Posts: 171
Threads: 25
Joined: May 2012
Her arrows punctuate the globe
from Colombia to Burma.
He’s undergone the trials of Job
and she’s overcome with fervour
which magnifies the darker side
he keeps behind lock and caution,
finds prison cells unoccupied
by the sleep of his exhaustion.
She’s developing neuroses -
what extraordinary torture! -
in the swoop for scalps and trophies
and the struggle out of water;
from the flicker of the searchlight
and the bone breaking surrender
to the hunger of the termite
for the chamber they dismember.
She’s erected a confessional
with an ear for foreign language:
Amnesty International
has aroused her sense of anguish.
Before criticising a person, try walking a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you're a mile away.....and you have their shoes.
Posts: 478
Threads: 56
Joined: Oct 2011
hey ray!
I have to admit I struggled a bit with parts of this one, though I'm blaming myself more than anything. here were my thoughts as I read a few times
(12-04-2012, 06:23 AM)penguin Wrote: Her arrows punctuate the globe
from Colombia to Burma.
He’s undergone the trials of Job
and she’s overcome with fervour ...to this point, I expected to have a better understanding of our characters, but I can't really say I know who they are. the title doesn't help me much either. the meter also felt a bit irregular to me, but maybe it's just my state of mind at the moment.
which magnifies the darker side
he keeps behind lock and caution,
finds prison cells unoccupied ...who does the finding? her fervour? he? syntax may be running too far here
by the sleep of his exhaustion. ...here, "by" threw me off. It didn't strike me as the best preposition for the situation; by used as "because" or "the means of" or "next to" didn't seem to fit. his exhaustion is affecting his perception?
She’s developing neuroses -
what extraordinary torture! -
in the swoop for scalps and trophies
and the struggle out of water; ....again, the water took me by surprise. I'm struggling to get my sense of place to this point.
from the flicker of the searchlight
and the bone breaking surrender ...again, meter feels off to me
to the hunger of the termite
for the chamber they dismember. ...again, "for" didn't feel like the right preposition to me
She’s erected a confessional
with an ear for foreign language:
Amnesty International
has aroused her sense of anguish.
i struggled with knowing where I was supposed to be and with the word choice for some of the lines. the meter also strikes me as slipping a bit in places, but that can be subjective; spoken aloud, it may be fine. finally, the "he" and "she" i never felt close enough to to really understand. i need to mull on this one/ see others' thoughts because as of now, I think i'm missing too much. i'm sorry
Written only for you to consider.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(12-04-2012, 06:23 AM)penguin Wrote: Her arrows punctuate the globe
from Colombia to Burma.
He’s undergone the trials of Job
and she’s overcome with fervour
which magnifies the darker side
he keeps behind lock and caution, would [the cautioned lock] help the meter?
finds prison cells unoccupied
by the sleep of his exhaustion.
She’s developing neuroses -
what extraordinary torture! -
in the swoop for scalps and trophies
and the struggle out of water;
from the flicker of the searchlight
and the bone breaking surrender
to the hunger of the termite
for the chamber they dismember.
She’s erected a confessional
with an ear for foreign language:
Amnesty International these last two lines feel a bit forced.
has aroused her sense of anguish.
the meter isn't bad, it's not iambic in a couple of places but it does the job of helping it flow. who or what is he and she?
the rhymes not too bad either
though language/anguish are a stretch and just pass as slant (i think) a great effort as far as form is concerned and there's lots to like about the content too
thanks for the read.
