Girl on a train

[Art Deco]

I looked up from my paper
And you from your book
Our eyes met for an instant
You gave a faint smile then turned away
I smiled back but you did not see
You had returned to your book
Were you taking in the words
Or were your thoughts focused on me
As mine were on you
Perhaps your heart was racing
Mine was

You looked up again
And caught my eye
I smiled again and you half-smiled back
I was mesmerised by your flawless face
You flicked your hair
And turned your head to the window
I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection
Our reflections smiled back to one another
Yours was a mischievous taunting smile

The train jolted to a halt
You stood and grabbed a case
Made for the door
And were lost
Save for that final enigmatic smile from the platform
That smile lingers still

If love can happen in an instant
I think I loved you then
Did you love me
I should have followed you
I didn’t
I never saw you again
Who were you
What were you
What became of you
Are you still beautiful
Are you happy
Do you remember

Girl on a train
A distant memory now
A thrilling transitory encounter
Like the headlights of approaching cars
You dazzled me
Undimmed and brilliant
Will I find you again
So you can dazzle me again

[bunknown]

I love this poem. Reminds me of this one girl I met while traveling.

Cheers,
B

[TwistedAngel]

next time try opening you mouth :p

is a story already well told a few times an tho i'd normally find this write a bit to 'cutesy' i liked it mostly

would be nice if it went a little deeper IMO maybe of things if you was brave enough to have liked to have said
the imagery wos nice spesh liked the "I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection
Our reflections smiled back to one another " cool touch

don't have much to say about the away it's written it flowed well an simple to follow..nice poem

[billy]

I love this poem. Reminds me of this one girl I met while traveling.

Cheers,
B

thanks for leaving feedback. if you can, in this and serious critique forum try and say why it reminded you etc.

[arbil_poieo]

I liked how you described the scene, using her actions and reactions and your actions and reactions. It made me feel like I was there.

The emotions from start to finish were expressed phenomenally without it being too mushy it felt real.

I agree with TwistedAngel the line "I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection" is my favorite and I also loved " if love can happen in an instant
I think I loved you then"

You know what, I can't actually find anything I don't like maybe because I'm a girl and a sucker for this so I can't offer any constructive criticism without being a little bias. But I really like how you wrote this.

[Art Deco]

Thanks to all for your helpful and generally positive feedback - This was my first attempt at writing free verse and it's a great feeling not to have to worry so much about metre and rhyme. My stuff is normally very structured and ryming.

BTW this encounter on the train never happened to me but I thought it was a meaty subject to attempt.

I looked up from my paper
And you from your book
Our eyes met for an instant
You gave a faint smile then turned away
I smiled back but you did not see
You had returned to your book
Were you taking in the words
Or were your thoughts focused on me
As mine were on you
Perhaps your heart was racing
Mine was

You looked up again
And caught my eye
I smiled again and you half-smiled back
I was mesmerised by your flawless face
You flicked your hair
And turned your head to the window
I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection
Our reflections smiled back to one another
Yours was a mischievous taunting smile

The train jolted to a halt
You stood and grabbed a case
Made for the door
And were lost
Save for that final enigmatic smile from the platform
That smile lingers still

If love can happen in an instant
I think I loved you then
Did you love me
I should have followed you
I didn’t
I never saw you again
Who were you
What were you
What became of you
Are you still beautiful
Are you happy
Do you remember

Girl on a train
A distant memory now
A thrilling transitory encounter
Like the headlights of approaching cars
You dazzled me
Undimmed and brilliant
Will I find you again
So you can dazzle me again

[billy]

i rushed with my comment before and decided i should give it a second look. anything bold in the body of the poem feels weak. i stopped myself because it's mild crit but there is more of the same as the poem continues.

i still love the poem, i like the weakness off it but i think you need to make it a unique weakness without the simple smiles and book stuff, use a few quantifiers. what type of smile, use a simile or metaphor or something else, example;

You gave an almost smile, then turned away
I looked like the Cheshire Cat, you never saw me.

i do like the poem it has a lot going for it but it needs to be bare boned and then added to with so of who you are.

thanks for the read and an enjoyable poem.

I looked up from my paper
And you from your book
Our eyes met for an instant very cliche, use something original to say the same thing
You gave a faint smile then turned away
I smiled back but you did not see
You had returned to your book
Were you taking in the words
Or were your thoughts focused on me
As mine were on you
Perhaps your heart was racing in this context racing is very cliche, change or add something, i'd suggest; racing like the train
Mine was

You looked up again
And caught my eye
I smiled again and you half-smiled back
I was mesmerised by your flawless face
You flicked your hair
And turned your head to the window
I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection
Our reflections smiled back to one another
Yours was a mischievous taunting smile

The train jolted to a halt
You stood and grabbed a case
Made for the door
And were lost
Save for that final enigmatic smile from the platform
That smile lingers still

If love can happen in an instant
I think I loved you then
Did you love me
I should have followed you
I didn’t
I never saw you again
Who were you
What were you
What became of you
Are you still beautiful
Are you happy
Do you remember

Girl on a train
A distant memory now
A thrilling transitory encounter
Like the headlights of approaching cars
You dazzled me
Undimmed and brilliant
Will I find you again
So you can dazzle me again

[Art Deco]

Billy - Many thanks for your very helpful comments - I agree with all you suggest and wish that I'd thought of them myself before posting! I sense that you don't like cliches and I will attempt to find more original words in future. Good of you to take the trouble.

i rushed with my comment before and decided i should give it a second look. anything bold in the body of the poem feels weak. i stopped myself because it's mild crit but there is more of the same as the poem continues.

i still love the poem, i like the weakness off it but i think you need to make it a unique weakness without the simple smiles and book stuff, use a few quantifiers. what type of smile, use a simile or metaphor or something else, example;

You gave an almost smile, then turned away
I looked like the Cheshire Cat, you never saw me.

i do like the poem it has a lot going for it but it needs to be bare boned and then added to with so of who you are.

thanks for the read and an enjoyable poem.

I looked up from my paper
And you from your book
Our eyes met for an instant very cliche, use something original to say the same thing
You gave a faint smile then turned away
I smiled back but you did not see
You had returned to your book
Were you taking in the words
Or were your thoughts focused on me
As mine were on you
Perhaps your heart was racing in this context racing is very cliche, change or add something, i'd suggest; racing like the train
Mine was

You looked up again
And caught my eye
I smiled again and you half-smiled back
I was mesmerised by your flawless face
You flicked your hair
And turned your head to the window
I risked a surreptitious glance at your reflection
Our reflections smiled back to one another
Yours was a mischievous taunting smile

The train jolted to a halt
You stood and grabbed a case
Made for the door
And were lost
Save for that final enigmatic smile from the platform
That smile lingers still

If love can happen in an instant
I think I loved you then
Did you love me
I should have followed you
I didn’t
I never saw you again
Who were you
What were you
What became of you
Are you still beautiful
Are you happy
Do you remember

Girl on a train
A distant memory now
A thrilling transitory encounter
Like the headlights of approaching cars
You dazzled me
Undimmed and brilliant
Will I find you again
So you can dazzle me again