By the river

[Art Deco]

Of blissful hours beside the brook
When autumn breeze the foliage shook
A seedpod falls to float downstream
bourne by the water keen and clean

Perhaps to reach a distant sea
via wooded banks and verdant lee
Yet soon to meet its journey’s end
grounded at the river’s bend

There to set its tender roots
At springtime force its own green shoots
And so its destiny, not sea
but to become a towering tree

To flourish where the river flows
and shed in turn its embryos
that spiral downwards to the flow
along the current fast and slow

To settle on the river’s bank
with others of its fledgling rank
Thus Nature’s cycle is assured
and river gazers never bored

[Keith]

Of blissful hours beside the brook
When autumn breeze the foliage shook
A seedpod falls to float downstream
bourne by the water keen and clean

Perhaps to reach a distant sea
via wooded banks and verdant lee
Yet soon to meet its journey’s end
grounded at the river’s bend

There to set its tender roots
At springtime force its own green shoots
And so its destiny, not sea feels like the meter is short could add not at sea
but to become a towering tree

To flourish where the river flows
and shed in turn its embryos
that spiral downwards to the flow
along the current fast and slow

To settle on the river’s bank
with others of its fledgling rank really like this line it makes my think of sycamor seeds with wings
Thus Nature’s cycle is assured
and river gazers never bored great end line ties back nicley to the start

All told a wonderfull tale from the river bank, I dont know enough about meters to be more constructive but others do. Thanks for the read. TOMH

[billy]

hi art deco. what a fresh feeling write. i can't see anything but a few nits really, which i've pointed out below. i think the poem captures a slice of nature. lots of good lines in there that feels original. (okay, an odd one may verge on cliche but i don't think that matters in this poem. it feels like a poem of bravery and brightness, even though the sun wasn't mentioned it can be felt. i enjoyed the read a lot, thanks you.


don't forget to leave some feedback elsewhere

Of blissful hours beside the brook
When autumn breeze the foliage shook
A seedpod falls to float downstream
bourne by the water keen and clean not sure if that's the way to spell borne/born. the opening verse feels idyllic.

Perhaps to reach a distant sea
via wooded banks and verdant lee though via and verda... have nice v sounds, i always thing of bus or plane when i hear via. it feels out of place in such a naturalistic setting.
Yet soon to meet its journey’s end
grounded at the river’s bend good line that works as a good image.

There to set its tender roots
At springtime force its own green shoots
And so its destiny, not sea, this feels a little forced, if i had a suggestion it would be, ' Its destiny is not the sea'
but to become a towering tree

To flourish where the river flows
and shed in turn its embryos
that spiral downwards to the flow
along the current fast and slow

To settle on the river’s bank
with others of its fledgling rank
Thus Nature’s cycle is assured
and river gazers never bored

[Mayflow]

Very beautiful! Loved it. Ever read Hermann Hesse's book "Siddhartha"?

http://www.online-literature.com/hesse/siddhartha/1/

[Art Deco]

Thanks to all for your positive and helpful feedback ... No, Mayflow, I have not read "Siddhartha" but I've looked it up on Google and it seems a book I'd like - thanks for the intro.

[Rose Love]

Lovely poem .

I agree with TimeOnMyHands about adding the "at" in that one line. The following line, "but to become a towering tree" also sounds a bit off in rhythm. If you can find a one-syllable word to replace "become," then I think it would flow better rhythmically.

Like

And so its destiny, not at sea
but to be/stand/grow/bloom/sprout a towering tree

But to find a word that doesn't compromise the flow of the meaning either. If you can't find one that doesn't maintain or improve the flow of meaning, then I would just leave it.