The Promise

[ellz483]

Oh, darkest nights, the sighs of folly
Icy raindrops on the windowpane
Bring me evergreen wreaths of holly
And, lo, tell me not our love was vain

Softest kisses run across my skin
They trace the scars of time and heartbreak
Wispy, golden hair has now grown thin
Timid resolution we now make

In sleep, I feel the weight of promise
Your honeyed eyes on my back bear down
Sweetest whispers of things said honest
I wait in honor to take your crown

At last, I claim my place beside you
We dine and feast, then our marriage bed
Love fulfilled like no one ever knew
Come midnight, at last we rest our heads

---

Just wondering what people think. Ideas on how it could improve are appreciated, of course! Thank you!

I edited it- this is the new version! I totally took into consideration everyone's comments!

Oh, darkest nights, the sighs of folly
Raindrops fill the windowpane
Bring me evergreen wreaths of holly
Tell me not our love was vain

Ardent kisses run across my skin
And trace the scars of longing
Below us the bells announce our sin
In heightened senses of belonging

In sleep, I feel the weight of promise
Your eyes on my back bear down
Whispers of things said honest
I wait in honor to take your crown

At last, I claim my place beside you
We dine and feast, then our bed
Love fulfilled like no one ever knew
Come, at last we rest our heads

[billy]

it feels like a very sad sweet poem.

but we're a workshop and i have to give feedback that's honest and hopefully helpful.
the best way i think is to give an example so here goes, i'm not telling you to re write or doing a rewrite, just trying to open up possibilities for you;

Oh, darkest nights, the sighs of folly
Icy raindrops on the windowpane

Oh, darkest nights with sighs of folly
iced raindrops crowd the windowpane

try and make the rest smooth when read aloud. you have some awkward places where the reading gets jerky. i'll leave it at that for now.

good to see you posting

[Leanne]

Hi ellz! This is quite a pretty poem but there are a few things that could make it stronger. For starters, you don't need archaic language to make a poem "poetic", but if you do use it, it needs to be in context. "lo" means look! as in an expression of surprise ("will you look at that!). You could take that out and the poem would not be harmed in any way. The rhythm would also be strengthened.

Words like darkest, softest -- they're fairly bland adjectives that don't really say anything. Even "silken kisses" would be better than "softest kisses".

Having said that, I like the mood you create here and the emotion is well conveyed.

[ellz483]

Thank you, billy and Leanne! Those are great suggestions. I am going to make a few changes because of what you have said. Thank you for pointing that all out to me! I just want he best poem possible

[Pete Ak]

As has been said, you convey the emotion competently and have the basis of appropriate imagery which you seem to apply with care. If the metre was consistent there'd be little left to do with this piece other than relax some of the more 'forced' sounding rhymes (verse2 in particular.) Enjoyable read!

[ellz483]

Please give me your opinions on the new version!

[Pete Ak]

Please give me your opinions on the new version!

I need the original to recall the details but from what I do remember it feels improved. Still some work required on evening out the metre so that the rhythm is consistent.