F*%ing is a Metaphor for F*%ing (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

I suppose we are like an old movie,
black and white,
without the cold complications 
of color, reduced to tired tropes
for an unseen audience.
We become the closed bedroom door,
the giggle and glance 
over breakfast,
in these intricate steps 
to a slow dance
that implies nothing
more than a kiss in the backseat 
of a Continental, the long drag
on a cigarette, which is still 
only a cigarette,
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood—
where these roles are style over subtext,
and the words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read.

Original

I suppose we are like an old movie,
the black and white,
without the cold complications
of color, reduced to simple tropes
for an unseen audience.
We become the closed
bedroom door,
the giggle and the glance
over breakfast, retracing
intricate steps of a slow dance
that implies nothing
more than a kiss in the backseat
of a Continental and the long drag
on a cigarette, which
is still only a cigarette,
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood—
where it is style over subtext,
and words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read.

~~~
Notes: Though this is close to the original some slight structural edits were made based on the comments, though not enough to be considered a full revision.

[Aish]

Hi, Todd, lovely to read you again.

I don't think you need "the" in front of "white" in L2. I really don't have any nits, except I'm biased and think you need strophes.
The piece is well developed, and evoked an emotional response from me, both melancholic and nostalgic. Thanks for the lovely bits today

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

It's good to see you back too. I'll play with the strophe idea and good eye on the THE cut.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

I enjoyed the subtlety, the mild tone, and the allusions to longevity and a more romantic era, both in film and the relationship in the piece.

---

Hi! Thank you, and you're welcome.

Regards,
Aish

[Todd]

Cool. I wasn't sure if it worked. I wanted an abrupt modern over the top title juxtaposed against the old movie feel. I'm glad it read that way.

[Leanne]

Todd, this is a beautifully developed conceit and the final lines are incredibly poignant. Personally I like it better sans strophes as I think it's a cohesive unit. If Hollywood has a capital, then Continental probably should too.

Your use of language is superb, especially "cold complications of color" against the thread of sibilants running through. Yes, this is good stuff.

[Todd]

Thanks Leanne. I'll make those changes and mull over strophes some more. In general for me the first draft usually suggests if I'm going to have strophe breaks though it can change.

[billy]

the 2nd stanza is very subtle, not sure if the slow dance is too cliche or not but i'd keep it simply because it's an image that was often substituted pre or post instead of sex. everything works in alluding to the act.
the last stanza ties in perfectly with the title and in some ways act as a hook. (is 'the' needed in the last stanza i wonder?) the title is very clever. at first when i saw it before reading the poem i thought "that weak, why not just say what it is; fucking" but after reading the poem i see why it was done that way no nits here as such, i'm not sure which one to choose, i like both equally.

[Todd]

Thanks Billy. I appreciate the comments. I also killed the "the" you pointed out. I agree it's unneeded.

[Aish]

Personally, I think the strophes hit it out of the ballpark, but that is personal bias for works longer than four or five lines. The piece is great either way. Makes me want to watch a Greta Garbo flick

[Todd]

The more I've wrestled with the format, I see three options each has areas I like:

No strophe breaks: Cohesion
Strophe breaks: Introducing additional pauses and perhaps some layering of meaning brought about by the pause.
Two sections: I think if there was one strophe break I really like it's the one on "nothing". It's possible that those two sections will read better broken.

I'm leaning toward no strophe breaks, but honestly it's a pretty fine point either way. If the second section after the "nothing" break focused more like a turn other than an outcome I may be inclined to go that way. It's a piano by feel thing for me at the moment. I don't think the pauses emphasize the way I would like them to with the breaks. That said, I'm still thinking about it.

I appreciate the other look Aish (for me it's usually Bette Davis, but I like Garbo)

[billy]

a suggestion to boil the pot even more,

why not put the break after door. that way it breaks away as it does in the movies to the morning where the next scene shows them having breakfast? (if you use a two stanza format)

[Todd]

a suggestion to boil the pot even more,

why not put the break after door. that way it breaks away as it does in the movies to the morning where the next scene shows them having breakfast? (if you use a two stanza format)

A perfectly valid idea like a jump cut in fiction...boil away

Thanks Billy

[Aish]

This just made me stupidly happy. I love seeing the process work.

[Philatone]

hey todd!
good to see a piece from you

I suppose we are like an old movie, ...the opening struck me as a little weak; the "I suppose" steals energy, but that may be good for the tone
the black and white,
without the cold complications
