"The smell of love"

[ellz483]

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

[addy]

Hi ellz

You seem to have a good idea of the kind of intimacy you want to convey, and the tension / desperation that underlies that. My main criticism is not about the rhythm, as such, but the vagueness of the narrative. At the beginning you establish that the two characters are sitting across each other, separated by a table; by the end they are making love. There is a reference to a quiet room (indoors), but later there is a breeze (outdoors); there is no hint or explanation for the switch in scenario. An explanation isn't strictly necessary, mind; we don't want to get too literal here. But the transition should be implicit and organic enough that it intuitively makes sense to the reader; otherwise it interrupts the suspension of disbelief. Just my two cents.

Thanks for the share

[Pete Ak]

I agree with comments made by 'addy' - it feels as if your using a 'light' brush where you could be 'slapping it on' as it were!
I'm not sure the title is justified by the poem... I wonder if some allusions to the olfactory experience could be introduced into the body of the poem, it's not really strong enough an allusion to present as a finale.
Your 'clunky' rhythm is the result of word choice... take line 1
"I sit across from him at the table" - 10 syllables the first 4 with different vowel sounds and a range of consonant sounds creates more 'stops' than encourages flow... - L2 then suddenly flows with the 'breathy' alliteration of "...heart has known him..." and the comfortable feel of "... many months now." L3 doesn't compliment either of those starts - hope you can see what I mean, I may not have put it very well!
Good luck - I think you have an entertaining poem but it does need work.

[KbPoetry]

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

I like the idea here, but it kind of left me wanting more. I don't know I just felt like the poem wasn't pushed far enough. I also think that you will have to earn the few cliches and abstractions you use. What I mean is that for the audience to really appreciate what is going on, you are going to have to show it to us and then later you can tell us a recap. Does that make sense? I know a little confusing. But I'll give you an example. In the line "emotion pulses under my skin", I feel that "emotion" hasn't quite been earned. We need to see more of what this emotion is. You have told us about it but not shown us. I think this piece has quite a bit of potential. Good luck with your editing!

[ellz483]

thank you all so much!

---

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!

"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided.
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
Together, yet, still apart;
His fingers find my hand and lace around it
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver-
Love’s sting on the back of my neck
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert.
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.

[tectak]

A line by line, though late to this.
I sit across from him at the table as an opening line, this is emphatically very difficult I/ sit a/cross from/him at/the table.....or tay/ble?....but the next line is just tortured. Read it yourself, out loud
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around itHmmmm. You could really do some work on this stanza. The almost deliberate (difficult to get it so wrong by accident )random rhythm destroys the intent.To be absolutely fair, I CAN read it in a rhythmical way but the overwhelming feeling is that these are song lyrics and only you know the tune

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck Just too crammed full of cliches to avoid making the point; emotion pulses, blood rushes, touch is electric......but too late for recovery, love's sting is novel but is it apt. Jury out on this for me. Cupid's arrow would give you a full house

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided preachy but not precise enough to encourage belief. Drop this stanza. It is technically what is called "not very good"

I think you would be asked to leave the restaurant and get a room. Suddenly we are al fresco. And that pungent smell? Are you sure it's not Brown Windsor Soup smell drifing over from the next table?
The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.
Hi,
You are a victim of self-deception. You write from an emotional corner but expect to be judged on a different stage. Why else would you excuse the choppy rhythm (a major problem) by declaring it a deliberate feature whilst asking how to smooth it out? Do not allow yourself to be happy in mediocrity. This piece is good enough to workshopped in to a nice effort. To stop the choppy rhythm, don't write it with choppy rhythm.
Best,
tectak


Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

[brandontoh]

thank you all so much!

---

[quote='ellz483' pid='108996' dateline='1356067741']

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!

"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table -- This first line in my opinion is redundant. It doesn't really contribute much to the poem. You can say it sets up the scene, but in the next few lines that is achieved. Also, the next line will serve better as the first in drawing interest I feel.
My heart has known his for many months now
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes -- This line is a little too 'telling'. This is a great chance to introduce a strong imagery, so I think a reword will work wonders here. For example, 'In the dingy cafe booth, a private room of sorts.'
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared -- These lines are good. The imagery is strong and you got the point across quite poignantly.
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. -- These 2 lines, on the other hand, can be strengthened further. Maybe something like 'we know what we want, the conversations but a bridge' or anything similar.
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
Together, yet, still apart;
His fingers find my hand and lace around it
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver-
Love’s sting on the back of my neck
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert.
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love. -- The rest is really good. I like the action involved and how you sort of bring the reader into this very touchy and flirtatious mindset. One final complaint is that you can think of dividing this poem up into 2 stanzas instead? =) Hope I'm of help!

