FireFly

[ddtankerz]

Firefly, Firefly, Fly
Spread your wings Firefly and Fly
Fly and fly and fly !

[Keith]

Firefly, Firefly, Fly
Spread your wings Firefly and Fly
Fly and fly and fly !

Hi ddtankerz nice bright, little piece, there are rules to this form that billy explains very well in a link, so have a read, you got 5,7,5 and I suppose Firefly's are related to a specific season but the last line should change subject with a not so obvious link to the subject.
Thanks for the read

[billy]

a nice short form poem dd.
that reads like a senryu.
not sure the repetition works well enough in such a short poem
to use so much of it.

Thanks for the read.

[Keith]

a nice short form poem dd.
that reads like a senryu.
not sure the repetition works well enough in such a short poem
to use so much of it.

Thanks for the read.

Ooopps Sorry dd it looks like I need to read billys link again

[billy]

twisted sorted me out

[ddtankerz]

@Timeonmyhands : Is this the link? http://pigpenpoetry.com/showthread.php?tid=4006.I didnt see any violations i did Anyway thanks for the read.

@Billy : Im glad you enjoyed my piece, i tried to effectively use repetition though. ^^

Thank you for reading my little piece

-ddt

[billy]

seriously guys, it's not about violations or anything else. opinions are allowed to be wrong, people are allowed to make mistakes.

as to the repetition when you have a 11 repetitions in a a 14 word poem it leaves you with 3 non repetitive words.
in such a small poem, don't we need to get as much as we can into it?

[just mercedes]

The way I learned haiku, the gaijin is not present in the poem except as observer - he would not instruct anything to act, he would record what is happening and compare it subtly to something else.

flying fireflies
tangle up in aircraft lights ~
widely-spreading wings