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11-02-2012, 05:13 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-03-2012, 06:40 AM by billy.)
storm lamp swings on porch
lighting an open front door
I feel like a moth
first edit, thanks to Aish
Quote:original
a porch storm lamp swings
lighting an open front door
I feel like a moth
Posts: 259
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Hey, Billy. I am faltering a bit with the first line, trying to read as 'porch storm' or 'storm lamp'. Kinda clunky. Should it be a porch lamp or a storm lamp? I do get caught in a brewing wind sway, which I enjoy.
Otherwise, love the rest.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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thanks for the input Aish, i made an attempt at making it less of a tongue twister.
Posts: 259
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Mucha betta, boss
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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I really like it. Comparing the open door to the lamplight, and 'Swings' implying strong wind and that this is a "shelter from the storm" type of situation. Subtle and very good.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
thanks girls