of color, reduced to simple tropes
for an unseen audience.
We become the closed
bedroom door,
the giggle and the glance
over breakfast, retracing
intricate steps of a slow dance....like the imagery and scenes here
that implies nothing...this line by itself got more attention than I felt it deserved
more than a kiss in the backseat
of a Continental and the long drag
on a cigarette, which
is still only a cigarette,
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood—
where it is style over subtext,...maybe just me, but the "it" didn't feel specific enough. i lost the subject. I think it's something about Hollywood. also, the abstract nature of this line contrasted heavily with the concrete image of the close
and words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read.

hope a thought or two is agreeable

[Todd]

Sure Geoff, comments are always welcome. I'll give what you've said some thought. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Because poems are never done. I've returned to this one after enough distance and tried to improve it. Revision is up.

[Keith]

I don't remember reading this one first time round so I'm pleased to see the rework, I think the line breaks work well esp on the with the cigarette, my take away is the subtle way you work the metaphor of the N F*%cking being ageing icon. The poem works really well, I have put some comment below for consideration but its just that. Best Keith

Revision

I suppose we are like an old movie,
black and white, I didn't take anything from this line that I didn't already have from the lines before and after and for me its reads smoother without it but I could be missing its significance.
without the cold complications I really like these line because at first I thought surely colour brings warmth but colour lets us see more detail thus being cold, well done
of color, reduced to tired tropes
for an unseen audience.
We become the closed bedroom door,
the giggle and glance 
over breakfast, like these personifications
in these intricate steps 
to a slow dance
that implies nothing
more than a kiss in the backseat 
of a Continental, the long drag
on a cigarette, which is still 
only a cigarette, like this using cliche as cliche
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood— delightful comparison brings the whole feel together.
where these roles are style over subtext,
and the words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read. Great ending leaves a hint of failure.

[Todd]

Keith, I appreciate the comments.

Thank you.

Best,

Todd

[Richard]

Hey Todd,
I only read the most recent critique, so I apologize if I repeat anything someone else said earlier.

Overall, I like this poem. It uses some nice metaphors throughout and is a strong piece. I'll attempt to critique below:

Revision

I suppose we are like an old movie,
black and white,
without the cold complications -The "cold complications/of color" is an a wonderful image. One would usually imagine color as implying warmth, but you knock that tired idea on its side. As well, I think that the black and white indicates how old the speaker's relationship may be, or feels to be. 
of color, reduced to tired tropes
for an unseen audience. -I can't help but wonder who the unseen audience may be. I feel like it's friends and family seeing this relationship in action. I'm sure others might think the audience is society in general or may be even god... This might be a point worth exploring more.
We become the closed bedroom door,
the giggle and glance 
over breakfast,
in these intricate steps 
to a slow dance
that implies nothing
more than a kiss in the backseat -I find this such a depressing image, but in a good way.  This makes me wonder if the relationship is not as developed as the speaker thinks. Was this your intention?
of a Continental, the long drag
on a cigarette, which is still 
only a cigarette,
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood— -I love this line. I like it so much that I'm going to make a bold suggestion, which you are more than free to ignore. I think you should consider making this your title.
where these roles are style over subtext,
and the words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read. -I like this last image. It gives me the impression that something isn't right with the relationship though. May be the speaker is living in black and white, while his/her lover wants to live in color... Am I over thinking this ending?

Original

I suppose we are like an old movie,
the black and white,
without the cold complications
of color, reduced to simple tropes
for an unseen audience.
We become the closed
bedroom door,
the giggle and the glance
over breakfast, retracing
intricate steps of a slow dance
that implies nothing
more than a kiss in the backseat
of a Continental and the long drag
on a cigarette, which
is still only a cigarette,
and still fashionable
in the way of old Hollywood—
where it is style over subtext,
and words between us
are captions written on a screen
I can no longer read.

~~~
Notes: Though this is close to the original some slight structural edits were made based on the comments, though not enough to be considered a full revision.

My biggest suggestion would be to re-think your title. I get its meaning, but it just doesn't work for me. The images of black and white movies and old Hollywood don't seem to jive with the f-bomb. However, I feel like I'm just nit-picking with a lot of my points here because this is a strong piece.

Nice work,
Richard