bombing raid

[Jae Mc Donnell]

billy suggested that the 'heavy hearts' needed to be scraped... anyone eles agree?

first edit -

Close your eyes, Heavy heart yes I see where he is comming from with that. I would ask if you want to tell us you have a heavy heart or should you let the next few line express it ie(you list somethings then say not for me which gives this expession) so in a way you repeat yourself.
try again, still alive
White Voices.
Lost found. The choir sings
Rainbow lights, bright inside
red blue yellow green
Music. holly
Mistletoe?, not for me
Rape the hedge, right type
Long , hard paths
jolly Tornado. door open . slam!
too early man! Festive bomb
celebrate, swags ‘n’ bags Here I feel swag n bags would work better. Could be just me, it just seems to flow better
no drink till the night,

In the way, fanatic, clean
more gold Rough, rude,
Mother, Aga, cup of tea
Everything done?,
breathe.

All in all I like the poem. I get a real (oh yeah I know the feeling) so good job

[billy]

hi pugwash

it's hectic as Xmas should be. it feels a bit like a santa POV. but it does remind me of when my kids were small and we set everything up for them.
it's not too bad. it feels very tight, maybe a little too tight but i wouldn't suggest changing it.

[aaron]

i like it more without the heavy hearts line. your final edit seems to jump around allot but i suppose that adds to the surrealism. i love how those three lines after Slam! turned out its a way more crisp image now. thanx for this awesome read!

[Todd]

hi billy,
this is going to sound a bit blonde but .... what is POV??
:S

Hi trouble,

POV is Point of View

So Billy is saying the poem feels a bit like it's being spoken by Santa

[Hurst]

I'd tweak the punctuation. Take the line:

Mistletoe?, not for me

By adding the question-mark, you're already forcing the reader to pause, so the comma isn't needed. Also, if you're using it in some places to try to regulate the meter, why not use it in more places? I'd suggest either use no punctuation or more.

I liked the alliteration of 'Heavy Heart' and the son/sun line, but that goes against what you changed, so feel free to ignore me.

-Hurst.

[Pete Ak]

My whole impression of this didn't arise until the last stanza (til then I was having to work a bit too hard (for my liking) to feel as if I engaged with the content. That last stanza tho does resolve the piece very well and provided me with a context to re-look at the rest of it! Lots to admire.