World War 3

[Jolly Figs]

You may view my life as perfect
and I do too when I look at it
from the outside.
But in reality I view my world as a world war
If something is perfect in my life
I somehow make it look like an
old decrepit dried up melting flower
it looks and feels like an old abandon house
waiting to be demolished
to keep the underage kids away
from smashing my already shattered windows
and engraving anymore names to my wall of shame.
"Greg was here" is written all over
as if it were some kind of cult.
Their digging their names into me
to show off to the new comers that decided
to explore my cave of disasters that
they were once there.
No one wants to be forgotten
but in my world, I am.

[billy]

You may view my life as perfect
and I do too when I look at it is and needed?
from the outside.
But in reality I view my world as a world war
If something is perfect in my life
I somehow make it look like an
old decrepit dried up melting flower not sure melting works, is is needed?
it looks and feels like an old abandon house or an instead of it looks and feels like
waiting to be demolished
to keep the underage kids away
from smashing my already shattered windows
and engraving anymore names to my wall of shame.
"Greg was here" is written all over i really think this line makes the poem and gives it a lot of depth
as if it were some kind of cult.
Their digging their names into me
to show off to the new comers that decided
to explore my cave of disasters that
they were once there.
No one wants to be forgotten
but in my world, I am.

again just suggestions jolly, i pointed an and that isn't needed at the top of the poem there are other words as well; away, their,
i really liked the latter half of the poem; form greg down. you had a couple of good images working in it. i think you need to do an edit but i thing it has the making of a good poem.

thanks for the read

don't forget to leave others some feedback please

[rowens]

I like this poem. There are some typos, like a 'their' in place of 'they're', and 'abandon house' might be a choice you made against 'abandoned house'. 'Abandon house' kind of justifies itself as it comes out here. This poem seems to be yelling, and has the authority of the moment's emotion. But what do you want to do with it?

[addy]

I quite enjoyed this one Jolly figs. I thought it was evocative, and there's a fresh earnestness and passion to the voice you use.

You may view my life as perfect
and I do too , put comma here when I look at it
from the outside.
But in reality I view my world as a world war "my world is a world war" is not really a metaphor that works for me. it didn't really go anywhere
If something is perfect in my life
I somehow make it look like an
old decrepit dried up melting flower Reading the poem over several times, I realized that this image may be an unnecessary tangent. it's good on it's own, but it existed as one phrase that never really went anywhere. Better to just skip this and jump right into "decrepit house", a metaphor which immediately steals the focus anyway and which the poem expands more on
it looks and feels like an old abandon house
waiting to be demolished
to keep the underage kids away
from smashing my already shattered windows
and engraving anymore names to my wall of shame.
"Greg was here" is written all over I like this touch
as if it were some kind of cult.
Their digging their names into me
to show off to the new comers that decided
to explore my cave of disasters that
they were once there.
No one wants to be forgotten
but in my world, I am.

Thanks for sharing!