I didn't care

[billy]

Embassy staff died
parts of diplomats sent home.
Aluminium pouches stamped
MADE IN BENGHAZI.

Spread like jam over a tv screen
black blood, nibbed across broadsheets.
Flag-weaving foreigners, fighting for what?

Nameless, faceless, exsanguinated,
American dreams in grains of quicksand.
Whose Rubicon did they cross?


I held no pity, no remorse, no hatred.
They were not gods or heroes
they were not of me.

what did they expect?

[penguin]

Hello Billy. I thought the first 6 lines or so were striking, powerful -
black blood, nibbed across broadsheets - particularly so.
After that it becomes less interesting, moving from specifics to the well-worn and rehearsed. And I don't think that last line is a great way to end a poem.
Yeah, the 2nd half of the poem has a definite I told you so about it.
Nice to be back.
Ray

[billy]

good to see you back

thanks for the feedback penguin. i'll take a good look at it over the weekend and see if i can come up with a reasonable edit

[Todd]

Billy,

Just a thought, if I were cutting away lines to bring it out more it may look like this. If it doesn't work for you I understand. Just easier to show you. There are some really strong lines here and a good poem. Here goes:



Embassy staff died
parts of diplomats sent home.
Aluminium pouches stamped
MADE IN BENGHAZI.

Spread like jam over a tv screen
black blood, nibbed across broadsheets.
Flag-weaving foreigners, fighting for what?

I held no pity.
They were not gods or heroes
they were not me. (I cut the of here, but otherwise let the text stand)


I liked the title too. I'm not sure if that's helpful. I liked the read though.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks for the suggestions Todd, i'll mull over the poem on the weekend

i do think the pity part says enough on it's own.