Loneliness

[kentucky-kid]

A lighthouse in the middle of the ocean
All the maidens would only go for glisten
I'm not a twinkle
But could you spare me a little cycle?

An island in the middle of nowhere
Any chance of a seeker are rare
The ocean pulls me under
The silence tears me asunder
To the cold palace I wander

A rose in the snow
Only me in the vast will glow
Withered through the autumn
Only to meet the winter
A feeling that will only get wider

A wall left unscribbled
A puzzle left riddled
A rope left hanging
A chair there standing

A columbarium of hope
Perched on top of this slope
I'm a step away from falling
The fibres on this rope are pulling

Why is my angel in concrete?
Why is her whisper so discrete?
Never graced by her presence
Can I afford more patience?

There is still desire and craving
A hope inside to get a little loving
To try and see through my own pretending
The same reasons I wrote these wordings....

[billy]

A lighthouse in the middle of the ocean
All the maidens would only go for glisten
I'm not a twinkle
But could you spare me a little cycle?

An island in the middle of nowhere
Any chance of a seeker are rare
The ocean pulls me under
The silence tears me asunder
To the cold palace I wander

A rose in the snow
Only me in the vast will glow
Withered through the autumn
Only to meet the winter
A feeling that will only get wider

A wall left unscribbled
A puzzle left riddled
A rope left hanging
A chair there standing

A columbarium of hope
Perched on top of this slope
I'm a step away from falling
The fibres on this rope are pulling

Why is my angel in concrete?
Why is her whisper so discrete?
Never graced by her presence
Can I afford more patience?

There is still desire and craving
A hope inside to get a little loving
To try and see through my own pretending
The same reasons I wrote these wordings....

my comment would be "a little long and not enough imagery."

try and show
try not to tell

write it in the modern idiom.

William Shakespeare did.

he'd have said. a chair there standing.
but that was the language of the day.
we would normally say; a chair standing there. or even ; a standing chair there.

good effort. imo i think it could lose over half it's length and still say more.

thanks for sharing it kk.

[Deor Ana Log]

A lighthouse in the middle of the ocean
All the maidens would only go for glisten
I'm not a twinkle
But could you spare me a little cycle?

An island in the middle of nowhere
Any chance of a seeker are rare
The ocean pulls me under
The silence tears me asunder
To the cold palace I wander

A rose in the snow
Only me in the vast will glow
Withered through the autumn
Only to meet the winter
A feeling that will only get wider

A wall left unscribbled
A puzzle left riddled
A rope left hanging
A chair there standing

A columbarium of hope
Perched on top of this slope
I'm a step away from falling
The fibres on this rope are pulling

Why is my angel in concrete?
Why is her whisper so discrete?
Never graced by her presence
Can I afford more patience?

There is still desire and craving
A hope inside to get a little loving
To try and see through my own pretending
The same reasons I wrote these wordings....

Other poets (including myself) should use this piece as a lesson on minimalism, and how form can be consise with because overbearing. The maiden is a fascinating character, and if this poet was still active I would 100% pm them about it. Finding literature lost to the sands of tme like this is something I continue to value - Deor Ana Log

[wizzpower]

for writing something like this trying to express this raw emotion. more modern succint language is probably needed. you can also go the other way and use more metaphors, imagery more complex language. imo the simple one done right is just better 

some of the repition feels quite cliche. sounds abit like rambling so try not to go there right. try and create progression somewhere. this is just my opnions 
so i may be very wrong