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.

I had an English professor who put a shell on the desk and told us to write a poem about it. I came up with a very lovely poem . To my dismay, I ended up burning it when I burnt all my diaries in 2006 (don't ask ).

[billy]

Hmm...this thread is old. Do people on these forums read old threads?

reply to any poem you want to rose.