Pretend:

[billy]

Come in, take your hat off
and hang that coat to dry.
Sit down beside the fire
let's talk of love in wine.

Now hang that coat to dry
pour yourself a vino.
Let's talk of love in wine
while rain berates the door.

Pour yourself a vino
then share your stories do,
while rain berates the door.
Good company I lack.

Please share your stories do,
and in turn I'll share mine.
Good company I lack.
I'm so grateful to you.

yes, in turn I'll share mine.
Sit down beside the fire,
Good company I lack.
Come in, take your hat off

[rowens]

I think it has a simplistic quality to it. A stripped down welcoming for someone to come visit, a simple visit for its own sake. When it says "berates the door" the first time, it feels like something complicated's being stuck in; but the second time it's said, it feels normal and casual as the rest of the poem. Once you've accepted that "berates", the lines like "then share your stories do" and "good company I lack" feel natural to the poem too.

[just mercedes]

A pantoum, nicely done. Personally, I like an upset to the meter, I like it to be less predictable. This simple heart-felt longing for company suits the form well, almost hypnotic.

[billy]

I think it has a simplistic quality to it. A stripped down welcoming for someone to come visit, a simple visit for its own sake. When it says "berates the door" the first time, it feels like something complicated's being stuck in; but the second time it's said, it feels normal and casual as the rest of the poem. Once you've accepted that "berates", the lines like "then share your stories do" and "good company I lack" feel natural to the poem too.

thanks for the feedback rowen.

---

A pantoum, nicely done. Personally, I like an upset to the meter, I like it to be less predictable. This simple heart-felt longing for company suits the form well, almost hypnotic.

thank jm, at first i decided to iambs then changed my mind and went with a mixture. i did spend a while trying different themes and after the 1st verse of this one, went with it.

[tectak]

Come in, take your hat off
and hang that coat to dry.
Sit down beside the fire
let's talk of love in wine.

Now hang that coat to dry
pour yourself a vino.
Let's talk of love in wine
while rain berates the door.

Pour yourself a vino
then share your stories do,
while rain berates the door.
Good company I lack.

Please share your stories do,
and in turn I'll share mine.
Good company I lack.
I'm so grateful to you.

yes, in turn I'll share mine.
Sit down beside the fire,
Good company I lack.
Come in, take your hat off

This is a pantoum which would normally (though what is normal about buggering about with end rhymes to no good purpose) run in form to the bitter end without modification of the lines structure. Rigorous. You did not do that, you added little nuances and I believe this saved the piece from monotony. It personalised the piece and added to the MDMA-ness.
Punctuation in this form is probably another area where you chose to personalise
Overall, a really nice friendly poem. Very out of character

[billy]

sorry tectak, i only just got to your feedback , thanks for the comments

as you can tell in most of my poems, punctuation has never been a kind mistress to me

[Philatone]

hey billy,

the tone of this piece is what makes it stand out, as well as the touches to the meter that keep it fresh. in addition to that, I was fond of the word choice; simple things like "while rain berates the door" and ""i'm so grateful to you" struck me as unusual for you. my critiques are small

Come in, take your hat off
and hang that coat to dry....liked the commands
Sit down beside the fire
let's talk of love in wine.

Now hang that coat to dry..the "Now" and "yes" (later on) did little for me in the piece. tasted like filler
pour yourself a vino.
Let's talk of love in wine
while rain berates the door.

Pour yourself a vino
then share your stories do,
while rain berates the door.
Good company I lack.

Please share your stories do,
and in turn I'll share mine.
Good company I lack.
I'm so grateful to you.

yes, in turn I'll share mine.
Sit down beside the fire,
Good company I lack.
Come in, take your hat off

[billy]

thanks geoff,
would just hang your coat

and

yes, in turn I'll share mine.

work better, i'm also open to suggestions

[Philatone]

"just" can easily become filler as well.

perhaps this is just an issue i have. my work around would probably be something like:

"Come in, take your hat off,
hang your ________ coat to dry" with an adjective to describe the coat in there. the adjective would also give a another layer to the sense of atmosphere in the piece (e.g., "soaking" coat would emphasize the weather like "dry" does; "heavy coat" could show winter, the way your other lines suggest as well).

just a suggestion, and one you could use for all the lines with the coat. the "yes" is a bit harder to work with..

[billy]

how can i do it without screwing the meter up; which is my main criteria. and still keeping the repetition alive?