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As fingers brush palms
Eyes flicker with heat,
Trying to hide in plain view.
Sparks arc, passions flare
Darting eyes caress the air
the space is clear!
A stolen kiss is all that is there.
Both want more
but do not dare.
Fear of being caught
in a love that is not fair.
One kiss this afternoon is all they can share.
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Welcome travelpoet234
Just a suggestion before I critique the poem...your title A Stolen Kiss (from me to you) I like From Me to You because it's an attention grabber, just a thought.
This struck me as sweet with struggle. I like your first line, it sets up the rest of the poem with a thoughtful image. I also enjoyed sparks arc, a good description to show passion.
I think you could do without the last line, it's not strong enough to be a one-liner, while."in a love that is not fair" has that same message but stronger. "Darting eyes caress the air" is a lovely image but I think you could play with it a little and expand on it as well as "eyes flicker with heat"
Overall, this was beautiful with a lot of potential to play around with and experiment with.
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thank you i have written more but it does not stay in the same tone. It becomes something more judging (upon myself) and i am not happy with the way it ends but i will keep working on it until i am happy. Thank you for your positive feedback and i will take on board your comments when i come to re-write this piece.
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I think a lot of it is just experimenting with different words and images until it conveys what it was intended. I think you're definitely on the right track with it.
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The following is the second half that i have already written but am not happy with would you be able to look it over help me with your in put:
That kiss should have been the last.
Fleeting.
Helping prevent innocence from dissipating,
diserting dying.
Days go by you lose the flicker in your eye,
palms no longer sweaty but dry.
Out of site out of mind.
To all even friendship we say goodbye,
from me to you.
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I think it just needs a strong image to show an ending to something that wasn't meant to be in the first place. I think the emotions are in the right place with this and it does follow the same tone as the first half it just adds another side or another part to the unfolding story. It's good and interesting, all it needs is some images so readers can feel the emotions the narrator feels or sees what the narrator sees. It's all about showing and not telling. Show the readers the conflict, the love, the ending. Describe the kiss, the innocence. I hope this helps.
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it helps a lot thank you so much for your opinion i will go over it deconstruct and rewrite it again and again keep your eyes peeled for the next edit id love to have your input through out on this piece.
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i think the first part of this is really really good...but do agree with arbil that the last line is weak an not needed
but then i have the same crit for the 2nd part..imo the word 'goodbye' is powerful enough to leave it there as the end. to carry on after that word i reckon weakens the ending
that said i do like the way this is going "Helping prevent innocence from dissipating,
diserting dying." love that line
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Thank you twisted angel for your positive input I will lose those lines as both of you have now mentioned that and I can also see that they carry very little weight. I still have not successfully put across the full spectrum of emotions that I felt and want to portray yet I do not think it is necessary to add more to this piece. I am in the process of writing another piece to accompany this one to help fully portray the aftermath and pain that is felt altho the style will be completely different, do you think this could work?
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(12-24-2012, 11:37 AM)travelpoet234 Wrote: it helps a lot thank you so much for your opinion i will go over it deconstruct and rewrite it again and again keep your eyes peeled for the next edit id love to have your input through out on this piece.
Okay, I'm looking forward to it. If you need any help just let me know...I'm not an expert by no means just a fresh pair of eyes and a different perspective.
I think if you give the aftermath of the end it should work. Just giving it a clear voice and extending the whirlwind emotion could go a long way with this.
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thank you very much Haunter, the couple in the poem is me and someone i can never be with, we were lucky enough to share a couple of kisses before our time ran out
