haiku
#1
storm lamp swings on porch
lighting an open front door
I feel like a moth
first edit, thanks to Aish

Quote:original

a porch storm lamp swings
lighting an open front door
I feel like a moth
Reply
#2
Hey, Billy. I am faltering a bit with the first line, trying to read as 'porch storm' or 'storm lamp'. Kinda clunky. Should it be a porch lamp or a storm lamp? I do get caught in a brewing wind sway, which I enjoy.
Otherwise, love the rest.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Reply
#3
thanks for the input Aish, i made an attempt at making it less of a tongue twister. Smile
Reply
#4
Mucha betta, boss Smile
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Reply
#5
I really like it. Comparing the open door to the lamplight, and 'Swings' implying strong wind and that this is a "shelter from the storm" type of situation. Subtle and very good.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Reply
#6
thanks girls Smile
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!