[tectak]

thank you all so much!

---

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!
Yes. It is better.....but
"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table This line seems unimportant and just like an old sock lying where it fell. It should be tidied away
My heart has known his for many months now fullstop
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes "We meet in secret....", otherwise you are saying your hearts meet in secret. Using "we" also sets up a nice structural base. See the follow on:
We meet in secret, away from prying eyes,
drink from café cups and use borrowed silverware.
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared full stop
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. I am still preached to by this line and find that I actually disagree with it diametrically. Also, I do not think you mean "futile" . I think you mean "unnecessary", "superfluous", "gratuitous"...yes... or .....well, its your poem. Get the thesaurus out
His stare closes the distance between o[ur bodies semi colon here, then...
Together, yet, still apart; You capitalise every line. It is an irritation and a poetic affectation now, thankfully, becoming outdated. So. "together, yet still apart. "
His fingers find my hand and lace around it This is still strangely difficult to picture. I cannot handkerchief my finger on it, though. Got it. Lace is too nouny. Sentence complete so full stop
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks Any bloody punctuation would help this line end
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver- ...except a dash! What is it for?
Love’s sting on the back of my neck From this point on you gave up. You simply MUST punctuate back to clarity. The word "as" implies more than just simultaneous timing....it is also conditional. Do you ignore the waiter because of the sting or is the sting BECAUSE the waiter is patient? Needs looking at
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert. Middle aged granny, in love for the second time around. Completely out of character with the piece
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.

It is better....
Best,
tectak

---

thank you all so much!

---

I sit across from him at the table
My heart has known his for many months now
His stare closes the distance between our bodies
My fingers find his hand and lace around it

Emotion pulses under my skin
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver
Love’s sting on the back of my neck

We exchange words in the quiet room
They carry in them thoughts rarely shared
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided

The air settles, dense, below us
The breeze dies down and grants us peace
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.



Please tell me what you think- it's intended to have a sort-of choppy rhythm, but if you find a way to make it a bit smoother, that would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.

NEW, EDITED VERSION!!! MUCH BETTER, I THINK!
Yes. It is better.....but
"The Smell of Love"

I sit across from him at the table This line seems unimportant and just like an old sock lying where it fell. It should be tidied away
My heart has known his for many months now fullstop
Meeting in secret, away from prying eyes "We meet in secret....", otherwise you are saying your hearts meet in secret. Using "we" also sets up a nice structural base. See the follow on:
We meet in secret, away from prying eyes,
drink from café cups and use borrowed silverware.
Drinking from café cups and using borrowed silverware.
We exchange words in the buzzing coffee house
That carry in them thoughts rarely shared full stop
Conversation is futile, for in youth
The mind is simple and decided. I am still preached to by this line and find that I actually disagree with it diametrically. Also, I do not think you mean "futile" . I think you mean "unnecessary" ,"superfluous" , "gratuitous"...yes...or .....well, its your poem. Get the thesaurus out
His stare closes the distance between our bodies semi colon here, then...
Together, yet, still apart; You capitalise every line. It is an irritation and a poetic affectation now, thankfully, becoming outdated. So. "together, yet still apart. "
His fingers find my hand and lace around it This is still strangely difficult to picture. I cannot handkerchief my finger on it, though. Got it. Lace is too nouny. Sentence complete so full stop
I can feel blood rush beneath my cheeks Any bloody punctuation would help this line end
The electricity of his touch makes me shiver- ...except a dash! What is it for?
Love’s sting on the back of my neck From this point on you gave up. You simply MUST punctuate back to clarity. The word "as" implies more than just simultaneous timing....it is also conditional. Do you ignore the waiter because of the sting or is the sting BECAUSE the waiter is patient? Needs looking at
As I ignore the patient waiter
Never mind the special! His smile is my dessert. Middle aged granny, in love for the second time around. Completely out of character with the piece
The air settles, dense, below us
His smell soon surrounds me; I suck it in
It is the pungent scent of man in love.

It is better....
Best,
tectak