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--edit-- (not sure this edit does it justice)
balanced equipoise -
feathers awaiting wind's flight,
not even a breath.
--original--
poised on edge of blade,
feather on flight's careful watch -
not even a breath.
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
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Hi btj
good title and nice sharp images to match the subject.
Liked the play between first and last line.
Also liked the image of middle line, but despite the right count I found it a mouthful for some reason...sadly red wine is not to blame this time. (? flight feather on careful watch)
Thanks for the read. Nice.
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are you playing darts?
should there be a seasonal word? as it is, it feels more of senryu.
i like how you tried to re say 'on a knife's edge"
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Cheers for the comments!
needs re-expression by the sound of things.
(12-11-2012, 04:01 PM)billy Wrote: are you playing darts?
should there be a seasonal word? as it is, it feels more of senryu.
i like how you tried to re say 'on a knife's edge"
The seasonal word is "feathers" (apparently it is acceptable anyway. It's in my flatmate's official Haiku seasonal word book
)
Dart's wasn't in mind but I can totally see that now you point it out!
I think this needs rewriting from that impression
blade was supposed to be grass,
feathers tensely awaiting the wind to take flight.
no wind.
was trying to describe the gentle equipoise, yet subtle tension of concentration.
Will reword I think.
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
Posts: 5,057
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in a haiku things are usually described how they are,
heavy farmyard rain
someone hid the wellingtons
cow shit in my socks
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(12-11-2012, 05:59 PM)billy Wrote: in a haiku things are usually described how they are,
heavy farmyard rain
someone hid the wellingtons
cow shit in my socks
aah ok, thats good to know.
also.. beautiful haiku.
If something happens and you can remedy it, Why worry?
And if something happens that you can't remedy, Still why worry?
www.benjack.co.nz
Posts: 5,057
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Joined: Dec 2009
basho (who wrote lots of haiku) often made them funny and used words like shit and piss
.
