12-11-2012, 12:46 PM
hi jess, first off, thanks for leaving feedback on someone elses poem 
i see a lot or poets add white space between their lines of poetry, often as in this case, i don't think it helps. white space in poetry is a tool that's used to give pause or emphasis. best to keep the lines closer together and wehn you need to make something stand out you can use the white space of a blank line or two. if poetry was measured by how good it was, most would be deemed very bad
. so get out of the habit of trying to quantify how good it is, just aim to do the best you can and strive to do better
remember how we both said (in our reply to another poem) the poem felt familiar? this suffers from the smae problem. a lot of the phrases are common and have been used since the beginning of poetry(such a phrase is called a cliche)
you have a good line to work round,
I just can’t cope with so much nothingness
if you make it less wordy
I can’t cope with nothingness it becomes stronger, maybe strong enough to begin the poem. get rid of the maybe's and just's and the and's that don't add anything.
And now I’m looking for the exit door
could become
where's the exit? pick out the good lines and make them better, then grow the poem around those. if you need help, ask a question in the discussion forum or ask a mod that's listed in the poetry section.
it feels disheartening but all of us start off without knowing how to do it.
i see a lot or poets add white space between their lines of poetry, often as in this case, i don't think it helps. white space in poetry is a tool that's used to give pause or emphasis. best to keep the lines closer together and wehn you need to make something stand out you can use the white space of a blank line or two. if poetry was measured by how good it was, most would be deemed very bad
. so get out of the habit of trying to quantify how good it is, just aim to do the best you can and strive to do better remember how we both said (in our reply to another poem) the poem felt familiar? this suffers from the smae problem. a lot of the phrases are common and have been used since the beginning of poetry(such a phrase is called a cliche)
you have a good line to work round,
I just can’t cope with so much nothingness
if you make it less wordy
I can’t cope with nothingness it becomes stronger, maybe strong enough to begin the poem. get rid of the maybe's and just's and the and's that don't add anything.
And now I’m looking for the exit door
could become
where's the exit? pick out the good lines and make them better, then grow the poem around those. if you need help, ask a question in the discussion forum or ask a mod that's listed in the poetry section.
it feels disheartening but all of us start off without knowing how to do it.
(12-11-2012, 11:29 AM)jess527 Wrote: I'm just wondering if this is any good at all...
Maybe this was because of you
I just didn’t know what else to do
Maybe it’s come down to this
I just can’t cope with so much nothingness
Maybe I can’t pretend anymore
And now I’m looking for the exit door
But I won’t tell anyone
That you were my everything
That you were my sun
And they won’t see my cry tonight
I know I’m strong enough to fight
And if even I’m not,
My tears won’t change a thing
And all I have are sad lyrics to sing
I’ll sing them for you,
but you’ll never hear
You’ll never be that near
So all I can do
Is write this poem for you
Even though you’ll never see
Just how much you mean to me
It’ll be over, I keep telling myself
I’ll put these feelings back on the shelf
I’ll be ok, I’ll be just fine
Even if you’re never mine
so you're in good company. The lines that are just statements like the first two lines for example are not what you want to do. Many poets free write and have a lot of these statements initially in their work. The trick is finding the evocative interesting stuff and chipping away all the bland, unnecessary stuff. It's just like the sculptor seeing the statue in the block of marble. The statue is made of marble certainly, but while it remains in the block it isn't anything special.
